tornado

 So I am still here...I managed to keep Sophee at bay yesterday, so that is a good thing...

But the depression is still there, it is like I am looking out through my eyes into a thin veil.  Everything is shaded and somewhat distorted, not real...

I feel so detached from my body...when I walk, it feels like I am not quite touching the ground...when I speak, I feel like I am reading from a script and I my voice sounds odd to me...food has no taste, nothing is funny....I am just blah, blah, blah...

I am exhausted by 7 pm, then sleep until 3 or 4 am, then I am wide awake, to sit in the dark,  which evidently is a good place for me to be...darkness

Darkness seems to be all I know....I don't want to go trail riding in my jeep, I don't want to go shopping, I don't want to watch fucking TV, I don't want to go hiking, I don't want sex...I just want to sit and stare at the wall....

My fucking animals are the only things keeping me on any sort of a fucking schedule...its not their fault I am a shit owner...so I force myself to keep them in their routine...but again, I am just in auto mode, going through the motions...

I hurt Kevin by hanging up on him, I could tell by his behavior yesterday...and I want to apologize, but he has told me to never apologize...so my guilt is killing me too...He needs to walk away from me....we are not married...he just needs to get away from me....I destroy everything...or I should say "we" destroy everything...

We don't film anymore hardly ever, because there is nothing more to film about...and this makes me sad because, I feel like I failed in our attempt to educate others on DID.  I am the one who has said that I will not let our channel be a shitshow of alters and switching...So, there is nothing left.

I feel like such a fucking failure.  I am a tornado leaving only destruction in my path...I feel so lost, so confused, so tired...I should just give up.  Why do I fight so hard to live, when I really have nothing to live for....my animals? Kevin? certainly not my kids or family.  

My trust is gone.  If I can't trust myself, then I am unable to trust anyone else, and that is the fucking damn truth.

As soon as I wake up in the wee hours of the morning, I am looking at the clock all day waiting for bedtime so I can sleep...or at least try and sleep.  My head hurts all the time,  and that really gets to me....these fucking brain tumors...I am so tired of the fight...So tired of trying to be someone I simply cannot be...and that is "normal".   Singlets are normal, multiples are abnormal, freaks and untrustworthy.

I wonder what my tornado life will destroy today....

S