aggravating

 So, having DID brings all sorts of other "health, and physical issues", depression, headaches, etc....but for me, the worst part of having DID is the inability to sleep.

I have to take a Xanax before bed, that is the only thing that will shut my brain off and allow me to sleep.

For me, since some of my alters say they never sleep...I feel that is why, I cannot sleep as well...they are awake in my head, and I swear, they yell and scream and flip on lights and slam doors all night....in my head....so goddamn frustrating.

Last night, I was so tired, I wanted to try and sleep without the pill...I have consistently been taking them every night for over 6 months, and I have been sleeping 8-9 hours a night.  I could barely hold my eyes open.  So Kevin, put the Xanax by my bed and said that if I was not asleep within an hour and a half, to take the pill.   I was like "okay", I was sure I would be able to fall asleep without it.....2 hours later, I am still awake, my body is tired, my eyes are tired, but my fucking brain is wide awake!

So I took the damn pill and was asleep within 30 minutes.  That fucking Xanax is the only medication that will actually turn my head off and allow me to sleep..not any sleeping pills, not melatonin, not wine, not meditation techniques, not white noise, not total darkness in the room, nothing fucking works except that little damn pill.

So I guess my body is addicted to that pill.....I only take it at night, never in the day or any other time, in fact, Kevin keeps the pills with him so I do not even have access to them.  I have a history of being addicted to pills because of all the damn pills my doctors put me on...it took so much to get off of all those medications and I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT.  But, here I am, dependent on a fucking pill so I can sleep.

I guess once a drug addict, always a drug addict.   

This is DID...nothing but a clusterfuck of the brain.   I am a fucking loser.

Sparrow, the loser.