My rock

 It is so easy for me to get inside my own head....Some days, I am literally all over the damn place, emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Some times I have good reasons, and sometimes not.   I get so fucking tired of being alone all the time....I am so selfish with Kevin.  If you look at my phone call history on my cell...its all Kevins number....same with texts and voicemails.   

Other than spam calls, its all Kevin.   So, its no wonder I am so selfish in wanting all his time, all the time....not practical, but there it is.  So I guess I am a selfish bitch.

I feel that if I had other friends, other people around to do things with, go places with, to talk too, I would not be so focused on Kevin...it is not fair to him...he gets the brunt of all my anger, all my frustrations and all my "perceived" ideals.  Poor guy.   And its not just me, but my others too....they have preconceived ideals and notions that are not mine...so this adds to my confusion and frustrations, and puts even more crap on Kevins plate.

Yesterday, I had to get out of the house, so I went, by myself as always, to the mall and Target...just to walk around and see other humans having a life.  I am a loner and I am isolated from life, I know that.  But I miss not having a "girlfriend" or a "gay man best friend",  I miss not being able to pick up the phone and call someone just to talk...I have no one to do that with.  

So its just me and Boomer, until Kevin has free time.   I have never in my life been this isolated and alone...even in Oklahoma, I had friends I could call and go and visit and hang out with...I had places to go...here in VA it is very different.  

Kevins friends are simply not my friends.  I have zero in common with them...and all his friends are guys...This is not his fault.  He has introduced me to them, took me to office parties etc, he has been trying to introduce me to people...but for whatever reason,  it doesn't work.  I am sure that is me....all me.  I am so insecure and unsure of myself.  I do not know my strengths,  I feel everything I say is "stupid" or "inane" and I don't have anything intelligent to offer to a conversation. 

I know that women do not like me around their men.  I am very friendly and flirty (?) and I feel they think I am after their man...I am not.  I have had almost entirely "male" friends my whole life.  Women really don't like me...maybe its because I am small and petite and blonde, maybe my size threatens their self-esteem,  maybe the attention I get from other men, threaten them...I don't know, but I do know that I would NEVER try and steal another womans man.   If a man doesn't want to be stolen, then a woman cannot steal them....and vice versa.

I have got to figure out a way to be "okay" with my new life.  To be "okay" with being alone and having just "Kevin".  He is enough, but I feel at times, I am too much for him....you know with the DID and shit.   I guess I am pretty needy in ways, and also pretty independent in ways.   

Whenever I do get to talk with my dad, or kids I tend to get into a funk....and my depression starts to rear its ugly head...I start doubting everything,  I start questioning Kevin, my decisions, my life...Kevin gets the brunt of everything that goes on in my head, whether its real or just perceived....is that fair?  What is fair in a relationship?

So on bad days, I attack Kevin....I attack his character, his decisions, his behavior or lack of behavior,  because He is all I have...its never about him, its always about me...he is just there to take the "beating"....so please know that if you are reading a blog and its pretty negative against Kevin...just remember...its not about him, its about me.   He is my punching bag,  he takes my "punches" like a champ...he does not walk away, he does not scold or punish me,  he just lets me rant and rage, then its over, and we move on.   Kinda like I let him rant about his job and the idiots he works with, he needs to rant, and I am his whipping girl at that time....he rants, gets over it, and we move on.   

The fact that "we" can work through issues and come out stronger and better is a testament to the fact that Kevin is my best friend and I am his.  Friends stick with us through the horribly bad, and the wonderful good.  We are solid.  Kevin is my rock.

S

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I believe that what Sparrow is saying in this blog is only half true.  She does have friends that she could call, but she does not want to intrude on others peoples lives without an invitation.   This confuses me, in Oklahoma, the home was an open door policy..no invitations were ever needed for someone to stop by and visit...but here in Virginia,  she keeps her door closed and her heart closed.  Why?

