neighbor shit

 So awhile back, (about 3 months ago, a neighbor attacked me verbally for leaving a note on his sons truck, 5 yrs ago, asking him to please not park so close to the mailboxes.  This was 5 yrs ago...

the man accused me of having late night wild loud parties, of stalking his house, which I have to drive by everyday to get to my place...he says I drive by real slow and take pictures of his home....the fuck???

Well, that same butt fuck, attacked me and Kevin again...this time, they accused Kevin of taking pictures of their house....Kevin took a picture of a package that was left sitting on top of the mailbox, instead of being delivered to my apartment...in the picture the mans house is not even in it....but the son, saw Kevin, ran to his daddy, and daddy, puffed out his chest and came after Kevin, and me....

Kevin told the man, that he was the stalker, not me!  They had it out in the street, and the cops came....

I do not understand why this man has such a hard on for me....I feel like him and his sons are stalking me!!! Kevin told that man that I am a 61 year old woman, and he is bullying an old woman...that stopped that man in his tracks, apparently he thought I was some young girl...fuck that shit.

I can't even walk to my mailbox without his son or sons watching me and they film me on their phones....I HAVE NEVER STEPPED FOOT ON THEIR PROPERTY, I HAVE NEVER COMMENTED ON THEIR LAWN, OR ANY OTHER THING...but this man accused me of all those things....this man is delusional and I am starting to fear for my life.....I have never been so falsely accused and stalked like this in my entire life...It is very scary....this is the type of fat white fuck entitled moron who could easily get a gun and start shooting, because of his anger and perceived notions of me...

I called my landlord while the altercation with Kevin and that fat fuck was going on,, my landlord called 911....but by the time 911 got there,  the man was gone.  Kevin talked with the police officer, told him what was going on, and the police officer, sided with us...

This whole thing started because of the note I left 5 yrs ago....that man has not been able to let that go, and has convinced himself that I am the problem....I am evil and I am wrong.  THE FUCK???

To say I am not fearful of this man, his family, and his comment's about me, would be a lie....I am very afraid of this man...

When Kevin is not here, I feel vulnerable to attacks, I do not feel safe....I feel I need to start carrying my gun, because of this asshole...he has made me a prisoner in my apartment.....

S, 7

My heaven

 I have been trying to keep myself busy, busy enough to not sit and think about all the shit lately.  My grandson Kingston turned 13 years of age.  He is growing up so fast, but as happy as I am about his birthdays, they also make me think of Gagey, he would have also been turning 13 two weeks after Kingston.  It makes me so sad to think that his life was cut off by brain cancer 5 years ago...seems like yesterday.

sigh.....

Had some fun hitting the trails with a jeep group.

Then took Boomer to the cove the next day....and while Boomer was playing, I made rock castles..

  

After I left the cove,  I started to drive up to my driveway and stopped.  I love how the driveway is lined with trees...like a tree tunnel.  I love the privacy of the apartment...and it is quieting down here, the neighbors are in and settled, and best part,  my landlord has stopped coming over every single day.  The construction is over, and it is back to semi-normal.  Anyway, this is my driveway...Its about 75 yards(?) long, one lane, with a wood old-school fence along one side, and the creek bed along the other.  Very private, even though its in a neighborhood...so funny because most of the people who live in this neighborhood do not even know this apartment is here!

I really love living in Virginia, it is my heaven.

S,Tessa

Pronounced CRAZY

 So last night, Kevin called John.  He asked John point blank "who did you tell, and what did you tell them..."  after John said all his standard stock answers, Kevin asked him again.

John told my dad, his friends, and two of my kids.  He told them quote" Your mother THINKS she has DID with multiple personalities."  this is how much John has researched and tried to understand DID.  DID is multiple personalities, its not DID with multiple, it is....he is so fucking ignorant, and his ignorance has spilled over to family, and now they are ignorant, don't want to know the facts, don't want to talk with me, because JOHN fed them a false narrative....again, TYPICAL FUCKING CHRISTIAN DOGMA

I have been diagnosed with this disorder.  I am under a doctors care, for this disorder and regular health issues...I have been doing therapy for 5 years.

JOHN KNOWS THIS, I HAVE KEPT HIM IN THE LOOP...NOT SPECIFICS BUT THE GIST OF THE DIAGNOSIS.

But, to his small little god brain, he told everyone that "I think" I have it.  THINK?????????????

Now my kids will just blow that off as mom is just being her "quirky" self.

Then John went on to accuse Kevin of "coming into his home and stealing his wife away"  he has told the kids the same thing, so they all hate Kevin.  Never have meant him but hate him.

Kevin had to remind John that I left him years and years ago...I moved out of our bedroom more than 20 years ago, I have been asking John for a divorce the past 15 years...I have repeatedly told John , I do not love you.

