eclipse emotions

 This freakin, full moon, and upcoming eclipse is affecting my spirit.  I feel so unsettled and weird.

I can feel a wave of grey depression sweep over and cover my brain, then it fades away....this has been happening over and over...

I feel so unsettled deep in my soul.   I feel like a robot going through the motions, playing a part in a theatre production....there, but not really there.

I don't think it is disassociation,  I think it is the pressure of the coming eclipse on our atmosphere...I feel that I am picking up on it...talk about being an empath.

I can feel the heaviness of the moon getting closer and closer to the sun...its a  pressure I just simply cannot put my finger on.  But I am not the only one feeling this....

I don't know,  all I do know is I don't feel like a real human, I feel more like a ghost...an apparition of some sort.  Just fucking weird.

S

better now

 Slowly but surely I am climbing out of my depression.  I finally had a visitor, besides Kevin, come and see me.  Here name is Melissa...isn't that funny?  My first house guest in 5 yrs and her name is Melissa!  Haha.

We had a good visit, its so nice to have a girl friend.  She is also a friend of Kevins which is how I met her.  I really like her,  her and I have alot in common.

So that helped.  Also, yesterday I walked 5 dogs for St Francis Service dog rescue, and that always lifts my spirit.  I love dogs.

So today,  I have some shopping to do, and it is suppose to be in the upper 70's and sunshine.  Finally nice weather.

Kevin ordered my birthday gift:  2 inch lift with stilettoes for my jeep.  What a guy, he knows exactly what to get me...he is so romantic!  Seriously, I am so excited for it to come in.  Kevin will do the work, and once the jeep is lifted then I will be on the hunt for bigger off road tires.  Can't wait to go trailing in a lifted jeep, I will be able to do more, so that makes me happy.

I also found 2 facebook pages that are on Cherokee KL pages!  So cool to be on a page where people actually love their cherokees and don't diss them.  I am learning alot about my jeep from these pages.  I joined both groups. 

The only downside is these groups aren't around my area so I won't be able to trail with any of them, but at least now, my Jeep is finally welcomed.   It is also welcome in the regular jeep group I do trail with, and I love that they accept my little Bones!

Yesterday, two of my kids, out of the blue, texted me to say hello and that they love me...what the fuck?  I am now thinking something is going on, because this never happens....NEVER

S 

tornado

 So I am still here...I managed to keep Sophee at bay yesterday, so that is a good thing...

But the depression is still there, it is like I am looking out through my eyes into a thin veil.  Everything is shaded and somewhat distorted, not real...

I feel so detached from my body...when I walk, it feels like I am not quite touching the ground...when I speak, I feel like I am reading from a script and I my voice sounds odd to me...food has no taste, nothing is funny....I am just blah, blah, blah...

I am exhausted by 7 pm, then sleep until 3 or 4 am, then I am wide awake, to sit in the dark,  which evidently is a good place for me to be...darkness

Darkness seems to be all I know....I don't want to go trail riding in my jeep, I don't want to go shopping, I don't want to watch fucking TV, I don't want to go hiking, I don't want sex...I just want to sit and stare at the wall....

My fucking animals are the only things keeping me on any sort of a fucking schedule...its not their fault I am a shit owner...so I force myself to keep them in their routine...but again, I am just in auto mode, going through the motions...

I hurt Kevin by hanging up on him, I could tell by his behavior yesterday...and I want to apologize, but he has told me to never apologize...so my guilt is killing me too...He needs to walk away from me....we are not married...he just needs to get away from me....I destroy everything...or I should say "we" destroy everything...

We don't film anymore hardly ever, because there is nothing more to film about...and this makes me sad because, I feel like I failed in our attempt to educate others on DID.  I am the one who has said that I will not let our channel be a shitshow of alters and switching...So, there is nothing left.

I feel like such a fucking failure.  I am a tornado leaving only destruction in my path...I feel so lost, so confused, so tired...I should just give up.  Why do I fight so hard to live, when I really have nothing to live for....my animals? Kevin? certainly not my kids or family.  