I feel the "isolation" she thinks she has, is not all her doing.  Here in VA, all of us get to come and go as we want.  We get to do things that we are interested in, and Kevin gives us that privilege. She now has knowledge of us, and that terrifies her. We did not have that in Oklahoma, so we hid and pretended to be her.(she had no knowledge)  She was "safe" from us fronting as us.  Her videos are giving her a voice, yet it is also keeping her down, in a way.  Most of Kevins' friends now know about "all of us", and this scares her and makes her feel insecure.  She gets into her own head, and runs to the door and shuts it.   There is a huge conflict in her way of thinking.  A-she wants to run towards her truth, but B-she wants to run away from it...This is her conflict.   Her dilemma....Once she can come to acceptance of her "disorder", then she will be free of her self-imposed prison.

I accept it.  I am pretty sure we all accept this, except her, Sparrow.  People with cancer, have to accept their diagnosis, then work towards some type of healing and or treatment.   She is trying, and some days, she does a good job accepting her DID, but then some days she fights against it/us.  Just like cancer, the time and duration of the diagnosis/treatment is varied with each individual.  The same goes with DID and other mental disorders.  Each person is different in how they handle adversities.  I see videos of other DID people and they seem proud and use their disorder to seek attention, or to bring attention to this issue...

Sparrow wants so much to bring attention to this issue, and for her family to understand the whole gamut of what DID really is, yet she wants to be invisible in her disorder...she cannot be vocal and invisible at the same time....she needs to keep her door open and this is the heart of the dilemma she faces....

Tessa

Alone, nothing

 Have you ever went to a party, and didn't know a single person except the person that brought you?  Its a weird feeling, everyone is talking all around you, laughing, having fun, all around, but you are excluded?  Not excluded in a bad way, just excluded because they don't know you and you don't know them....I have been to many such parties with Kevin.  Kevins co-workers and friends where I am his plus one.   This is an uncomfortable place to be within yourself.

Do you butt into others conversations to feel included?  Or do you just sit and smile and nod and let your companion do all the socializing.....its an odd feeling to be in a place, but not really there, forgettable to others.

This is how I feel in all social settings.  My Jeep groups, Kevins job, St Francis dog service and even a room full of family.  I tend to be just a wallflower.  Where I use to be the comedian and life of the party, I am now just simply not that type of person anymore.  Why?  age? insecurities? lack of knowledge? DID?

Even when it is just Kevin and I alone in a room, I still feel by myself.  Kevin is always preoccupied with his woodworking, his youtube videos, his job, and I have nothing to add or contribute, so I sit in silence.  When I do speak up or say something, more often than not, my voice goes unheard, or ignored.  Kevin at times, acts like I never said anything, even though he says "he heard me".  Well there is a huge difference in being "heard" and being talked too....we can be sitting side by side, and I am invisible.   This adds to my insecurity of being alone.

When Kevin is here, he is really not here.  He is in his own head most of the time.  This is not a bad thing, but it is also not a good thing.   I sit alone all day, with no human communication, waiting for Kevin to come over, and when he does, I am still alone...he is busy with his stuff....all the time.  So even when he is here, he is not here.   When he finally wants to talk or be with me, it is late in the evening and I am getting ready for bed, tired, and discouraged.   I need conversation, I need back and forth conversation about my needs or interests.   If I tell something to Kevin, instead of him talking with me, asking questions, engaging in my topic, he immediately goes to something in his life that is along the lines of what I said...but he does not engage me in my thoughts, its always about him.   This is what my life has always been.....Kevin is doing to me what others have done, ignoring me.

I feel so alone, so insignificant, and just plain bothersome.   So I clam up and say "nothing is wrong" because, if I state my mind, I am reminded how I am so wrong in my feelings.   On his days off, that is suppose to be our time together, but most often his days off are his days to spend working on wood projects, that do not include me at all....so I sit, by myself, in my apartment, alone...Kevin might as well be on the moon.....He thinks watching shows together, is spending time together.  It is not.....its just watching TV.   