Kevin was no where to be seen...I did not even know who Kevin was at that time.

And besides all of that, wouldn't you think that if John made me happy,  took care of my needs and gave me fucking attention, warmth, love and understanding, I would have NEVER left.

A man cannot steal another mans wife if she doesn't want to be stolen....

OBVIOUSLY, John cant man up to his failures with me.  He refuses to believe he is to blame....He refuses to believe that he is not GOD.

So John told the family, I guess that is his way of punishing me...typical christian tactic.  He has to be the hero, the man on the throne...and he told them in a way that left them thinking "geez, there is my crazy mom, thinking she has DID"  

NO wonder my daughter has ghosted me....

So John has fucking ruined me.  He stole my voice, my story and made it his, with his little spin....

He is the judge, the jury, and I cannot appear in his court...so he slammed his gavel and pronounced me "crazy".

I cannot scream or even describe how much I fucking hate this man...I wish he would die.

S, sophee

lost

  I am so upset with my X.  I do not know where to place the hate I feel for him.....

I do not even know how to process his betrayed of me and a trust I placed in him.

For a so called "man of god" he has shown his true colors.  He is a liar and a gossip.  He is self centered and a narcissist.  He truly believes that by breaking my confidence he was doing me a favor....the favor being, then his "friends" could fucking pray for me.....Christians are nothing but hypocrites.

I have no ideal who he has told about my DID,  I have no ideal how he told them, what he exactly told them....I feel like he raped me.  And he did, he raped my trust, he raped my voice, he raped my spirit.  John is a rapist.

John also told me that our daughter was "suicidal"...I have been there, am there so much of the time...I know that feeling of "just wanting it to be over"...so I reached out to my daughter, I did not mention to her what her dad told me.  All I did was send a text asking her if I could fly her down for a weekend so we could visit.  I want to tell her about my DID,  I want to explain to her about my being hospitalized for suicidal tendencies.   I know she is super stressed about her job, I know that she is lonely....

I offered to also pay her rent along with the plane ticket, so she would not have to worry about finances....I sent her this text....after 5 days, I had not heard anything from her...so I sent her another text and I asked her why she is "ghosting" me?  She finally answered with "I cannot leave right this minute...and followed that with, why don't you fly down here, its easier for you..."  and she said absolutely nothing about me wanting to talk to her about some of my issues....

She has disappointed me in a way that is so like her father...its always about them, i am nothing to them....not worth the effort...John says that he does not remember telling the kids about my DID....well with Taryns response, I believe he did tell her.  She wants nothing to do with me....she is as selfish and self-absorbed as her father.

No one in my family wants to have to listen to me, no one wants to understand the horrors I have been through...no one wants to understand "why" I had to leave...no one cares.

I thought my daughter cared for me....I WAS SO WRONG.  I thought John loved me, he tells me he does, I thought he would honor my wishes, I thought he would be a straight up man....I WAS WRONG.

I am always wrong.   Now knowing that my kids don't want anything to do with me, has left me with a hole in my heart so big....simply put, when I left their dad, they left me.   

I am devastated....my life is ruined....I have ruined everything by leaving perfect John and moving away...I am nothing more than a terrorist in my kids and families eyes....even my cousins do not contact me, none of my three brothers have ever called me....my sister is shit....I am always the one calling, texting, trying to stay in contact with my family....but it is one sided, and I am done.

I am an orphan.  I am a widow, I am childless,  I am homeless, my spirit is gone,  I am only a shell of a person...I have a heart that is too stupid to quit pumping...

I am beyond grief....I AM NOTHING,NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON BUT A FUCKING DID FREAK.

I have literally done nothing to deserve this type of treatment.  The only thing I have done wrong, was simply being born.  I wish I had never been born....I hate myself, I hate DID...I hate everything, even my advocate...I cannot afford to love anybody.....so I have to learn to hate.   Do not get close to me...keep me at arms reach...if you get too close then I will have to hate you.

Because if I don't hate you and push you away...YOU WILL LEAVE ME.

so lost, so fucking lost....

S

7

written

 When I die, this is what I want on written on my  tombstone:

"Already dead, before she was even born"

         April 7, 1962-April 7, 1962

Sparrow

little people

 As a child, I was convinced that all dogs were boys and all cats were girls.  Because it was always like that with the pets I have had over the years...but as a child, I really thought that.

As a child, I believed there were little people living inside me.  When I ate food, those little people would run out with baskets over their heads to catch the food as it fell down...

When I drank, they ran out with buckets to catch the moisture.

I believed they had jobs.  The little people behind my eyes, were their to lead me, guide me.

