Karma

 I am so fucking tired of this sciatica pain...I go to the chiropractor and after an adjustment I feel pretty good, but 2 hours later the pain comes roaring back....

I can't hardly drive,  sleeping is damn near impossible, nothing gives me relief.

It is fucking bad enough I have chronic head pain, now this?  Is this going to be the new added chronic pain I am now going to have to just live with?  If so, fuck that shit.  I will not live the next 10-20 yrs I might have left dealing with this shit...this is not a life, not a life at all.

All this goddamn pain, makes me so frustrated, so angry, so  defeated, so helpless, I HATE IT.  

I cannot be a good partner, I cannot be any fun, I cannot even fucking do anything without this goddamn pain...even walking hurts....

I feel bad for Kevin...all I do is whine about this fucking pain,  he works all goddamn day long, on his feet all day, then has to come over here and do even the most mundane of tasks for me...like cleaning out the pigs pen,  moving things, whatever, he has even been taking Boomer to the park for me, because I am a goddamn useless bag of pain and agony.

Kevin is not my husband, he is not required to wait on me...he has his own place.  Even yesterday, because of me, he could not watch his thanksgiving day football game while setting up his DC christmas tree.  It has always been his tradition to start working on his tree during the game on thanksgiving.   But not yesterday,  because of pathetic me, he didn't get to do that.....I told him to go on home so he could, but he stayed with me...that makes me feel guilty as hell.

I can't even go to his place, because of the three flights of stairs, they kill my back.  Even walking up my two story stair case, sends spasms of pain un and down my back...so I am a prisoner....today is grocery store day, well fuck that, try pushing around a heavy shopping cart, loading groceries into a car then hauling them up 2 flights of stairs????????? NO WAY I CAN DO THAT.  

And being alone, is not helping.  I have no one here to help me during the day, so I have to do some things I should not be doing, but I have to do....and that may be a real issue as to why I cannot seem to get over this fucking back pain...

Even my alters feel this pain, and they don't understand...Ally cries because of the pain, 7 feels the pain....I am sure the rest, except Lilly and Sophee, feel every bit of this pain too....I am punishing them with pain....what a great life.

I guess this is just Karma.  Karma for a life that is worthless.

S