My rock

 It is so easy for me to get inside my own head....Some days, I am literally all over the damn place, emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Some times I have good reasons, and sometimes not.   I get so fucking tired of being alone all the time....I am so selfish with Kevin.  If you look at my phone call history on my cell...its all Kevins number....same with texts and voicemails.   

Other than spam calls, its all Kevin.   So, its no wonder I am so selfish in wanting all his time, all the time....not practical, but there it is.  So I guess I am a selfish bitch.

I feel that if I had other friends, other people around to do things with, go places with, to talk too, I would not be so focused on Kevin...it is not fair to him...he gets the brunt of all my anger, all my frustrations and all my "perceived" ideals.  Poor guy.   And its not just me, but my others too....they have preconceived ideals and notions that are not mine...so this adds to my confusion and frustrations, and puts even more crap on Kevins plate.

Yesterday, I had to get out of the house, so I went, by myself as always, to the mall and Target...just to walk around and see other humans having a life.  I am a loner and I am isolated from life, I know that.  But I miss not having a "girlfriend" or a "gay man best friend",  I miss not being able to pick up the phone and call someone just to talk...I have no one to do that with.  

So its just me and Boomer, until Kevin has free time.   I have never in my life been this isolated and alone...even in Oklahoma, I had friends I could call and go and visit and hang out with...I had places to go...here in VA it is very different.  

Kevins friends are simply not my friends.  I have zero in common with them...and all his friends are guys...This is not his fault.  He has introduced me to them, took me to office parties etc, he has been trying to introduce me to people...but for whatever reason,  it doesn't work.  I am sure that is me....all me.  I am so insecure and unsure of myself.  I do not know my strengths,  I feel everything I say is "stupid" or "inane" and I don't have anything intelligent to offer to a conversation. 

I know that women do not like me around their men.  I am very friendly and flirty (?) and I feel they think I am after their man...I am not.  I have had almost entirely "male" friends my whole life.  Women really don't like me...maybe its because I am small and petite and blonde, maybe my size threatens their self-esteem,  maybe the attention I get from other men, threaten them...I don't know, but I do know that I would NEVER try and steal another womans man.   If a man doesn't want to be stolen, then a woman cannot steal them....and vice versa.

I have got to figure out a way to be "okay" with my new life.  To be "okay" with being alone and having just "Kevin".  He is enough, but I feel at times, I am too much for him....you know with the DID and shit.   I guess I am pretty needy in ways, and also pretty independent in ways.   

Whenever I do get to talk with my dad, or kids I tend to get into a funk....and my depression starts to rear its ugly head...I start doubting everything,  I start questioning Kevin, my decisions, my life...Kevin gets the brunt of everything that goes on in my head, whether its real or just perceived....is that fair?  What is fair in a relationship?

So on bad days, I attack Kevin....I attack his character, his decisions, his behavior or lack of behavior,  because He is all I have...its never about him, its always about me...he is just there to take the "beating"....so please know that if you are reading a blog and its pretty negative against Kevin...just remember...its not about him, its about me.   He is my punching bag,  he takes my "punches" like a champ...he does not walk away, he does not scold or punish me,  he just lets me rant and rage, then its over, and we move on.   Kinda like I let him rant about his job and the idiots he works with, he needs to rant, and I am his whipping girl at that time....he rants, gets over it, and we move on.   

The fact that "we" can work through issues and come out stronger and better is a testament to the fact that Kevin is my best friend and I am his.  Friends stick with us through the horribly bad, and the wonderful good.  We are solid.  Kevin is my rock.

S

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I believe that what Sparrow is saying in this blog is only half true.  She does have friends that she could call, but she does not want to intrude on others peoples lives without an invitation.   This confuses me, in Oklahoma, the home was an open door policy..no invitations were ever needed for someone to stop by and visit...but here in Virginia,  she keeps her door closed and her heart closed.  Why?

I feel the "isolation" she thinks she has, is not all her doing.  Here in VA, all of us get to come and go as we want.  We get to do things that we are interested in, and Kevin gives us that privilege. She now has knowledge of us, and that terrifies her. We did not have that in Oklahoma, so we hid and pretended to be her.(she had no knowledge)  She was "safe" from us fronting as us.  Her videos are giving her a voice, yet it is also keeping her down, in a way.  Most of Kevins' friends now know about "all of us", and this scares her and makes her feel insecure.  She gets into her own head, and runs to the door and shuts it.   There is a huge conflict in her way of thinking.  A-she wants to run towards her truth, but B-she wants to run away from it...This is her conflict.   Her dilemma....Once she can come to acceptance of her "disorder", then she will be free of her self-imposed prison.

I accept it.  I am pretty sure we all accept this, except her, Sparrow.  People with cancer, have to accept their diagnosis, then work towards some type of healing and or treatment.   She is trying, and some days, she does a good job accepting her DID, but then some days she fights against it/us.  Just like cancer, the time and duration of the diagnosis/treatment is varied with each individual.  The same goes with DID and other mental disorders.  Each person is different in how they handle adversities.  I see videos of other DID people and they seem proud and use their disorder to seek attention, or to bring attention to this issue...

Sparrow wants so much to bring attention to this issue, and for her family to understand the whole gamut of what DID really is, yet she wants to be invisible in her disorder...she cannot be vocal and invisible at the same time....she needs to keep her door open and this is the heart of the dilemma she faces....

Tessa