no hope

 So this is where I am today.  I feel like my whole is imploding all around me...

My husband (sortof) is trying to make nice for betraying my confidence.  When confronted by my anger over his betrayal he acts like he is not to blame...he will not and has not apologized to me...he just acts like it didn't happen, like I am just "crazy" and my anger is "misguided"...so he has invalidated my feelings, as always...

My kids, do not contact me, ever....I have no ideal how they are...my dad does not call, it always has to be me, to make the call or text anyone, if I don't, then I am ignored...this hurts deeply

The same goes with my partner....he does not acknowledge my texts when I am upset with something he does or does not do....he ignores me also...its like I am invisible.

I realize I have DID, so I guess that means I can never be taken seriously in how I feel about something...oh, well that is 7 or Sophee or somebody else, so I am not taken seriously about what I feel, think or want....My partner maybe does not realize this, or he doesn't care and will figure I will "get over it", just like everyone else in my life just like John.

This sciatica pain is exhausting me...2-3 times a week I go to the chiropractor at 25.00 a visit...this is also eating up the scant money I have...my partner has been paying for some of the visits, which is not fair to him....he has child support and all that...I feel so dependent...I have no independence, never have and never will...the curse of being a woman, a pagan, and having DID, and this fucking back pain...

I feel so alone.....everyday, I have literally nothing to look forward to, nothing to do, nowhere to go.  I sit and wait for Kevin to get off work, so I can listen to his day...his stuff from work, what he saw on Youtube, what projects he will do and is already doing....Its always about him, and that is because I have nothing to offer in a conversation...I have literally nothing...I am a shell of who I once was....

Its the holiday season and all the parades are going on...last year my jeep was in a parade, and it was so much fun...this year, the group of Jeepers I am involved with, have been doing parades like crazy...but they did not mention them on their facebook page, so I never knew...they are just clicking together with a few of the group and excluding everyone else...and this makes me sad, I don't even have a parade to look forward to...nothing...and I already have a hard enough time with the holidays and my depression....I wanted to go and look at the light festival, and that didn't happen either...I hate doing things by myself...so, I do nothing but sit here and get into my head....that is all I have.

Then this fucking conflict in Israel, is affecting my mental health as well. 

what do I have to look forward to for next year?  Not a fucking goddamn thing.  We always talk about going somewhere or doing something, and it never happens, and that is usually because I have chained myself to my apartment via my critters...I sabotaged myself.   The only reason I have multiple pets is because that is all I can do all day long, look after animals...even the dog walking volunteerism I tried at St Francis, seems to have fallen through, and I do not know why....

I am so sad, so frustrated with this back pain, so upset with John, upset with Kevin, upset with myself.   I am nothing.

I do not know if I will survive until January.   What kind of an existence is there when I have no existence?  Pain is my only reality.  Physical pain, emotional pain and heart pain.   I am dying a little each day.  

So, this is where I am at right now....I am sliding down the hill of despair that only leads to destruction of myself...destruction of my ego, my body, my heart, my security, my sense of normalcy and my very existence.

I am tired and weary and I see no hope...none.

S