Overreacting....

 

 

So this morning Kevin made the statement that he wants to quit taking his statin for awhile because his joints hurt.  A previous statin caused him pain, and the doctor changed the medication.  He just wants to see if, in fact, its the statin he takes causing him pain.  

This hit me so hard.  He has the worst diet ever.  He eats fast food, packaged pre-made foods that contain fucking astronomical highs in cholesterol, sugar, and fats.  Plus he is a pack a day smoker.  I have asked him over and over to cut back on his smoking...NOT QUIT, but cut back.  He has ignored that request.  Now he wants to stop his statins that keep his cholesterol down.  How am I suppose to react to this announcement?

I guess I overreacted because I started crying and became very emotional.  Am I wrong in wanting him to live?????

His diet and smoking is a death sentence....doesn't he know how much he means to me?  Why does he think he is invincible?  Why does he ignore my need for him to live?  I feel he only gives me "lip service" but does not really care how I feel about him being healthier.   Alot of the time, I will cook a healthy meal for dinner, but he doesn't want it and won't eat it, saying he is still full from lunch...his lunch of fast food and sugary tea....I understand that change in behavior takes time, but at 62 yrs of age, just how much fucking time can he waste???????

I am petrified of being alone...he is literally all I have in this whole world.

So, I was on facebook and saw the above meme...It spoke to me...maybe I am not overreacting at all. but feeling triggered.  My daddy died of a heart attack in his 60's from years of smoking and eating red meat.  I was not able to "feel" his death in a healthy way as I was not in a safe place...all of my beloved pets that died at the hands of a monster, and I was not allowed to "feel loss or pain" for those pets...

His comments, Kevin, about stopping the statin medication was very triggering to me.  My head heard "I don't care how you feel, its not about you"....when it IS ABOUT FUCKING ME...I CAN'T LOOSE HIM...but when I got upset, he just got defensive about his decision.   

What if I said to him "Kevin, I am gonna shoot a little dope into my arms, just to see if I will feel better..."  He would not allow that....but what he said to me is the exact same damn thing.....fuck, and I have to allow his decision, because I DON'T REALLY MATTER...I feel he thinks my opinions about healthy behavior in our eating and such is silly....KEVIN IS NOT INVINCIBLE, HE IS A MAN IN AN OLDER BODY KILLING HIMSELF ALITTLE EVERYDAY WITH HIS CHOICE OF MEALS AND HIS REFUSAL TO CUT DOWN ON HIS SMOKING.

Well so be it.  If he does not care about himself, or how I feel about him being healthy, then I don't care about myself.  I will do whatever I want...if I want to shoot some dope, I fucking will............................................................................

S, 7