My trust is gone.  If I can't trust myself, then I am unable to trust anyone else, and that is the fucking damn truth.

As soon as I wake up in the wee hours of the morning, I am looking at the clock all day waiting for bedtime so I can sleep...or at least try and sleep.  My head hurts all the time,  and that really gets to me....these fucking brain tumors...I am so tired of the fight...So tired of trying to be someone I simply cannot be...and that is "normal".   Singlets are normal, multiples are abnormal, freaks and untrustworthy.

I wonder what my tornado life will destroy today....

S

Fuck

 Still going down down down....even picked a fight with Kevin then hung up on him...

Why?  because I am a fucking bitch thats why.

A fucking fucked up in the head biatch.....

Fuck everything.

happy, healthy and good

 I do not understand why my depression is coming on....everything is good, basically,  nothing earth shattering to throw me into depression, but there it is, rearing its ugly head.

Yesterday, I tried to get out and take Boomer to the cove, but there were too many kids around for Boomer to be able to relax and enjoy himself (he is terrified of children, and strangers),  also it was fucking freezing cold so we did not stay long...I am sure Boomer was so bummed....

Depression is so weird...I can be "happy go lucky, with not a care in the world" so it would seem to others looking in...but the veil of depression is slowly covering my eyes...There is nothing anyone can do or say to stop the veil from being lowered.  I refuse to take anti-depressants....been there did that, and I do not wish to be a zombie.

I am so weary of going through my feed and reading peoples post about "poor me, I have cancer, or poor me, I lost my job, or poor me my life sucks"

Life sucks for everyone, and talking about it on facebook, just makes it suck more for people who are suffering.  Whining and complaining and bitching does not help, not in a public forum....so I will not ever be posting anything negative, sad or whatever on my page...just memes and pictures only.  There are support groups for people to engage in for support and guidance or just to bitch...

I have some friends on my page that every single post is about how miserable their life is,  how unhappy or fearful they are, or they post stupid fake news and are idiots...nobody wants to read doom and gloom every single day from "friends" on facebook, we get enough of that with the news channels...fuck

So this is my depression posting right now.  I understand people are hurting and see no way out of their situation, no cure, no escape, and this just feeds my depression.....it feeds the depression in others too, because not only do I see their posts, but so do their friends....and nobody wants to interact with a debbie downer 24/7....I know this from my own life....I have been a debbie downer alot, on here, on Youtube and on facebook...but no more!  (well, my blog is my vent page, so those of you who read this, will read me at times being a debbie downer,  my blog is my emotional outlet...not facebook.)   I don't need people feeling "sorry for me" on facebook...I hate pity, and life is not about me!  Its about life and living, not death and dying....fuck, we all are gonna die...so get over yourselves!!!!!

Get over yourselves, get out of the fucking house, put your damn cell phone away, disconnect from social media, and do something positive...figure out your life...

As far as the world and facebook is concerned, I am happy, healthy, and good.

S

family is not genes....

 So, my depression is trying to rear its ugly head...has been for a couple of days now, and I have been trying to stay busy...last night, I struggled to sleep, even with the medication I take to sleep, I still struggled...

I have a new lump that will need to be drained in my breast, which is a huge all day ordeal...mammogram, ultrasound then draining the fluid from the cysts...it seems that this is going to be an every year event as this same thing happened last year...sigh, so that depresses me...

Lately, John has been sending lots of pictures of the grandsons, spring break photos and the like....but he puts himself in almost every picture, he sent a picture of his mom and brother and his wife...Why does he do that"?

To remind me of what I am missing?

To make me feel guilty for leaving?

Does he think me seeing pictures of him will change my mind about him?

I feel like the pictures of John with the kids and grandkids, is his dig to me...look what I have, what do you have?

I miss my grandsons so much...I do not miss my granddaughter as I have never met her in person, only pictures...and I feel bad for her, Everli, because she will just grow up to be a fat fuck like her mother, and that saddens me...

