lost

  I am so upset with my X.  I do not know where to place the hate I feel for him.....

I do not even know how to process his betrayed of me and a trust I placed in him.

For a so called "man of god" he has shown his true colors.  He is a liar and a gossip.  He is self centered and a narcissist.  He truly believes that by breaking my confidence he was doing me a favor....the favor being, then his "friends" could fucking pray for me.....Christians are nothing but hypocrites.

I have no ideal who he has told about my DID,  I have no ideal how he told them, what he exactly told them....I feel like he raped me.  And he did, he raped my trust, he raped my voice, he raped my spirit.  John is a rapist.

John also told me that our daughter was "suicidal"...I have been there, am there so much of the time...I know that feeling of "just wanting it to be over"...so I reached out to my daughter, I did not mention to her what her dad told me.  All I did was send a text asking her if I could fly her down for a weekend so we could visit.  I want to tell her about my DID,  I want to explain to her about my being hospitalized for suicidal tendencies.   I know she is super stressed about her job, I know that she is lonely....

I offered to also pay her rent along with the plane ticket, so she would not have to worry about finances....I sent her this text....after 5 days, I had not heard anything from her...so I sent her another text and I asked her why she is "ghosting" me?  She finally answered with "I cannot leave right this minute...and followed that with, why don't you fly down here, its easier for you..."  and she said absolutely nothing about me wanting to talk to her about some of my issues....

She has disappointed me in a way that is so like her father...its always about them, i am nothing to them....not worth the effort...John says that he does not remember telling the kids about my DID....well with Taryns response, I believe he did tell her.  She wants nothing to do with me....she is as selfish and self-absorbed as her father.

No one in my family wants to have to listen to me, no one wants to understand the horrors I have been through...no one wants to understand "why" I had to leave...no one cares.

I thought my daughter cared for me....I WAS SO WRONG.  I thought John loved me, he tells me he does, I thought he would honor my wishes, I thought he would be a straight up man....I WAS WRONG.

I am always wrong.   Now knowing that my kids don't want anything to do with me, has left me with a hole in my heart so big....simply put, when I left their dad, they left me.   

I am devastated....my life is ruined....I have ruined everything by leaving perfect John and moving away...I am nothing more than a terrorist in my kids and families eyes....even my cousins do not contact me, none of my three brothers have ever called me....my sister is shit....I am always the one calling, texting, trying to stay in contact with my family....but it is one sided, and I am done.

I am an orphan.  I am a widow, I am childless,  I am homeless, my spirit is gone,  I am only a shell of a person...I have a heart that is too stupid to quit pumping...

I am beyond grief....I AM NOTHING,NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON BUT A FUCKING DID FREAK.

I have literally done nothing to deserve this type of treatment.  The only thing I have done wrong, was simply being born.  I wish I had never been born....I hate myself, I hate DID...I hate everything, even my advocate...I cannot afford to love anybody.....so I have to learn to hate.   Do not get close to me...keep me at arms reach...if you get too close then I will have to hate you.

Because if I don't hate you and push you away...YOU WILL LEAVE ME.

so lost, so fucking lost....

S

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