another broken sucker

 So yesterday, I was again given vanilla ice cream and pieces of a broken sucker.

I am so tired of getting my needs met after I "throw a fit" or "say something"....nothing changes unless I get upset and finally speak my mind.  Then for the next couple of days I will be pacified with my "wants or needs", then it will just go back to shit...the same old thing, until I finally get upset again and speak....

I will have to make the first move, if I want something moved....so tired of that.  I feel like if I "say something loud enough, or write something mean enough" I am finally listened too, not listened too in so much as things and situations will change for the good, but listened too long enough to shut me the fuck up.  But by finally "speaking up and voicing my opinion or thoughts",  I feel like I am manipulating people to meet my needs...and that is so far from the truth...

I get told "no" so much and so often and it gets old...so I throw a fit, like a child, until the "parent" finally gives in and gives me a piece of a sucker...it is NOT what I want, I want the whole sucker, but I will settle for the little piece, because that little piece will have to suffice for the next month...so I guess, my temper tantrums are the only way to get attention and to be finally "listened too"....I hate that.

So I am ready for the dismissal of my needs, until I can stand it no longer and I "break down and scream"....so tired of doing that...

I got a picture from John last night.  Today is my dads 82 birthday.  Yesterday the entire family threw him a birthday party.  But did they call me, to facetime, and talk to my dad to wish him a happy birthday?  to talk to my grandsons who were all there, my kids who were all there?  They are rarely all together and it would have been so fucking good for me to talk with all of them together, but I was left out of the loop....AGAIN

Not one family member even thought about me, maybe mom would like to facetime with dad or the grandsons...everyone has fucking smart phones, but no one even gave me the time of day or even cared that I would want to say hi....

John sent me a picture after the fact.....too late to say hello...more of a kick in the gut...look ...we had a party for your dad and YOU WEREN'T THERE, hahahahaha

again,  I got the broken piece of the sucker....a little picture....I should be grateful for the little morsel John sent me....FUCK HIM

I am so goddamn tired of being a second class family member, a second class citizen, a second class human.   I wish I had never gotten the fucking pictures from John, they have only served him...he was rubbing my face in shit...look at John and the kids having a fun time celebrating my dad...look at everyone together and smiling...look what you are missing....the pictures just rub my face raw with the fact that "I left"....so now I have to shit and eat my shit too.....sucks for me.

The fact that I was once again, ignored by my family reinforces my decision to not send Christmas gifts or cards to anyone....why should I?  I certainly won't get anything from them, maybe a "Merry Christmas" text message...wow, how personal.  fuck them...fuck everyone

S

sophee