My kids will not allow their kids to fly and see me....they will not visit me....I barely even get calls from them.....parents divorce and split up all the time, so why am I continually punished?   

In society, I feel it is more accepting for a man to divorce and leave his wife, rather than a wife leaving the man...a wife leaving, is labeled a whore, gold digger, selfish, etc...while a man leaving is "normal behavior"....my kids,  I don't think, will ever forgive me for leaving their dad....and every time John sends a pic of the kids, especially with him in the picture, it puts a knife in my heart...why?

because this is Johns way of still trying to control me, control my feelings and emotions, control my decisions, etc...he still wears his wedding ring and has told me he will never be with another woman, that he will wait for me to come back...again, that is controlling talk....as if his waiting, will cause me to come back to him...NEVER

I need to see my kids and grandkids....I need to go to Oklahoma, but I do not want to see John, or my mother....Oklahoma is so unsafe for me....I feel John is holding Oklahoma over my head....Why won't he get on with his life?  Why does he refuse to believe it is over for him and me and that I will never go back to him?  

He believes that praying to god, fasting and whatever the fuck else he does, will some how super naturally change my mind,  and god will bring me back to him...FAT FUCKING CHANCE.

My kids do not ask me to come back, they don't beg, fuck, they don't even send me pictures...I steal them off instagram...so if they don't want me back, then why would I even have a reason to go back???  

So, here I sit, looking at the most recent Spring Break pics of the boys and John,  and New Mexico....the only thing in the pictures I miss are, Xander and Kingston.  Period.

I am not alone though,  only one of Kevins three kids contact him.  He only has two grandkids that he sees pictures of....and I feel so sad for him.  And it angers me that kids treat parents like this....Kevin and I have so much alike when it comes to family...Kevins two estranged kids do not know what they are missing...they have no clue to the man Kevin is, they are stuck in their own minds thinking a certain way and not willing to budge.....this is the same fucking thing with my own kids...they are right and I am wrong....well, our kids are grown up adults,  I hope they are happy in their misery....

Family is who you make it, its not blood...fuck that...blood relatives are the fucking worse family a person can have....

Family starts in the heart, not in the genes.....

S, 7

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It is my assumption that John puts himself in pictures because he does miss her, he does love her, and I feel, he is trying to convey that in the pictures.   I interpret the photos differently,  we were a part of that family for over 40 years, and they are important to me...so when I view the photos, I see everyone is well, and that makes me happy.   She views them differently as stated above.   

Tessa

dead animal

 Death is never pretty....it is ugly, yet beautiful at the same time....really...

Yesterday, I was out walking Boomer by a creek, as I do when I walk him, I pick up trash that is left by others or blown around by the wind.  I feel that we should share our environment with the critters that live there too...

Since it is spring, not all of the bushes and growth around the creek area has filled in, so you can see trash you would not normally see.  I saw some trash, so I walked around a bush and found this....

At first, it freaked me the fuck out and I turned to run away...but instead, I took a picture and started really looking at this dead dog or coyote....I noticed his teeth were all there, white and very healthy looking, so I surmised this was a younger animal when it died.  Because other animals have been munching on it, I could not tell the way it died...but the position of the mouth reminded me of an animal in acute pain gritting its teeth....

I started crying, and cried all the way back to the Jeep, and sat in my jeep...I cried for the suffering of that dog....I cried for the suffering of my childhood animals at the hands of my monster step dad...I cried for my beloved dog, Lou Lou....I cried for all the abused, neglected, and dead animals....

I realize dying is a part of living, but seeing this beautiful creature in the midst of decomposition,  showed me the ugliness of death....the horrific death mask of a face...

Kevin was gonna go out and bury it after work...but we decided to leave him be, soon the weeds and plant growth will conceal it...this fall, I am gonna go back and see if it is still there...I may take the skull, and preserve it as I did the raccoon skull that was fully intact.   We will see if all the skin and excess comes off during the summer.

