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 So I finally got in to see my chiropractor...my sciatica nerve is so bad, it has traveled up into my neck area as well.  I see him again tomorrow, then three times next week.  He seems to think he can get me all back to normal by thanksgiving....I HOPE SO

Dealing with chronic head pain is one thing, but add lower back and neck pain and I feel like one big fucking soreness....ahhhhhhhh

I am trying really hard to get out of my depression funk....I pretty much know that I should be on some type of anti-depressant...but  I have been on three or four different types and all of them make me like a ZOMBIE...I don't feel depressed as I don't feel anything...I need to feel emotions, not block them out.

I am really gun shy right now about voicing my opinion about anything...Being shot down as wrong or misinformed or not understanding something that is right in front of my eyes is embarrassing and makes me feel like a fool...stupid.

I have zero confidence in myself....zero...

I have also had a "light bulb" moment.  All my life I have always been told how beautiful I was....even today, I get "you are so beautiful" all the fucking time...I have always blown that off, because I do not want to be perceived as conceited...

Yesterday, as I was putting on my make up and looking at my face in the mirror, the "light bulb" blasted on.....I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER.

We have the same body style, short and petite, we are both slim, we have the exact same bone structure in our face...in fact, the older I get the more I look like my mothers twin.....the only difference is that I have brown eyes and she has blue.

Now, I feel uglier than ever...I do not want to look like my mother, I can't stand her, she is a monster, but I look just like that monster...it makes me ugly...

And to make matters worse, my mothers birthday is next week...now I have to struggle with finding a card for her, a card that is very generic and NOT sentimental...sending her a card is socially acceptable...if I do not acknowledge her birthday, then the family will wonder why.....so, I have to play the doting daughter game to a woman I can't stand, a woman I have so much bitterness towards, an abusive mother, and one I look so much like....its agonizing, I feel like such a fucking hypocrite sending her a card.  Kevin said he would go and get the card and mail it to her...so I won't have too....I am conflicted about that offer too....

I do not want to look like my mother...everytime I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I am seeing my mother, not Sparrow....and that is more distressing to me than anything else in the world.  I don't even smile showing my teeth, because my teeth are crooked in the exact same way as my mothers!!!!!! EVEN MY FUCKING TEETH...

Why did I have take after her in genetics??? Another cruel joke from the non-existent god?  My daughter looks nothing like me, she is all Krupovage, so is cory...so why do I have to be all fucking Dutton???  I do not even look like my kids real mom, I might as well of been a surrogate...we don't even remotely look alike...the only feature we have in comon is brown eyes, as their father has green....Kingston got his papa's green eyes...again, a Krupovage....I am nothing.

I am my mothers daughter...that is all I am....a fucking walking mirror image of my horrible mother....I wish I had the money to change my entire face.....I would too.

So, please don't call me beautiful...it only reminds me of the beauty I might have is because of my mother....and that makes me sick to my stomach.

S