helpless wonder...

 Yesterday was a horrible day for me...I vented in rage over my being so stupid.  Usually after a day or so, I feel better and I regret my previous posts.

But this morning, yet another fucking disaster as I was trying to renew my MM card.  I got it all done, I thought, then lost it because I am too fucking ignorant and stupid to do any type of online shit.   

Its so frustrating...no matter how grown up I try to be, no matter how much I try and take care of my own stuff, I fall flat on my fucking face.  EVERY DAMN TIME.

I do not want to ask Kevin to do the application for me, goddamn it, I should be able to do that shit myself.   

But because I am a stupid idiot, I am going to have to go crawling to Kevin for him to fix my fuck ups....I hate that.  I hate being so fucking goddamn dependent on someone to do shit for me...

I am a helpless wonder.  That is what John use to say to me all the fucking time "you are a helpless wonder"...HE IS RIGHT.....HE IS SO FUCKING RIGHT. JUST LIKE KEVIN, ALWAYS GODDAMN RIGHT AND I AM ALWAYS GODDAMN WRONG.

How can I always be so wrong?  What is wrong with me?  Am I really that inept?

What the fuck was I thinking even leaving Oklahoma?  I thought I could be independent, I wanted so much to live on my own, to prove to the world I am NOT a Helpless wonder....but, I failed.  I cannot live alone, I cannot be independent, because I am a brain retard.   Even though I live by myself, Kevin is the one keeping me afloat....if it wasn't for him, I would crash and burn....again, Kevin has to help the "helpless wonder"....

I should just go crawling back to Oklahoma.   I should just go crawling back to my estranged husband, who is still legally my husband.  His prayers are being answered.....I am sure he is praying for me to fail so I will have to go back to him.

I am failing....I am failing at being an independent woman...I am failing at trying to have a new life.   I AM FAILING AT EVERYTHING I TRY TO DO AS SPARROW.

Tessa wants to go back to Oklahoma and the life she had there, I can feel that want deep inside my soul.   Is Tessa the real personality?  Is Sparrow just another fragment in my head that thinks they are in control?  I am beginning to believe that Tessa is actually the host, and Sparrow is trying to keep her down and away...Tessa loves John, she loved the home in Oklahoma, she loved the lifestyle she had there, then Sparrow ruined all that for her....

Maybe its Tessa working in my brain, making me stupid, me Sparrow, stupid...by doing that, she is slowly hacking away at my "new" life.   A life I am sure she hates, as much as I, Sparrow, hated Oklahoma.

I am so lost....there is a tug of war going on in my brain that I cannot control...a war I feel I am losing....

I will never be anything,  I will always just be Johns wife.  I have no identity and for me to be in Virginia, trying to be my authentic self, is nothing but a sham.  I do not even know what is an "authentic" self.   

Sparrow does not want to go back to Oklahoma, Sparrow hates John, but Tessa loves him.  Tessa is christian, Tessa was the wife and mother and all that in Oklahoma...she HAD A LIFE.  Here in VA, Tessa does not have a life.  I do not allow her to go to church, I do not have a job, or hobby or fucking anything here for her, nothing....and she knows that, and I feel her fucking with my heart and mind...it adds to the confusion and frustration.

I have also realized that I will never live in peace.  My alters and I will never be happy...we will always be in conflict with each other....We will never be able to co-exist together in unison and harmony.   

I wish I knew what to do.....I am so conflicted, I am literally being ripped apart inside and no matter how much I deny Tessa, she just gets stronger and more determined...Tessa wants her life back.

What should I do????????????? If I keep fighting her,  it will kill me....maybe dying will finally put my mind to rest.  If I can't be here in VA and be happy and content, and Tessa can't be happy here, and I won't go back to Oklahoma, and Tessa wants too...I will not be able to endure this mental battle for much longer...it is eating away at my soul.   

I want to die, and put an end to this mental nightmare I am fighting with, DID is that nightmare...

Sparrow, the insignificant alter.....

S