So, my depression is trying to rear its ugly head...has been for a couple of days now, and I have been trying to stay busy...last night, I struggled to sleep, even with the medication I take to sleep, I still struggled...
I have a new lump that will need to be drained in my breast, which is a huge all day ordeal...mammogram, ultrasound then draining the fluid from the cysts...it seems that this is going to be an every year event as this same thing happened last year...sigh, so that depresses me...
Lately, John has been sending lots of pictures of the grandsons, spring break photos and the like....but he puts himself in almost every picture, he sent a picture of his mom and brother and his wife...Why does he do that"?
To remind me of what I am missing?
To make me feel guilty for leaving?
Does he think me seeing pictures of him will change my mind about him?
I feel like the pictures of John with the kids and grandkids, is his dig to me...look what I have, what do you have?
I miss my grandsons so much...I do not miss my granddaughter as I have never met her in person, only pictures...and I feel bad for her, Everli, because she will just grow up to be a fat fuck like her mother, and that saddens me...
My kids will not allow their kids to fly and see me....they will not visit me....I barely even get calls from them.....parents divorce and split up all the time, so why am I continually punished?
In society, I feel it is more accepting for a man to divorce and leave his wife, rather than a wife leaving the man...a wife leaving, is labeled a whore, gold digger, selfish, etc...while a man leaving is "normal behavior"....my kids, I don't think, will ever forgive me for leaving their dad....and every time John sends a pic of the kids, especially with him in the picture, it puts a knife in my heart...why?
because this is Johns way of still trying to control me, control my feelings and emotions, control my decisions, etc...he still wears his wedding ring and has told me he will never be with another woman, that he will wait for me to come back...again, that is controlling talk....as if his waiting, will cause me to come back to him...NEVER
I need to see my kids and grandkids....I need to go to Oklahoma, but I do not want to see John, or my mother....Oklahoma is so unsafe for me....I feel John is holding Oklahoma over my head....Why won't he get on with his life? Why does he refuse to believe it is over for him and me and that I will never go back to him?
He believes that praying to god, fasting and whatever the fuck else he does, will some how super naturally change my mind, and god will bring me back to him...FAT FUCKING CHANCE.
My kids do not ask me to come back, they don't beg, fuck, they don't even send me pictures...I steal them off instagram...so if they don't want me back, then why would I even have a reason to go back???
So, here I sit, looking at the most recent Spring Break pics of the boys and John, and New Mexico....the only thing in the pictures I miss are, Xander and Kingston. Period.
I am not alone though, only one of Kevins three kids contact him. He only has two grandkids that he sees pictures of....and I feel so sad for him. And it angers me that kids treat parents like this....Kevin and I have so much alike when it comes to family...Kevins two estranged kids do not know what they are missing...they have no clue to the man Kevin is, they are stuck in their own minds thinking a certain way and not willing to budge.....this is the same fucking thing with my own kids...they are right and I am wrong....well, our kids are grown up adults, I hope they are happy in their misery....
Family is who you make it, its not blood...fuck that...blood relatives are the fucking worse family a person can have....
Family starts in the heart, not in the genes.....
S, 7
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is my assumption that John puts himself in pictures because he does miss her, he does love her, and I feel, he is trying to convey that in the pictures. I interpret the photos differently, we were a part of that family for over 40 years, and they are important to me...so when I view the photos, I see everyone is well, and that makes me happy. She views them differently as stated above.
Tessa
No comments:
Post a Comment