2024.....

 So this new year is starting off with a bang!

I have a new physical ailment to have to deal with...degenerative disc disease of my C5-7 neck discs...arthritis.  Most likely caused by my years of gymnastics...ugh, so that is a new pain I have to learn to accommodate into my life...great.

Kevin has been sick these past couple of days, with fever and chills...but he has tested negative for Covid three times...so he just has some type of bug...I am sure I will get it too....great...but at the same time, it is nice to "take care of him" for once....seems he is always taking care of me and my many ailments, so now I get to return the favor...I am imitating a nurse! haha

Then, I get a text from John...my dad is in the emergency room with blood in his urine.  It was about this time last year when he almost died of a gangrenous gall bladder and was in the hospital for almost 2 months...my mother is now in a nursing home for dementia, so she is not there for him.  It just so happened that my sister and her husband are in Oklahoma, and they took him to the hospital.  So they are there to take care of him...that takes the pressure off of me to be "need" to be with my dad.  There is no way I can drive 1000 miles to be in Oklahoma,  my spine will not let me, the pain would be horrendous...and I cannot fly down, I cannot afford a round trip plane ticket, hotel and rental car, so I am stuck....which, in all honesty, I am relieved.

I will not be around my sister...omg, that would be the most triggering place for me to be...I cannot stand her, we would get into it and fight and it would be a fucking disaster for everyone there....she knows of my DID but chooses to ignore it...she thinks Kevin has a leash on my neck and that he makes all my decisions for me...she is so fucking wrong...I believe she is just jealous, that I got out of a bad situation and am now happy and safe...she is pissed because now she has to step up and take care of our parents....I did it for over 35 years, its her turn....fuck her, time for her and my brother to step up and be responsible for their dad and their mother....I did my time, its their turn now.

I do not know how my dad will fair with this new condition that he is hospitalized for.  He is so upset about my mom, he is upset that I am not there, he is lonely, and he is tired beyond description...he may just give up the fight to live....I am preparing myself for his death...will it be this year?  

I do know, that if my dad passes, I will have to be there for the funeral and stuff...but, Kevin will definitely take me, as I will need him to keep me "safe" from everyone.   And that will cause issues, bringing Kevin with me..but this time, he will not stay away from me at the hotel or at his brothers...he will accompany me to all family meetings, he will no longer be on the sidelines.  John knows I am with him, that I trust him and he knows that Kevin is taking care of me here in VA.  My kids have never seen him, but they will...so there will be drama there too...but,  my only concern, if my dad passes, will be my dad.  Period.

My dad is the last person on this earth that knows about my abuse, knows about my childhood and he could "apologize" to me for "telling me to get over it" he could apologize for "lying to the baptist seminary about my existence..."  he could help me so much to heal....but so far, he has not done any of that...so if he passes, that will be the last hope I have for validation and acknowledgement or even an apology.

That saddens me....my mother is lost in her own mind, the other abusers are dead or locked up...my dad is all that is left to validate my memories.....that will be lost forever.....and it a sense, I will be lost forever....

So, 2024 can not go by quickly enough....I feel it is going to be an extremely hard year for me and kevin...sigh

S