birthdays

 Today is my sons birthday.  He is 36!  And in three months my other son will be 36, and in August my daughter will be 40....WHERE DOES THE TIME GO???

Time does not stop for no one.  I will be 62 next month.  I can't even believe I will be that old....I don't feel that old in my head.  But my body is sure feeling it.  I have to wear contacts or glasses to see now, my back hurts alot, I have arthritis in both hands and one of my feet.  My spine is deteriorating, again arthritis.  I have cysts in my left breast that grow and have to be drained, the other day I found another big cysts and it is harder than the previous one, now I have two....I guess I need to go to the breast center before my scheduled mammogram in August....I should just have them remove my breast....no one would know the difference anyway since I barely have breast to begin with! haha

I also wonder how much longer I will be able to live alone?  Who will take care of me when I am no longer able to take care of myself?  my family?  Kevin?  

The only way my family (kids) could take care of me is to move me back to Oklahoma.....that would be a fate worse than death....

Kevin is also 62, and he is pretty healthy except for his cholesterol (which he takes statins for) and his smoking, so I worry about taking care of him,  if he should need that....he is a big guy, and I am a little tiny person...will I be able to take care of him?  What if we both need taken care of....what happens then???

My fear is that we will die alone, together, without family around us.  I see what is happening to my mom with her dementia, I see my dad literally falling apart and struggling and they are only 20 years older than me.....

My own daddy died at age 66....4 yrs older than Kevin is now....that scares the fucking shit out of me....

Aging really sucks, but it is unavoidable.   As my kids get older, I realize I am getting older too...I wonder how much time I have left on this earth....what am I suppose to do with the time I have left?  What can I do?  I am not afraid of death, every living thing dies, its nature.  I know that my body will feed critters and nourish the land,  I will have a green funeral so I can decompose back to the earth, and one day, when the earth is destroyed, my parts will become stardust and eventually over billions of years, my parts will be used to forming another planet.  That is science.  No god, no heaven, no hell....people only believe in that shit because they are afraid to die....I am not afraid.  Just like when I see a dead animal in the road, I know that will feed vultures and other critters so they can live...its the circle of life.

But of course, I don't want to die, I want to live as long as and as healthy as I can.  

After all, dying is a part of living.

S