Scrapped

 I am so tired of trying to be "normal".  I will never be normal, have a normal brain, and I cannot accept that, I hate it.

We are trying to do another video about exactly "how DID is developed as a child...there are no rule books or manuals, so a child has to depend on the only thing around them that gives them comfort, support or security.  For me, at first it was my Chrissy doll, then later when a different type of abuse presented, it was Sophee (who reflects a strong woman that was a neighbor to me as a child), then Sammy, who does not talk, why?  because a hand was held over my mouth, Sammy was a cat, that was murdered by that beast, but Sammy was the type of cat that was very quiet, that is why Sammy picked the name Sammy....All my alters were born for specific reasons to perform specific tasks etc...

In listening to the script, I felt like the script was leading...in that after the first alter is created by the child, then the child actively and knowingly (meaning they consciously know what they are doing) forms more alters...BUT THIS IS NOT TRUE.  A child has no understanding, no knowledge of science or the brain, there are no books that they can read or television they can watch to teach them how to do DID...a child does not consciously develop DID.  It is NOT A LEARNED BEHAVIOR. IT IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM OF A BRAIN. A child has no knowledge of anything except the abuse or acute trauma they are enduring and they are instinctively applying "survival of the fittest"...its an organic internal human instinct, to survive.   

My advocate constantly says "he is amazed at my DID", "he refers to my alters as 'superhero's"... he almost brags about my DID...or at least that is how my altered mind sees it.

I am ashamed of having DID.  It is a nightmare,  I am ashamed of the decisions and the way my life has turned out, my DID, maybe in the beginning was a good thing, I survived my childhood...but it doesn't go away, once you are safe...it is there forever!  It ruins your life as you don't know what the fuck is going on inside, so you seek mental health professionals who just push drugs on you...if you are numb then you are better....DID ruins any type of relationship, as your partner only sees "erratic and unexplainable actions, words, behaviors or lack of behaviors".  Your friends and co-workers see you as a "liar"..."you were at the meeting, so you know what was said and done, stop lieing"...when in fact another alter was attending the meeting and since I am fucking "asleep" when they front, I have no goddamn ideal...so I am perceived as a liar and a faker.  I will tell people I don't smoke, yet they see "me" smoking...I tell people I hate seafood, yet they see "me" eating catfish.....WHAT A FUCKING PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND HYPOCRITE that is what they think....

So any relationship, is a set up for disaster.   DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAL HOW THIS AFFECTS ME, SPARROW??? no wonder I am depressed and suicidal so much of the time,  if you are confused by my actions, imagine how I must feel?

Apologies and I am sorry, has become my mantra. 

I want the world to understand the nature of DID,,,but I do not want to be the poster child...I am not the face of DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were millions if not billions of others before me with this condition or disorder...

I sincerely wish that that beast would have just killed me when I was a child....but he did worse than that...he did not kill me...he planted a fucking disorder in my brain to cause me to suffer for the rest of my life...suffer in silence.  HE WON.  HE HAD THE VICTORY....

I AM THE LOSER IN LIFE...YES I STILL HAVE A HEARTBEAT...BUT I AM TRULY DEAD INSIDE.

MY ALTERS ARE FUCKING NOT SUPERHERO'S...developing DID is cowardly...ALTERS ARE A DEFORMITY IN MY BRAIN THAT CANNOT BE FIXED BY MEDICATIONS OR SURGERY.  

I AM A BRAIN RETARD, THANK YOU MOM, THE BEAST AND EVERY OTHER ABUSER IN MY LIFE.

You reached your goal...you destroyed me, but yet you got to live your life as a normal person...you got to live.  I HAVE BEEN DEAD SINCE BEFORE THE AGE OF 4, my body just hasn't got the message yet.

I have an internal deformity that would be hideous to look at if it was a visible deformity, it would repulse others....

How in the fuck is that a good thing?  How in the fuck is that a "superhero"?...people who go on social media acting like their DID is fun and great are nothing but "fakers and liars"....NO ONE WITH LEGITIMATE DID WOULD EVER DO THAT, NO ONE.  

We suffer in silence.  I wish I had cancer or some other disease...that is socially acceptable...DID is not.   I try so fucking hard to have a normal life, but everything I do or say only deflects from the misery of my brain....I mask everything...because I am so goddamn ashamed of this disorder.  Its humiliating and disgusting.

I am ashamed of my alters, each and every goddamn one of them, because they are NOT REAL...JUST FIGMENTS OF MY PATHETIC DEFORMED BRAIN.  FIGMENTS.:.PIECES OF PERSONALITIES AND TRAITS i FOUND AS A CHILD, COMFORTING....which are now cruel and useless to me....

I do not want them, I never invited them to live in my brain consciously,  and no matter how much I scream for them to move out, to go away...they refuse.  Just like all the people out there who refuse to believe in DID...talk about a war!  

my husband once told me that I was a "helpless wonder"...and he is 100 percent correct.  I am a helpless wonder,  helpless in everything...a piece of shit.

So the video we were gonna do, is now scrapped....just like my entire life, scrapped and left behind.

I WILL NEVER ACCEPT DID...I WILL NEVER LEARN TO LOVE MY ALTERS, I WILL NEVER LOVE OR EVEN LIKE MYSELF...I AM FOREVER AN UGLY PIECE OF FEMALE HUMAN FLESH, INSIDE AND OUT.

hate is a very strong word...but it fits me perfectly.  i am hate, personified...

There is no victory for me in this fight with DID...DID is the terrorist of the mind, and I will never ever win...NEVER