I know that sounds Macabre to want to do that, but, that poor animal had a violent death, and deserves the respect of a peaceful resting place.  I love skulls and bones of all sorts, they tell a story of a once vibrant life, snuffed out...they tell the story of how fragile and short life is, and at any given moment it can be gone.

Here is something, maybe a little sociopathic in thought, but if I had come across a human in that condition, I would not have cried, not at all, been grossed out, then called 911...but no crying.

Animals are different....if a dog dies or gets killed in a movie, I cry and never watch that movie again...if I see a dead animal in the road, my heart screams out and hurts so badly...but seeing scenes of war and death of people, even children, do not bring me to tears...its the death of all the animals killed in a people war...that makes me cry buckets.....fuck

I am much more connected to animals than people.  Always have been, always will be.  

So, that was my yesterday....tragic, yet beautifully depicted in nature...

S, 7

Sammys poem....

 So sometimes as I am listening to music,  I start to dissociate.  I start to feel like I am a cloud of a person sitting on a chair or standing in a room,  yesterday I was listening to music, and this morning I found a slip of paper with a poem on it...I remember words and phrases coming into my head and I remember writing it all down, but I do not remember what I wrote.

This is what I wrote, or rather, since music was involved with the dissociation,  I believe this is Sammy's words that she wanted to say:

Oh, if I could fly,

I would chase the sky.

As far as I could,

Oh, I would, yes I should...

To be so far away,

Oh, I'd want to stay...

So, I will not fly,

or chase the sky...

I will be here,

so far, yet so near....

Its a weird experience to find something you wrote, but you didn't write...the words were given to me, to put on paper, a message, I guess from Sammy..

S

The sum

 So I have been blogging now for almost 6 yrs.  The evolution of my journey so far has been astounding.  From thinking all my issues were a result of TBI,  or depression, only to find out that I have DID.   What a roller coaster I have been on for 6 yrs.

And that roller coaster is continuing.  From more memories coming forward to more health issues because of old age.   Sometimes I feel, the health issues are easier to confront and deal with than the horrific memories I have.  They are tangible, meaning, I can get medical help and my health issues are accepted.  But the DID is another whole different animal.   Not much legit help out there for those of us with DID and acute PTSD.  Drugs, that is all the medical establishment want to do for you, drug you, drug your alters...which is nothing more than a band aid.

My doctor is leaving the practice and going to another facility.  When he told me that at our last visit, my heart seized.  He knows of my DID and listens to me and accepts my disorder.  His nurse, also a wonderful person who has helped me so much is leaving and not going with him.   When this was all being told to me and Kevin,  it was all I could do to not panic and freak out....I held my breath until he told me his new location starting in May, and that I could still see him and have him as my doctor.   What a fucking relief....but we will lose Amber and that hurts my heart.  She is an excellent nurse and person and I will miss her so much.

So, I am breathing again.

I have noticed that more and more people are reading my blogs...I wish I knew who was and what they think about the blogs.  No one leaves a message.  How did all these people find my blog?  Not too many even know I have a blog....I wonder what people think of my blogs, my memories, my poems, my alters (when they blog)?

I have enough entries that I could put them all together into a book.  But, who would read it?   Would I really want my "life" published in a book?  Would my stories help or hurt others?  I wish, I could get some feedback, questions, whatever about a blog that they have read...

People reading all my blogs, secretly, makes me feel like someone is peeping into my life, like a peeping Tom...it vaguely scares me...I feel alot of insecurity, and I feel like "the emperor with no clothes on"...my blogs are me being "naked" in front of the whole world.....

I have written so many blogs, then went back and deleted them out of fear of hurting someone,  Kevin tells me to not delete them, but sometimes my rage of words do nothing for edification or education, just me bitching, yelling and screaming....nobody wants to hear that, or read that....so I second guess virtually all my blogs...especially the ones written by one of my alternate personalities...

