loud and clear

 This new memory I have had, is kicking my ass...I cannot even begin to share this memory here, it is too fucking horrific....too much for me to try and make peace with.

I am struggling now to figure out where I go from here..I am reminded to not think on the memory as an adult looking back, but to think of the memory as the young child..the childs mind.   I cannot put myself in that childs mind.

It is impossible for me to accept this memory...it makes me mad, angry, confused and feeling like shit on the bottom of a shoe.  I don't want to be touched,  I don't want to feel anything, especially anything that has to do with my body....

No matter how hard I scrub my body in the shower, I will never be clean again.  

I owe amends to people, but how do I do that?   Where do I start?

I am relieved when I am alone.   Solitary confinement has become my friend.

I feel like a robot, going through the motions of everyday life, but yet reeling from past memories....I know I need therapy...but there are no doctors here, no one to really help me, and no money to pay for it....so I am stuck in my mind...stuck....no recovery for me.

I feel bad for my advocate...I am shutting him out, smiling and laughing around him, when actually my head is crying....He does not deserve my shit, my past or my love...he deserves more...more than I can give.   This last memory has fucking broken something deep inside me....

Why did I have to remember?  I am so mad at whichever Alter gave me that memory...I think it was Sammy...and for an alter that does not speak, she fucking screamed that memory into my head....loud and clear.

S