Alone, nothing

 Have you ever went to a party, and didn't know a single person except the person that brought you?  Its a weird feeling, everyone is talking all around you, laughing, having fun, all around, but you are excluded?  Not excluded in a bad way, just excluded because they don't know you and you don't know them....I have been to many such parties with Kevin.  Kevins co-workers and friends where I am his plus one.   This is an uncomfortable place to be within yourself.

Do you butt into others conversations to feel included?  Or do you just sit and smile and nod and let your companion do all the socializing.....its an odd feeling to be in a place, but not really there, forgettable to others.

This is how I feel in all social settings.  My Jeep groups, Kevins job, St Francis dog service and even a room full of family.  I tend to be just a wallflower.  Where I use to be the comedian and life of the party, I am now just simply not that type of person anymore.  Why?  age? insecurities? lack of knowledge? DID?

Even when it is just Kevin and I alone in a room, I still feel by myself.  Kevin is always preoccupied with his woodworking, his youtube videos, his job, and I have nothing to add or contribute, so I sit in silence.  When I do speak up or say something, more often than not, my voice goes unheard, or ignored.  Kevin at times, acts like I never said anything, even though he says "he heard me".  Well there is a huge difference in being "heard" and being talked too....we can be sitting side by side, and I am invisible.   This adds to my insecurity of being alone.

When Kevin is here, he is really not here.  He is in his own head most of the time.  This is not a bad thing, but it is also not a good thing.   I sit alone all day, with no human communication, waiting for Kevin to come over, and when he does, I am still alone...he is busy with his stuff....all the time.  So even when he is here, he is not here.   When he finally wants to talk or be with me, it is late in the evening and I am getting ready for bed, tired, and discouraged.   I need conversation, I need back and forth conversation about my needs or interests.   If I tell something to Kevin, instead of him talking with me, asking questions, engaging in my topic, he immediately goes to something in his life that is along the lines of what I said...but he does not engage me in my thoughts, its always about him.   This is what my life has always been.....Kevin is doing to me what others have done, ignoring me.

I feel so alone, so insignificant, and just plain bothersome.   So I clam up and say "nothing is wrong" because, if I state my mind, I am reminded how I am so wrong in my feelings.   On his days off, that is suppose to be our time together, but most often his days off are his days to spend working on wood projects, that do not include me at all....so I sit, by myself, in my apartment, alone...Kevin might as well be on the moon.....He thinks watching shows together, is spending time together.  It is not.....its just watching TV.   

If Kevin says something to me, and I don't answer or acknowledge what he is saying, then he will ask me "are you mad at me?"   Yet, when I say something and he does not acknowledge me, and I say "did you hear me?"  he says "yes, I heard you"...but again, hearing is not listening, hearing is not engaging me, hearing is just that hearing something.   Maybe what I say is not important to Kevin so he doesn't answer, or maybe he is just that way,  only answers if asked too answer...I don't know, but what I do know is this:  I feel I am being ignored and treated as less than......Maybe its the man condition.  I am a man, I am important, you are just a woman, less than and not as important...just do your female things and leave me alone....this is a mentality that most men, especially men Kevins age think and believe.   How do I change this?  I have talked with him about this until I am blue in the face, nothing changes....he "listens" but there is no change.....

This is exactly John too...and I left John.....I need to feel important, important enough to want conversation, important enough to want to be with....John made me feel stupid and insignificant...Kevin often makes me feel that way too....

so, I sit here, alone...always alone....even in a crowded room, alone, even with Kevin beside me, alone....I have learned that I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, nothing...I am nothing....an alone nothing....

S, 7