broken suckers.

Here is something about me.  I simply cannot verbally say or verbally explain something that is in my head to somebody.

If I start telling them, I look into their eyes and I see "misunderstanding, anger, frustration, and disbelief."  Whether that is what the person is thinking or not, that is what I see.  And when I see "their eyes" I clam up.  I cannot look into their eyes because I feel so fucking ashamed of what I am trying to say.....

Growing up, every time I tried to "tell my side of the story" or explain something to anyone...I was told "I was being ridiculous, or I was being so stupid, or my words angered them...I was also told it doesn't matter what I think, I am wrong."  So I have been slapped down so much, I literally have no confidence in myself, my thoughts, and my ideology.  I have no confidence at all.

I have learned to settle.  Here are some "examples" on how I have learned to settle.

As a child, if me and my siblings were offered ice cream, my siblings may say they want chocolate....and they would be given chocolate.  but if I said "I wanted chocolate too, I was given vanilla.  So I learned to like vanilla so I could at least have some ice cream.

If there were three suckers, and two of them were whole and one was broken, I was given the broken one.  So I learned to just accept the broken one, because I could at least suck on the broken pieces...

My entire life, I have had to settle on the scraps and be thankful for them.

Fast forward to adulthood...its the same damn thing, but on a larger scale, and adult scale.   In marriage, I had to settle on the demands of a husband.  I was pushed into the background, as husband, religion and children were put before me.  My needs did not matter...so I had to settle, be quiet, and accept the fact that I am a second class citizen....I was told "be grateful for what you have, where you are etc ..." so I settled on "trying to be grateful" when inside, I was screaming for myself.  But I don't matter, I have never mattered....

Today, I simply cannot articulate what is in my head, I cannot articulate my feelings, wants, needs, desires, in a way that makes sense.   So, I blog.   It is the only way I can vent and not have to look into somebodies eyes, or get feedback ridicule.   I can try and speak, but I see doubt in others eyes.  When I am finished trying to speak what is in my head...then I am shown through their words that I am wrong.   Everything is twisted so that I feel that I am wrong and they are right, so to avoid conflict, I agree.   I apologize and I stuff my grief, I stuff my thoughts, I stuff it all deep down inside and try and move on.

I am gaslighted at every turn....so instead of being burned,  I retreat like a fucking coward.  I say "you are right, I am wrong, I apologize" even if I feel I am not wrong...I have such a need to be accepted,  to be listened too, but it doesn't happen...I am listened to at times, then patiently "like I am a child" I am explained to why what I am saying is wrong or not totally true....the lecture of an adult to an adult that makes me feel like a stupid kid.

I finally got the courage to leave my situation in Oklahoma, I felt that I would now be able to be my own person, have my own things, do my own thing and I would finally be free to learn confidence in myself.   But then, I am diagnosed with DID.  Now my confidence in myself is even worse....are my feelings my own or somebody else in my heads feelings?   So when I talk with my advocate, he listens then patiently tells me, that is 7 or Sophee or Tessa or whoever speaking, and I, Sparrow, am dismissed.

I am learning that Sparrow does not matter.  Because Sparrow is not ALL Sparrow which means, she is not to be taken seriously she is not a real person.   My advocate tries to take care of all of us, he really does, but by doing this he is inadvertently suffocating me, Sparrow.

I have things and activities I want to do, I want to experience, but they will never happen because if they do it might upset or damage "Ally".....so because of this little child in my brain, she is controlling everything I as an adult crave...and my needs, wants or desires are crushed.....crushed by my own head.

I try to let things go,  I try to understand stuff,  but I guess I am just too ignorant, immature and stupid to understand the "reality" of  life.   Is it wrong to want more out of a relationship, more out of a life,  when I am a multiple?  

I have to settle.  I have to be grateful for the handouts my advocate gives me, because he knows what is best....if I want chocolate, he gives me vanilla because the vanilla is what is best for me....screw the chocolate desire, that does not matter.

He knows what is best.   He is my dad, my police officer, my advocate, my voice.  I have none of those, because I am too inept to understand life, to understand myself, because I am again, a multiple...a walking idiot who has to be handled for my own good.

Maybe he is right....maybe he is wrong.   I have been handled my entire life, manipulated and brainwashed into thinking I am less than.  It continues today in every aspect of my life...no wonder I am so fucking insecure and have zero self confidence.   Because I am wrong for wanting chocolate ice cream...I am wrong for wanting a whole sucker...why am I wrong?  I am still getting the ice cream and sucker, just not the ones I wanted, only the ones that were left, so I accept the scraps and I try and be grateful...but deep down, I am angry and resentful....why do I have to settle, when everyone else does not?

Why can't my voice be heard?  Why can't I for once in my entire fucking life, get what I truly want?   I am not talking material things, I am talking mental things, opinions, wants and desires from my heart, those are the avenues I have to settle on....

When forced to have a voice, to explain...I sit there, and when I look up into the eyes of the person demanding me explain myself, I see condemnation, doubt and forced patience....it is intimidating and somewhere inside my head I feel I am going to be punished...so I clam up, the words and thoughts get so jumbled in my head that I make no sense verbally...I sound stupid, selfish, foolish and just wrong.

So I look down and stare at my hands....I concentrate on my fingers, and I retreat...I mumble, "you are right", "I am sorry"....its all I can do.  Then if the person conceives "you are right, Sparrow, I was wrong"...then I feel even more horrible...because I envision them looking down at their hands and having to put themselves in a place of compromise or settling...and I KNOW THAT FEELING.  I know in their head they know they are right, but to silence an argument or whatever, they basically throw their hands up in the air, just to shut me up and hope "time" will bring me around to their ideology.

I am ignored.  Time does not heal...time in silence makes the issue within me grow and grow....no matter how hard I try and stuff it and make nice and act like "all is well" I know inside, all is not well and I will eventually explode....

I am a ticking time bomb.  I have been ticking since I was a small child, when does the bomb go off?  

People with DID get no respect.  Our actions, thoughts are not our own, so we are not taken seriously...we are pacified.  We are pacified with vanilla ice cream and broken suckers.

S, Tessa