a war of triggers

 Like everyone else in America and around the world, we are inundated with scenes of war...Ukraine, Isreal, Gaza, and elsewhere.   It is impossible to turn on the tv or your smart phone and not have "bloody, horrible, images" displayed before us....

I realize the media does this for sensationalism and to give the world a peak into reality....most people watch these, and tsk tsk it away....they are muslims, they are jews, they are whatever.....it doesn't affect me in my life, its sad, but not detrimental to my life.....

I beg to differ.   So many people have PTSD and other mental conditions as a direct result of violence, trauma and abuse...war...soldiers, and non soldiers alike.  The media is doing a disservice to these people.   Scenes of war, graphic images of children and people being murdered, blood and bombs....these are triggers.

I, like everyone else, has been following the saga of the hostages and the war in Israel.   

The little girl, the 4 yr old, that is a dual citizen,  has upset me the most.   I have been so upset about her being kidnapped....when she was released, I burst into tears....tears of happiness and tears of profound sadness....why?

Last night, I started having nightmares.   The kind that when you wake up and try and go back to sleep, the same nightmare continues...

In my dream, I am an adult, and outside with other people.  I looked down the street and saw the "terrorist" coming....I ran into a house, and climbed up into an attic, trying to hide.   In the attic, I was a little girl.  A small child, terrified for my life.   My little brain was telling me "be quiet, don't move, don't let them find you"...stark terror would wake me up....

This morning, trying to process this dream, I realized that that little girl, the pictures of her, she has brown eyes and reddish curly hair.   When I was that small, I also had reddish curly hair and brown eyes.....in my dream, I am that little girl.

I spent so much of my childhood running away and trying to hide, only to be found and brutalized...My heart aches for her.  Her parents were murdered, she was kidnapped, she saw death and destruction and evil, she is only 4.....

Yes, she has surviving siblings and is with her aunt.  Yes she is safe now, physically safe, but mentally, she will need help desperately....all the children will.  Children are not resilient, they just cope with trauma differently than adults, they don't understand, their brains cannot even register the amount of carnage they are witnessing...so they put it away....this is DID.   

She will seem normal,  her life will go on, but what about her mind, her sense of security?  If she does not get the immediate and ongoing therapy over this horrible event, it will stay festering in the back of her mind,  and it will effect the rest of her life....it is too late for me to get the therapy I needed as a child in order to heal and not split.  It is not too late for her, but it needs to start now!  Not when she is older and freaking out from triggers she is not even aware of....

I am so happy and relieved that she is safe with the rest of her extended family, but at the same time, I am profoundly sad.  Her life changed forever, forever, she will never be the same...she will never feel safe and secure the way she did before all the carnage began.   And this breaks, no shatters my heart into a million little pieces....

S, Tessa

Karma

 I am so fucking tired of this sciatica pain...I go to the chiropractor and after an adjustment I feel pretty good, but 2 hours later the pain comes roaring back....

I can't hardly drive,  sleeping is damn near impossible, nothing gives me relief.

It is fucking bad enough I have chronic head pain, now this?  Is this going to be the new added chronic pain I am now going to have to just live with?  If so, fuck that shit.  I will not live the next 10-20 yrs I might have left dealing with this shit...this is not a life, not a life at all.

All this goddamn pain, makes me so frustrated, so angry, so  defeated, so helpless, I HATE IT.  

I cannot be a good partner, I cannot be any fun, I cannot even fucking do anything without this goddamn pain...even walking hurts....

I feel bad for Kevin...all I do is whine about this fucking pain,  he works all goddamn day long, on his feet all day, then has to come over here and do even the most mundane of tasks for me...like cleaning out the pigs pen,  moving things, whatever, he has even been taking Boomer to the park for me, because I am a goddamn useless bag of pain and agony.

Kevin is not my husband, he is not required to wait on me...he has his own place.  Even yesterday, because of me, he could not watch his thanksgiving day football game while setting up his DC christmas tree.  It has always been his tradition to start working on his tree during the game on thanksgiving.   But not yesterday,  because of pathetic me, he didn't get to do that.....I told him to go on home so he could, but he stayed with me...that makes me feel guilty as hell.

I can't even go to his place, because of the three flights of stairs, they kill my back.  Even walking up my two story stair case, sends spasms of pain un and down my back...so I am a prisoner....today is grocery store day, well fuck that, try pushing around a heavy shopping cart, loading groceries into a car then hauling them up 2 flights of stairs????????? NO WAY I CAN DO THAT.  