I believed I was a machine...little people moving my parts, guiding my way, catching my food, cataloging information, and then moving them to storage, for the little people in my brain to read so they could give me information.

Little people, keeping my heart pumping blood, little people manipulating my lungs with their very breathes...a machine, a million moving parts...moving together to create a person.  ME.

As a child, I could feel them, running around, doing their jobs...

funny... 

fuck John

 So, my husband, whom I a legally separated from, has decided that his "choices" and "decisions" are the correct ones, no matter what.

About 6 mos ago, I told him I had DID and I was in therapy.  I asked him to please "not tell anyone about the DID" that I was not ready for them to know, as I am still trying to learn about and come to terms with my DID.  He said he "would not tell anyone."  I have this on a text message.

Come to find out, he not only told my dad, but he told 2-3 of his closest friends that I had DID, then I asked him if he told the kids and his response was "I don't remember".....and then he said "I told your dad, but not in a disparaging way."

John took my condition, and my voice away....he robbed me of being the one to tell my family.

He is supposedly a strict christian upstanding man that never lies.....WHAT A FUCKING LYING HYPOCRITE.

Our whole conversation was of him betraying me...but he made it all about him...I am your husband, I care about you, and we need to all pray...fuck you mother fucker.  He refuses to believe that he did anything wrong....

And that is the fucking PROBLEM with christians...they do not believe they are ever wrong....they are such goddamn hypocrits I cannot stand them....omg

I do not even know how to now proceed...he has shoved me back into the closet...now those he told will research Hollywood and fictional books, they will have a preconceived ideal about DID....John has taken my voice and the ability to explain the "facts" surrounding this disorder.

John does not care at all about me.....I am considering "suing" him for slander and emotional/psychological abuse.

I have tried to be civil with him, but that is now over.

He has clamped his hand over my mouth, just like my fucking abuser did.

John is an animal, with no compassion or respect for anyone other than himself and his fucking religious ideology.  

I NOW HATE HIM.....I HOPE HE IS HAPPY...FUCK HIM

FUCK JOHN KRUPOVAGE

S

Scrapped

 I am so tired of trying to be "normal".  I will never be normal, have a normal brain, and I cannot accept that, I hate it.

We are trying to do another video about exactly "how DID is developed as a child...there are no rule books or manuals, so a child has to depend on the only thing around them that gives them comfort, support or security.  For me, at first it was my Chrissy doll, then later when a different type of abuse presented, it was Sophee (who reflects a strong woman that was a neighbor to me as a child), then Sammy, who does not talk, why?  because a hand was held over my mouth, Sammy was a cat, that was murdered by that beast, but Sammy was the type of cat that was very quiet, that is why Sammy picked the name Sammy....All my alters were born for specific reasons to perform specific tasks etc...

In listening to the script, I felt like the script was leading...in that after the first alter is created by the child, then the child actively and knowingly (meaning they consciously know what they are doing) forms more alters...BUT THIS IS NOT TRUE.  A child has no understanding, no knowledge of science or the brain, there are no books that they can read or television they can watch to teach them how to do DID...a child does not consciously develop DID.  It is NOT A LEARNED BEHAVIOR. IT IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM OF A BRAIN. A child has no knowledge of anything except the abuse or acute trauma they are enduring and they are instinctively applying "survival of the fittest"...its an organic internal human instinct, to survive.   

My advocate constantly says "he is amazed at my DID", "he refers to my alters as 'superhero's"... he almost brags about my DID...or at least that is how my altered mind sees it.

I am ashamed of having DID.  It is a nightmare,  I am ashamed of the decisions and the way my life has turned out, my DID, maybe in the beginning was a good thing, I survived my childhood...but it doesn't go away, once you are safe...it is there forever!  It ruins your life as you don't know what the fuck is going on inside, so you seek mental health professionals who just push drugs on you...if you are numb then you are better....DID ruins any type of relationship, as your partner only sees "erratic and unexplainable actions, words, behaviors or lack of behaviors".  Your friends and co-workers see you as a "liar"..."you were at the meeting, so you know what was said and done, stop lieing"...when in fact another alter was attending the meeting and since I am fucking "asleep" when they front, I have no goddamn ideal...so I am perceived as a liar and a faker.  I will tell people I don't smoke, yet they see "me" smoking...I tell people I hate seafood, yet they see "me" eating catfish.....WHAT A FUCKING PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND HYPOCRITE that is what they think....

So any relationship, is a set up for disaster.   DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAL HOW THIS AFFECTS ME, SPARROW??? no wonder I am depressed and suicidal so much of the time,  if you are confused by my actions, imagine how I must feel?

Apologies and I am sorry, has become my mantra. 