If Kevin says something to me, and I don't answer or acknowledge what he is saying, then he will ask me "are you mad at me?"   Yet, when I say something and he does not acknowledge me, and I say "did you hear me?"  he says "yes, I heard you"...but again, hearing is not listening, hearing is not engaging me, hearing is just that hearing something.   Maybe what I say is not important to Kevin so he doesn't answer, or maybe he is just that way,  only answers if asked too answer...I don't know, but what I do know is this:  I feel I am being ignored and treated as less than......Maybe its the man condition.  I am a man, I am important, you are just a woman, less than and not as important...just do your female things and leave me alone....this is a mentality that most men, especially men Kevins age think and believe.   How do I change this?  I have talked with him about this until I am blue in the face, nothing changes....he "listens" but there is no change.....

This is exactly John too...and I left John.....I need to feel important, important enough to want conversation, important enough to want to be with....John made me feel stupid and insignificant...Kevin often makes me feel that way too....

so, I sit here, alone...always alone....even in a crowded room, alone, even with Kevin beside me, alone....I have learned that I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute, nothing to offer, nothing...I am nothing....an alone nothing....

S, 7

2024.....

 So this new year is starting off with a bang!

I have a new physical ailment to have to deal with...degenerative disc disease of my C5-7 neck discs...arthritis.  Most likely caused by my years of gymnastics...ugh, so that is a new pain I have to learn to accommodate into my life...great.

Kevin has been sick these past couple of days, with fever and chills...but he has tested negative for Covid three times...so he just has some type of bug...I am sure I will get it too....great...but at the same time, it is nice to "take care of him" for once....seems he is always taking care of me and my many ailments, so now I get to return the favor...I am imitating a nurse! haha

Then, I get a text from John...my dad is in the emergency room with blood in his urine.  It was about this time last year when he almost died of a gangrenous gall bladder and was in the hospital for almost 2 months...my mother is now in a nursing home for dementia, so she is not there for him.  It just so happened that my sister and her husband are in Oklahoma, and they took him to the hospital.  So they are there to take care of him...that takes the pressure off of me to be "need" to be with my dad.  There is no way I can drive 1000 miles to be in Oklahoma,  my spine will not let me, the pain would be horrendous...and I cannot fly down, I cannot afford a round trip plane ticket, hotel and rental car, so I am stuck....which, in all honesty, I am relieved.

I will not be around my sister...omg, that would be the most triggering place for me to be...I cannot stand her, we would get into it and fight and it would be a fucking disaster for everyone there....she knows of my DID but chooses to ignore it...she thinks Kevin has a leash on my neck and that he makes all my decisions for me...she is so fucking wrong...I believe she is just jealous, that I got out of a bad situation and am now happy and safe...she is pissed because now she has to step up and take care of our parents....I did it for over 35 years, its her turn....fuck her, time for her and my brother to step up and be responsible for their dad and their mother....I did my time, its their turn now.

I do not know how my dad will fair with this new condition that he is hospitalized for.  He is so upset about my mom, he is upset that I am not there, he is lonely, and he is tired beyond description...he may just give up the fight to live....I am preparing myself for his death...will it be this year?  

I do know, that if my dad passes, I will have to be there for the funeral and stuff...but, Kevin will definitely take me, as I will need him to keep me "safe" from everyone.   And that will cause issues, bringing Kevin with me..but this time, he will not stay away from me at the hotel or at his brothers...he will accompany me to all family meetings, he will no longer be on the sidelines.  John knows I am with him, that I trust him and he knows that Kevin is taking care of me here in VA.  My kids have never seen him, but they will...so there will be drama there too...but,  my only concern, if my dad passes, will be my dad.  Period.

My dad is the last person on this earth that knows about my abuse, knows about my childhood and he could "apologize" to me for "telling me to get over it" he could apologize for "lying to the baptist seminary about my existence..."  he could help me so much to heal....but so far, he has not done any of that...so if he passes, that will be the last hope I have for validation and acknowledgement or even an apology.

That saddens me....my mother is lost in her own mind, the other abusers are dead or locked up...my dad is all that is left to validate my memories.....that will be lost forever.....and it a sense, I will be lost forever....