And being alone, is not helping.  I have no one here to help me during the day, so I have to do some things I should not be doing, but I have to do....and that may be a real issue as to why I cannot seem to get over this fucking back pain...

Even my alters feel this pain, and they don't understand...Ally cries because of the pain, 7 feels the pain....I am sure the rest, except Lilly and Sophee, feel every bit of this pain too....I am punishing them with pain....what a great life.

I guess this is just Karma.  Karma for a life that is worthless.

S

mirror image

 So I finally got in to see my chiropractor...my sciatica nerve is so bad, it has traveled up into my neck area as well.  I see him again tomorrow, then three times next week.  He seems to think he can get me all back to normal by thanksgiving....I HOPE SO

Dealing with chronic head pain is one thing, but add lower back and neck pain and I feel like one big fucking soreness....ahhhhhhhh

I am trying really hard to get out of my depression funk....I pretty much know that I should be on some type of anti-depressant...but  I have been on three or four different types and all of them make me like a ZOMBIE...I don't feel depressed as I don't feel anything...I need to feel emotions, not block them out.

I am really gun shy right now about voicing my opinion about anything...Being shot down as wrong or misinformed or not understanding something that is right in front of my eyes is embarrassing and makes me feel like a fool...stupid.

I have zero confidence in myself....zero...

I have also had a "light bulb" moment.  All my life I have always been told how beautiful I was....even today, I get "you are so beautiful" all the fucking time...I have always blown that off, because I do not want to be perceived as conceited...

Yesterday, as I was putting on my make up and looking at my face in the mirror, the "light bulb" blasted on.....I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER.

We have the same body style, short and petite, we are both slim, we have the exact same bone structure in our face...in fact, the older I get the more I look like my mothers twin.....the only difference is that I have brown eyes and she has blue.

Now, I feel uglier than ever...I do not want to look like my mother, I can't stand her, she is a monster, but I look just like that monster...it makes me ugly...

And to make matters worse, my mothers birthday is next week...now I have to struggle with finding a card for her, a card that is very generic and NOT sentimental...sending her a card is socially acceptable...if I do not acknowledge her birthday, then the family will wonder why.....so, I have to play the doting daughter game to a woman I can't stand, a woman I have so much bitterness towards, an abusive mother, and one I look so much like....its agonizing, I feel like such a fucking hypocrite sending her a card.  Kevin said he would go and get the card and mail it to her...so I won't have too....I am conflicted about that offer too....

I do not want to look like my mother...everytime I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I am seeing my mother, not Sparrow....and that is more distressing to me than anything else in the world.  I don't even smile showing my teeth, because my teeth are crooked in the exact same way as my mothers!!!!!! EVEN MY FUCKING TEETH...

Why did I have take after her in genetics??? Another cruel joke from the non-existent god?  My daughter looks nothing like me, she is all Krupovage, so is cory...so why do I have to be all fucking Dutton???  I do not even look like my kids real mom, I might as well of been a surrogate...we don't even remotely look alike...the only feature we have in comon is brown eyes, as their father has green....Kingston got his papa's green eyes...again, a Krupovage....I am nothing.

I am my mothers daughter...that is all I am....a fucking walking mirror image of my horrible mother....I wish I had the money to change my entire face.....I would too.

So, please don't call me beautiful...it only reminds me of the beauty I might have is because of my mother....and that makes me sick to my stomach.

S

helpless wonder...

 Yesterday was a horrible day for me...I vented in rage over my being so stupid.  Usually after a day or so, I feel better and I regret my previous posts.

But this morning, yet another fucking disaster as I was trying to renew my MM card.  I got it all done, I thought, then lost it because I am too fucking ignorant and stupid to do any type of online shit.   

Its so frustrating...no matter how grown up I try to be, no matter how much I try and take care of my own stuff, I fall flat on my fucking face.  EVERY DAMN TIME.

I do not want to ask Kevin to do the application for me, goddamn it, I should be able to do that shit myself.   

But because I am a stupid idiot, I am going to have to go crawling to Kevin for him to fix my fuck ups....I hate that.  I hate being so fucking goddamn dependent on someone to do shit for me...

I am a helpless wonder.  That is what John use to say to me all the fucking time "you are a helpless wonder"...HE IS RIGHT.....HE IS SO FUCKING RIGHT. JUST LIKE KEVIN, ALWAYS GODDAMN RIGHT AND I AM ALWAYS GODDAMN WRONG.

