The sum

 So I have been blogging now for almost 6 yrs.  The evolution of my journey so far has been astounding.  From thinking all my issues were a result of TBI,  or depression, only to find out that I have DID.   What a roller coaster I have been on for 6 yrs.

And that roller coaster is continuing.  From more memories coming forward to more health issues because of old age.   Sometimes I feel, the health issues are easier to confront and deal with than the horrific memories I have.  They are tangible, meaning, I can get medical help and my health issues are accepted.  But the DID is another whole different animal.   Not much legit help out there for those of us with DID and acute PTSD.  Drugs, that is all the medical establishment want to do for you, drug you, drug your alters...which is nothing more than a band aid.

My doctor is leaving the practice and going to another facility.  When he told me that at our last visit, my heart seized.  He knows of my DID and listens to me and accepts my disorder.  His nurse, also a wonderful person who has helped me so much is leaving and not going with him.   When this was all being told to me and Kevin,  it was all I could do to not panic and freak out....I held my breath until he told me his new location starting in May, and that I could still see him and have him as my doctor.   What a fucking relief....but we will lose Amber and that hurts my heart.  She is an excellent nurse and person and I will miss her so much.

So, I am breathing again.

I have noticed that more and more people are reading my blogs...I wish I knew who was and what they think about the blogs.  No one leaves a message.  How did all these people find my blog?  Not too many even know I have a blog....I wonder what people think of my blogs, my memories, my poems, my alters (when they blog)?

I have enough entries that I could put them all together into a book.  But, who would read it?   Would I really want my "life" published in a book?  Would my stories help or hurt others?  I wish, I could get some feedback, questions, whatever about a blog that they have read...

People reading all my blogs, secretly, makes me feel like someone is peeping into my life, like a peeping Tom...it vaguely scares me...I feel alot of insecurity, and I feel like "the emperor with no clothes on"...my blogs are me being "naked" in front of the whole world.....

I have written so many blogs, then went back and deleted them out of fear of hurting someone,  Kevin tells me to not delete them, but sometimes my rage of words do nothing for edification or education, just me bitching, yelling and screaming....nobody wants to hear that, or read that....so I second guess virtually all my blogs...especially the ones written by one of my alternate personalities...

I wish I could get over my self doubt.  I wish I could get over "worrying about what other people think of me"...but I am who I am, my mother and first step dad saw to that.  Maybe people should stop thinking ill of me, and start thinking ill of my abusers, and other abusers.   Its not about the victim...we are the sum of our experienced life...its about the abusers who put the numbers together...

Stop looking at me, and start looking at the parents who "made" me....they are the animals, the criminals, the instigators, and ultimately the ones who get off scott free, while I suffer the consequences...

So anyway,  there it is....a life in the day.

S