Thursday, January 4, 2024

Shame

 I am becoming more and more ashamed of having DID than ever before.  When I did not know I had this condition, I had nothing to be ashamed of, now that I have been diagnosed with this, I feel huge shame.

Shame, because it took so fucking long to be diagnosed.

Shame, because it completely disrupts how and who I thought I was.

Shame, because it is largely not believed by the public.

Shame, because of hollywoods depiction of DID people (I hate being grouped in with that stereotype)

Shame, because the vast majority of my family and friends will say "I am lying".

Shame in always having to be defensive.

Shame because I cannot prove what went on in my home as a child.

Shame because I did not speak out earlier of my abuse.

Shame because I let others "shut me up"...

Shame because I was the ultimate christian hypocrite.  I played the game, lied continuously about being a christian and I propagated the christian agenda, even when I did not believe it at all....

Shame because I helped push my kids into church, and the christian religion.

Shame because I cowtowed to my husband about religious views, actions and behaviors.

Shame because of the coward I have always been, and continue to be.

Shame for staying in a loveless marriage at the expense of my own happiness

Shame for letting myself be manipulated by others for their gain at the expense of mine.

I lived a double life, one was the fine upstanding christian wife and mother, and the other life of a "sinner" and a "witch", even though I had no ideal that I was living a double life...but there it is.

Shame because I have to defend myself, all the time....the innocent should not have to be on the defensive all the time....

Shame for hurting myself, mentally, physically and emotionally, by living a "unrecognized lie"...for lying about marks on my body, or where I have been or what I have done...making up lies because I had no memory of certain behaviors...that is shameful.   In stead of just saying "I don't know", or "I don't remember", I just lied and made up stories, to hide something I had no ideal I why.

Shame for the embarrassment I am to my family.

I have so much shame for my entire life....I am ashamed of breathing the fucking air everyone else gets to breathe....

No matter how many videos we make, no matter how much I learn about the factual disorder of DID, no matter how many of my "friends" accept my truth, no matter how much Kevin supports and believes in me....the shame I feel, destroys the little bit of hope I have in living with this fucking disorder, now that I know I have it....

Despite the origin, the horrific origin, of how DID is established, and the knowledge that "as a child, it was the only way I could defend myself against the monster that was my parents", regardless of all the medical research and data compiled about the reality of DID...I still feel so much shame....

Kevin believes that I should have "DID" listed on my medical alert bracelet...I am too ashamed to do that....DID is a fucking embarrassing as shit disorder to have, and it would only confuse medical personnel, as they as a general rule, disbelieve that DID is a real condition.  I feel like listing "DID" on my medical records as a whole,  is telling the world I am a mental retard, that I do not have control of my own mind, that I am weak, that I am unable to be a responsible adult and I need to be monitored "for my own safety"........this is why I am so against the medical establishment in knowing that I have this disorder, that I am a retard.

I do not want sympathy and pity for the abuse I sustained in childhood,  I do not want people thinking "oh poor baby, she has DID because of this or that...we need to treat her differently like a china doll...I do not want to be tip toed around, because I am mentally off"....this is what would and is certainly happening now that more and more people learn of my disorder and the same disorder in millions of others....all of us "mental retards"....poor poor thing....awe....I do not want false friends, false hope and false love.

How do I reconcile the shame I feel with the reality of DID?

S


No comments:

Post a Comment

the Tent

 You know, as much as I complain about being lonely and isolated,  I enjoy my solitude so much.  I enjoy being able to get away to my own sp...