2024

 So it is now 2024.  I really do not when a new year comes around...why?  

Last year was basically a bad year.  It saw me get really sick in February.

It saw my dad, almost die with gangrenous gall bladder, he was hospitalized for 2-3 months.  In that time, my mother was diagnosed with dementia.  I was sick so I was not able to go and be with my family...this caused even more division with my sister and brother and family...

With my mothers dementia, the door to me being able to finally talk to her, get answers and perhaps an apology or confirmation of the abuse that led to my DID, will never happen....

I can count on one hand the number of times I actually talked to my kids on the phone, and that kid was Gary.  I did not talk to any of the other two the entire year of 2023....only thru texts....this tells me loud and clear that they do not want anything to do with me.

Last year was a tough year...what will this year bring?  My dad is now 82...is this his last year on earth?  What about my mother?  

I am so beyond scared and terrified that something awful will happen to me or Kevin this year.....we are both older,  and each new year brings more health issues to senior adults.   My daddy was a heavy smoker that eventually killed him through heart disease at the age of 66.   Kevin is fast approaching that age, and he is a heavy smoker...I am petrified for him...I wish he would cut way back on his smoking, but he won't.   He has been smoking since he was 9 yrs old and he feels he is invincible.  Just like my daddy did.   My daddy and Kevin are the only two men I have ever really truly loved with all my heart....and smoking killed my daddy and it will kill Kevin too...and this horrifies me....Every time I mention this to Kevin, he dismisses my fears...

He says he loves me, yet he is unwilling to change his habit for me, so we can grow old together....so, I have to prepare for a life without Kevin in it....sadly, I will literally have no life if his smoking kills him....I will have nothing left to live for.  No family, no friends, no Kevin.....

I will die too.

The new year brings supposed "hope" for a better life, but for me, it just hastens up the dying...it  just heightens my anxiety of "what if".....I am filled with dread instead of hope....

So today, January 1, 2024....I sit and ponder what this year will bring...more wars, more political shit, more division in our country, more hate, and more unhappiness than ever before.

S

I do not think that Kevin realizes just how much we all depend on him.   He has given us freedom to be who we are, he has given us love and respect, and answers.  It is not only Sparrow who depends on him, I do too, and probably the others as well.  Especially Ally....she needs him....and because of that, we all need him.  

The passage of time does not bother me.  But, it does bother Sparrow, and her anxiousness, affects us.   

Tessa