So, 2024 can not go by quickly enough....I feel it is going to be an extremely hard year for me and kevin...sigh

S

DCD

 As if my life was not the shits already....I have been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease...my spinal chord is breaking down...this has been why I have been in so much fucking pain for the last couple of months....

I couldn't take the pain anymore and had some X rays done....usually the results I can view in my Patient Portal...but, when I went there to check my results, it said to contact my healthcare provider concerning these images....

I knew right then, something was up....I had to wait fucking all weekend for my doctor to finally call yesterday (Monday).  He gave me the fucking wonderful news that my spinal chord is fucked.  I also probably have a bulging disc in my neck to boot.

Why do I have this?  Its because of years and years of gymnastics, forcing my body into unnatural positions, and the stress of impact on mats and such from tumbling....gymnastics fucked up my spine.

I wish I had known then what tumbling would do to my body in the long run, I would never have pursued gymnastics....

DCD is sports related most of the time.  Professional athletes, armature athletes, and regular people, set themselves up for "old age bone issues" because of sports....

Geez, I cannot fucking believe I have to deal with this shit.

Am I going to end up in a wheel chair?   There are no surgeries to fix it, no medications to take to heal it....my life now, will be muscle relaxers, NSAIDS, and chiropractor visits....it will be walking on egg shells for every damn thing...does it also mean, no more trail riding???

I finally found something I truly enjoy, my Jeep....only for it to be yanked away from me, like everything else in my life...I finally am free to do what I want, when I want, and how I want...only for that to be like "haha, just kidding"...my body is now my prison.

Kevin did not ask for this.  He already deals with his own foot issue, he deals with my DID, my brain tumors, his 11 yr old son...now, he is going to have to deal with even more shit from me....omg...he is turning into a nurse maid...

Not fair to him.....my body is is breaking down, deteriorating at a rapid pace.  This is old age.  This is the repercussions of stupid decisions about my body...gymnastics was a colossal mistake for me....even though it brought me pride in the fact that I could do something better than most people,  in the end, gymnastics was Karma.   Now I am suffering...fuck fuck fuck

It seems every damn choice I have made throughout my life, is now affecting my old age life....actions have consequences....competitive gymnastics ruins your body...pure and simple.

I am so thankful that none of my kids did competitive sports, and did not pursue a sports related profession....but now I worry about my daughter and her weight lifting and training...is she setting herself up for the same disease that I am now dealing with???

sigh, another banner day for Sparrow.

S

Shame

 I am becoming more and more ashamed of having DID than ever before.  When I did not know I had this condition, I had nothing to be ashamed of, now that I have been diagnosed with this, I feel huge shame.

Shame, because it took so fucking long to be diagnosed.

Shame, because it completely disrupts how and who I thought I was.

Shame, because it is largely not believed by the public.

Shame, because of hollywoods depiction of DID people (I hate being grouped in with that stereotype)

Shame, because the vast majority of my family and friends will say "I am lying".

Shame in always having to be defensive.

Shame because I cannot prove what went on in my home as a child.

Shame because I did not speak out earlier of my abuse.

Shame because I let others "shut me up"...

Shame because I was the ultimate christian hypocrite.  I played the game, lied continuously about being a christian and I propagated the christian agenda, even when I did not believe it at all....

Shame because I helped push my kids into church, and the christian religion.

Shame because I cowtowed to my husband about religious views, actions and behaviors.

Shame because of the coward I have always been, and continue to be.

Shame for staying in a loveless marriage at the expense of my own happiness

Shame for letting myself be manipulated by others for their gain at the expense of mine.

I lived a double life, one was the fine upstanding christian wife and mother, and the other life of a "sinner" and a "witch", even though I had no ideal that I was living a double life...but there it is.

Shame because I have to defend myself, all the time....the innocent should not have to be on the defensive all the time....

Shame for hurting myself, mentally, physically and emotionally, by living a "unrecognized lie"...for lying about marks on my body, or where I have been or what I have done...making up lies because I had no memory of certain behaviors...that is shameful.   In stead of just saying "I don't know", or "I don't remember", I just lied and made up stories, to hide something I had no ideal I why.