I wish I could get over my self doubt.  I wish I could get over "worrying about what other people think of me"...but I am who I am, my mother and first step dad saw to that.  Maybe people should stop thinking ill of me, and start thinking ill of my abusers, and other abusers.   Its not about the victim...we are the sum of our experienced life...its about the abusers who put the numbers together...

Stop looking at me, and start looking at the parents who "made" me....they are the animals, the criminals, the instigators, and ultimately the ones who get off scott free, while I suffer the consequences...

So anyway,  there it is....a life in the day.

S

another cysts...

 So, here we go again.

Last year I had a cyst in my breast that had to be drained.  It (the cyst) came back within 5 mos.  So, that cyst is back.  AND in the same breast, I now have a newer harder cyst and it is causing me pain...fuck...so now I have to go in for a complete diagnostic procedure, all in one day...You can definitely see the misshape of my breast, the new cyst is very obvious, I started noticing it around Christmas.

3D mammogram

untrasound

cyst fluid extraction and biopsy.....

Sigh, I should just have them cut off both my breast...they are so small anyway they aren't noticeable at all, in fact, I rarely if ever wear a bra.  I tried to wear one the other day and the pain of the bra on that stupid ass cysts was too much....

I am slowly becoming a non-woman...I have no cervix, tubes, uterus, ovaries, just take my breast and make me a mutant! haha I also have no gall bladder, appendix, half my stomach is gone...I swear when I die and the doctor does the autopsy, I will be hollow inside!  hahaha

I am not having an autopsy done....I am so tired and weary of my body falling apart...I hate being old.  I try so hard to take care of this body, and it is breaking down anyway...cannot take care of father time.

I also got contact lenses, and I love them, it is so nice to see without glasses!

I am waiting for the call from the Breast Clinic...I hope they get me in sooner than later...this wait game sucks donkey dicks.

S 

birthdays

 Today is my sons birthday.  He is 36!  And in three months my other son will be 36, and in August my daughter will be 40....WHERE DOES THE TIME GO???

Time does not stop for no one.  I will be 62 next month.  I can't even believe I will be that old....I don't feel that old in my head.  But my body is sure feeling it.  I have to wear contacts or glasses to see now, my back hurts alot, I have arthritis in both hands and one of my feet.  My spine is deteriorating, again arthritis.  I have cysts in my left breast that grow and have to be drained, the other day I found another big cysts and it is harder than the previous one, now I have two....I guess I need to go to the breast center before my scheduled mammogram in August....I should just have them remove my breast....no one would know the difference anyway since I barely have breast to begin with! haha

I also wonder how much longer I will be able to live alone?  Who will take care of me when I am no longer able to take care of myself?  my family?  Kevin?  

The only way my family (kids) could take care of me is to move me back to Oklahoma.....that would be a fate worse than death....

Kevin is also 62, and he is pretty healthy except for his cholesterol (which he takes statins for) and his smoking, so I worry about taking care of him,  if he should need that....he is a big guy, and I am a little tiny person...will I be able to take care of him?  What if we both need taken care of....what happens then???

My fear is that we will die alone, together, without family around us.  I see what is happening to my mom with her dementia, I see my dad literally falling apart and struggling and they are only 20 years older than me.....

My own daddy died at age 66....4 yrs older than Kevin is now....that scares the fucking shit out of me....

Aging really sucks, but it is unavoidable.   As my kids get older, I realize I am getting older too...I wonder how much time I have left on this earth....what am I suppose to do with the time I have left?  What can I do?  I am not afraid of death, every living thing dies, its nature.  I know that my body will feed critters and nourish the land,  I will have a green funeral so I can decompose back to the earth, and one day, when the earth is destroyed, my parts will become stardust and eventually over billions of years, my parts will be used to forming another planet.  That is science.  No god, no heaven, no hell....people only believe in that shit because they are afraid to die....I am not afraid.  Just like when I see a dead animal in the road, I know that will feed vultures and other critters so they can live...its the circle of life.

But of course, I don't want to die, I want to live as long as and as healthy as I can.  

After all, dying is a part of living.

S