employee

 So, yesterday, monday the 11th was my dads actual birthdate.  The family threw a party for him the day before, that i was not aware of.  But, on the 11th I called him to say Happy Birthday.

He told me about the party and how nice it was.  He also told me how lonely he was with mom in the dementia hospital.  I asked him if my brother was visiting him at all.  My brother lives in my dads home with his new wife.  The home is around 5 miles from where my dad is at the retirement center.   

My dad said that David does not come around to visit him hardly ever, in fact, I call and check on him more than David or Suzy.  He also said the person that visits him the most is my husband.  How sad is that?  My brother cannot be bothered by his dad.  My brother is living free in a home....my brother has mooched money from dad his whole life...my brother is a loser.   Its all about him the "golden child".....fuck

Then my dad asked me if I was ever going to be able to come to Oklahoma.  I told him "no".  He started crying.......and of course, this made me feel guilty as hell.  Again the social acceptable thing ate at me.  I want to see my dad, but I do not want to see John or my kids or anybody else.  I told my dad that no one contacts me either, not the kids or any family, only John.  My dad said that I did not need permission to call him....WHY CAN'T HE CALL ME?  WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO CALL OR MAKE THE FIRST MOVE?  

When I told my husband about how I was so hurt by not knowing about the party, and how I felt the pictures were a kick in the gut....I tried to let him know MY feelings on this, being left out, etc...and John, in perfect John order said, "I do not know how to facetime, and I didn't think about calling you"..."but I sent you pictures...I thought I was doing the right thing and I am creamed for it"....

He didn't acknowledge my feelings or thoughts, he flipped it around to make it all about him....then he told me he thinks about me all the time, he dreams about me, he loves me....BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT

If he truly loved me, he would acknowledge my feelings, he would acknowledge my DID, he would try and be learning about the disorder, he would think about my ideals or thoughts or emotions....but he does not, he only thinks about JOHN..

I love my dad, he never physically hurt me, he took care of me, fed me, clothed me, paid for my college...I spent years and years traveling to go and see them, to take care of his mother, to take care of him and mom....I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM....NOT SUZY, NOT DAVID, BUT ME.

And now that I am stepping down as doting daughter, are my brother and sister stepping up?  NO NO NO so my dads tears and loneliness is now my fault, because I cannot be there and there is no one for my dad....I have abandoned the family.....its my fault he is lonely, its my fault....

So the piece of sucker I have been given, is guilt and tears....I am only wanted in Oklahoma so I can clean Johns house, babysit the grandkids, give the kids money, loan my car out, and take care of my dad....I am an employee of the Krupovage Troutman family.  I am not an individual person with my own ideology, I am a walking babysitter, maid, cook, errand runner, etc...I quit that job and left and I will not go back to it....never.

I realize that my dad could easily die, he is 82 and his health is failing, in fact, it has been failing for some time.  I am perfectly aware that I may never see him alive again...how does that make me feel?  CONFLICTED AS HELL.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO????

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