How can I always be so wrong?  What is wrong with me?  Am I really that inept?

What the fuck was I thinking even leaving Oklahoma?  I thought I could be independent, I wanted so much to live on my own, to prove to the world I am NOT a Helpless wonder....but, I failed.  I cannot live alone, I cannot be independent, because I am a brain retard.   Even though I live by myself, Kevin is the one keeping me afloat....if it wasn't for him, I would crash and burn....again, Kevin has to help the "helpless wonder"....

I should just go crawling back to Oklahoma.   I should just go crawling back to my estranged husband, who is still legally my husband.  His prayers are being answered.....I am sure he is praying for me to fail so I will have to go back to him.

I am failing....I am failing at being an independent woman...I am failing at trying to have a new life.   I AM FAILING AT EVERYTHING I TRY TO DO AS SPARROW.

Tessa wants to go back to Oklahoma and the life she had there, I can feel that want deep inside my soul.   Is Tessa the real personality?  Is Sparrow just another fragment in my head that thinks they are in control?  I am beginning to believe that Tessa is actually the host, and Sparrow is trying to keep her down and away...Tessa loves John, she loved the home in Oklahoma, she loved the lifestyle she had there, then Sparrow ruined all that for her....

Maybe its Tessa working in my brain, making me stupid, me Sparrow, stupid...by doing that, she is slowly hacking away at my "new" life.   A life I am sure she hates, as much as I, Sparrow, hated Oklahoma.

I am so lost....there is a tug of war going on in my brain that I cannot control...a war I feel I am losing....

I will never be anything,  I will always just be Johns wife.  I have no identity and for me to be in Virginia, trying to be my authentic self, is nothing but a sham.  I do not even know what is an "authentic" self.   

Sparrow does not want to go back to Oklahoma, Sparrow hates John, but Tessa loves him.  Tessa is christian, Tessa was the wife and mother and all that in Oklahoma...she HAD A LIFE.  Here in VA, Tessa does not have a life.  I do not allow her to go to church, I do not have a job, or hobby or fucking anything here for her, nothing....and she knows that, and I feel her fucking with my heart and mind...it adds to the confusion and frustration.

I have also realized that I will never live in peace.  My alters and I will never be happy...we will always be in conflict with each other....We will never be able to co-exist together in unison and harmony.   

I wish I knew what to do.....I am so conflicted, I am literally being ripped apart inside and no matter how much I deny Tessa, she just gets stronger and more determined...Tessa wants her life back.

What should I do????????????? If I keep fighting her,  it will kill me....maybe dying will finally put my mind to rest.  If I can't be here in VA and be happy and content, and Tessa can't be happy here, and I won't go back to Oklahoma, and Tessa wants too...I will not be able to endure this mental battle for much longer...it is eating away at my soul.   

I want to die, and put an end to this mental nightmare I am fighting with, DID is that nightmare...

Sparrow, the insignificant alter.....

S

Dumb Blonde Memes

 Most people who are literally stupid, don't know they are stupid, because they are too stupid to realize "they are stupid"....think Maga republicans....

Then there are people like me.   Who did well in school, scored high on an IQ test, but still remained stupid.

Why?  because of DID.  Each alter has their own memories and when they are fronting, I am "asleep", so I have no fucking ideal what they said or learned or whatever...  Then I "wake up", go about my day, only to find out I don't know something, that I should know....the alter knows, but I don't...so that makes me so fucking stupid.

I will think things in my head, and I will feel so certain that I know what I am talking about, then come to find out, I don't know jack shit.   Kevin has to constantly be patient with me, he has to talk to me like a student in school, some little kid, and he is teaching me....

Its humiliating....I am a fucking 61 yr old woman who has the mentality and the ability to NOT understand even the simplest of things, like a fucking retard.

I misunderstand everything.   I bought a dog tracker, but instead of putting it on Boomer, I am hiding it in my jeep...that way if it is stolen, the tracker is there...so Kevin was trying to tell me that any Samsung phone will be able to "ping" the jeep...I could not understand, why only my phone will give the location, but everybody elses phone will not....I could not fucking understand how that works...

I mean FUCK ITS A SIMPLE DOG TAG LOCATOR...ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.  

I cannot believe how fucking stupid and ignorant I am....I am literally the dumb blonde.   I am the cliche for "dumb blonde jokes".