Shame for the embarrassment I am to my family.

I have so much shame for my entire life....I am ashamed of breathing the fucking air everyone else gets to breathe....

No matter how many videos we make, no matter how much I learn about the factual disorder of DID, no matter how many of my "friends" accept my truth, no matter how much Kevin supports and believes in me....the shame I feel, destroys the little bit of hope I have in living with this fucking disorder, now that I know I have it....

Despite the origin, the horrific origin, of how DID is established, and the knowledge that "as a child, it was the only way I could defend myself against the monster that was my parents", regardless of all the medical research and data compiled about the reality of DID...I still feel so much shame....

Kevin believes that I should have "DID" listed on my medical alert bracelet...I am too ashamed to do that....DID is a fucking embarrassing as shit disorder to have, and it would only confuse medical personnel, as they as a general rule, disbelieve that DID is a real condition.  I feel like listing "DID" on my medical records as a whole,  is telling the world I am a mental retard, that I do not have control of my own mind, that I am weak, that I am unable to be a responsible adult and I need to be monitored "for my own safety"........this is why I am so against the medical establishment in knowing that I have this disorder, that I am a retard.

I do not want sympathy and pity for the abuse I sustained in childhood,  I do not want people thinking "oh poor baby, she has DID because of this or that...we need to treat her differently like a china doll...I do not want to be tip toed around, because I am mentally off"....this is what would and is certainly happening now that more and more people learn of my disorder and the same disorder in millions of others....all of us "mental retards"....poor poor thing....awe....I do not want false friends, false hope and false love.

How do I reconcile the shame I feel with the reality of DID?

S

2024

 So it is now 2024.  I really do not when a new year comes around...why?  

Last year was basically a bad year.  It saw me get really sick in February.

It saw my dad, almost die with gangrenous gall bladder, he was hospitalized for 2-3 months.  In that time, my mother was diagnosed with dementia.  I was sick so I was not able to go and be with my family...this caused even more division with my sister and brother and family...

With my mothers dementia, the door to me being able to finally talk to her, get answers and perhaps an apology or confirmation of the abuse that led to my DID, will never happen....

I can count on one hand the number of times I actually talked to my kids on the phone, and that kid was Gary.  I did not talk to any of the other two the entire year of 2023....only thru texts....this tells me loud and clear that they do not want anything to do with me.

Last year was a tough year...what will this year bring?  My dad is now 82...is this his last year on earth?  What about my mother?  

I am so beyond scared and terrified that something awful will happen to me or Kevin this year.....we are both older,  and each new year brings more health issues to senior adults.   My daddy was a heavy smoker that eventually killed him through heart disease at the age of 66.   Kevin is fast approaching that age, and he is a heavy smoker...I am petrified for him...I wish he would cut way back on his smoking, but he won't.   He has been smoking since he was 9 yrs old and he feels he is invincible.  Just like my daddy did.   My daddy and Kevin are the only two men I have ever really truly loved with all my heart....and smoking killed my daddy and it will kill Kevin too...and this horrifies me....Every time I mention this to Kevin, he dismisses my fears...

He says he loves me, yet he is unwilling to change his habit for me, so we can grow old together....so, I have to prepare for a life without Kevin in it....sadly, I will literally have no life if his smoking kills him....I will have nothing left to live for.  No family, no friends, no Kevin.....

I will die too.

The new year brings supposed "hope" for a better life, but for me, it just hastens up the dying...it  just heightens my anxiety of "what if".....I am filled with dread instead of hope....

So today, January 1, 2024....I sit and ponder what this year will bring...more wars, more political shit, more division in our country, more hate, and more unhappiness than ever before.

S

I do not think that Kevin realizes just how much we all depend on him.   He has given us freedom to be who we are, he has given us love and respect, and answers.  It is not only Sparrow who depends on him, I do too, and probably the others as well.  Especially Ally....she needs him....and because of that, we all need him.  

The passage of time does not bother me.  But, it does bother Sparrow, and her anxiousness, affects us.   

Tessa