I simply do not understand why Kevin wants to be with me....I am so stupid that I cannot even carry on an intelligent conversation with him.   He is constantly teaching and explaining shit to me, I mean everything.  He is always right, and that is so fucking embarrassing and frustrating to me....because his rightness,  flies in the face of my stupidity.

He has got to be embarrassed to take me anywhere, especially around his co-workers....because I am nothing but his dumb blonde sidekick.  Him being with me, makes him even appear more smart and intelligent.  I am eye candy, and thats it.

Every time, I think in my lame head, something is right, and I try and explain to Kevin why I think this...he patiently lets me prattle on, then like a dad talking to a small child, he has to patiently tell me the correct thing.  When I finally get it into my useless stupid head, he is right, then it makes me feel even more stupid and it makes me so fucking angry with myself....its humiliating for me.  So humiliating in fact that I don't even want to be around him.  I am just too stupid to be a partner with anyone.

Kevin deserves to be with a woman that is his equal.  Someone he does not have to explain every little thing too...how frustrating it must be for him too....I am nothing but a child, a child brain.

So, I will no longer say anything, but "Kevin, you are right."  I will just be the little quiet mouse.  I will not voice my opinion, what I think or whatever, because I am constantly corrected....and I am always always always wrong.

EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH OR MY HEAD IS NOTHING BUT STUPIDITY AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL.

Having DID is the highest level of stupidity known to man.  Why? because a head full of conflicting thoughts, conflicting intelligence, conflicting maturity levels all of that leaves me, Sparrow, the stupid one.   

What a fucking waste I am.  I cannot do anything right or correct, I cannot understand even the simplest of stuff...There is not a goddamn thing that I know, that Kevin doesn't know better.  There is not a goddamn thing I can do, that Kevin cannot do better.  OMG....its so fucking humiliating for me....I feel like a stupid fucking retarded woman....DID has made me a fucking retard.

Thank you MOM.  Mom you were right, I am stupid....I will be a stupid person until the day I die....John, you were right, I am stupid....Everybody...ya are right, I am stupid.  Even though Kevin has never called me stupid, I know for a fact that he thinks that at times in his head.."how can she be so stupid?"  "Why can't she understand what I am trying to explain to her?"   

I am no longer going to ask questions, I am no longer going to say anything about anything...I am just going to be silent and trust that Kevin will take care of any circumstance, any mechanical, or computer or fucking anything for that matter because he is smart enough to know what is best and what is right or correct.

I am nothing but a mental disaster.  An intellectual disaster.  I am the epitome of DUMB FUCKING BLONDE.

Congratulations...I am that dumb blonde meme.

Hi I am Sparrow, nice to meet you...lets be friends, only remember I will be the stupid friend..so you have to be able to accept that.  I will be the friend to make you look better...yay me.   Everyone needs a dumbass like me in their life...I make them look smart in comparison.

FUCK I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE MYSELF.

s, 7, SOPHEE

Names

 So yesterday a thought came to me.

Why did my mother take 3 days to name me....

She once told me that if she could have gotten an abortion (while pregnant with me) she would have.  Instead she fled VA and went to Clovis NM to give birth to me.  My father was in VA...as was her new lover, (my future step monster dad).

Did she have the intention of giving me up for adoption then?  I mean when a parent becomes pregnant, she or they start thinking of names for a boy or a girl...at least I did each time I was pregnant....but not my mom.  

She did not have a name for me, whether a boy or a girl...why??

I guess the matter of adoption, was scrapped and at the 11th hour, she had to find a name for me, since she was keeping me...so she flipped through a magazine by her hospital bedside, saw the name Melissa Lou..and went with that.  No thought what so ever about the name that would be me for my life....

If she decided to keep me, then why?  What changed her mind?  Her sister in Clovis?  My bio father in VA?  this is a question that I will never get answered.  Its just another big ??? for me to have to live with.

These are all the names I have bone by since birth:

Melissa Lou Trammell

Melissa Lou Rundberg (Missy)

Melissa Anne Troutman (Missy)

Melissa Anne Krupovage

Sparrow Krupovage.....

Sparrow.

I don't want to be known as a Krupovage, I kept that name because of my kids and grandsons...I am still a part of them...but today I prefer to just be called "Sparrow".

I changed my name to a name I love, that identifies who I am...I am a little bird, flying from the nest to be free...Fly fly away...SPARROW.

Out of all the names I have ever had, Sparrow is who I am.  Who I was meant to be...

S