I want the world to understand the nature of DID,,,but I do not want to be the poster child...I am not the face of DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were millions if not billions of others before me with this condition or disorder...

I sincerely wish that that beast would have just killed me when I was a child....but he did worse than that...he did not kill me...he planted a fucking disorder in my brain to cause me to suffer for the rest of my life...suffer in silence.  HE WON.  HE HAD THE VICTORY....

I AM THE LOSER IN LIFE...YES I STILL HAVE A HEARTBEAT...BUT I AM TRULY DEAD INSIDE.

MY ALTERS ARE FUCKING NOT SUPERHERO'S...developing DID is cowardly...ALTERS ARE A DEFORMITY IN MY BRAIN THAT CANNOT BE FIXED BY MEDICATIONS OR SURGERY.  

I AM A BRAIN RETARD, THANK YOU MOM, THE BEAST AND EVERY OTHER ABUSER IN MY LIFE.

You reached your goal...you destroyed me, but yet you got to live your life as a normal person...you got to live.  I HAVE BEEN DEAD SINCE BEFORE THE AGE OF 4, my body just hasn't got the message yet.

I have an internal deformity that would be hideous to look at if it was a visible deformity, it would repulse others....

How in the fuck is that a good thing?  How in the fuck is that a "superhero"?...people who go on social media acting like their DID is fun and great are nothing but "fakers and liars"....NO ONE WITH LEGITIMATE DID WOULD EVER DO THAT, NO ONE.  

We suffer in silence.  I wish I had cancer or some other disease...that is socially acceptable...DID is not.   I try so fucking hard to have a normal life, but everything I do or say only deflects from the misery of my brain....I mask everything...because I am so goddamn ashamed of this disorder.  Its humiliating and disgusting.

I am ashamed of my alters, each and every goddamn one of them, because they are NOT REAL...JUST FIGMENTS OF MY PATHETIC DEFORMED BRAIN.  FIGMENTS.:.PIECES OF PERSONALITIES AND TRAITS i FOUND AS A CHILD, COMFORTING....which are now cruel and useless to me....

I do not want them, I never invited them to live in my brain consciously,  and no matter how much I scream for them to move out, to go away...they refuse.  Just like all the people out there who refuse to believe in DID...talk about a war!  

my husband once told me that I was a "helpless wonder"...and he is 100 percent correct.  I am a helpless wonder,  helpless in everything...a piece of shit.

So the video we were gonna do, is now scrapped....just like my entire life, scrapped and left behind.

I WILL NEVER ACCEPT DID...I WILL NEVER LEARN TO LOVE MY ALTERS, I WILL NEVER LOVE OR EVEN LIKE MYSELF...I AM FOREVER AN UGLY PIECE OF FEMALE HUMAN FLESH, INSIDE AND OUT.

hate is a very strong word...but it fits me perfectly.  i am hate, personified...

There is no victory for me in this fight with DID...DID is the terrorist of the mind, and I will never ever win...NEVER

"Good for you"

When I won "Best Cherokee" at the invasion last weekend I was so excited and proud of all the work that we have done with my jeep.  I wanted to share my happiness and joy over something fun in my life.

I texted my kids, only Cory was happy for me and asked about the show, he showed interest in my win.

The other two where like "cool" and thats it.

I sent my dad a text with a picture of my trophy and told him how excited I was...his response was "good job".

Then I followed that with "I have never won a trophy for first place my entire life, and I was so proud.and felt like a school girl..his response "good for you".

THATS IT!!!!!!!!!  I thought parents were suppose to be happy for their childrens accomplishments, to engage in their joy, to lift them up and praise them, to talk with them about their happy event...to support them.

I DID NOT GET THAT FROM MY DAD.

Story of my life, my parents don't give a shit about me...fuck them...

FUCK MY DAD...I AM DONE REACHING OUT TO HIM OR ANYBODY ELSE...I WILL NEVER BE LOVED BY MY PARENTS, I AM UNLOVEABLE.

MY "CARE' IS GONE.   MY DAD CAN ROT IN HELL WITH MY MOTHER.

THEY ARE NOW DEAD TO ME.

i AM OFFICIALLY AN ORPHAN.   FUCK ALL OF THEM,  AND FUCK ME FOR TRYING TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER...WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF MY LIFE, ALL THOSE YEARS, WASTED, SPENT ON TRYING TO GET MY PARENTS AND FAMILY TO LOVE ME, WHAT A FUCKING JOKE MY LIFE HAS BEEN.

I CAN FEEL SOPHEE,  SHE WANTS TO RAGE.....

s

Leaky faucett

So I have been instructed to blog about this memory that is kicking my ass...I cannot go into the specifics of the memory because it is just too horrific to explain.   

I have so many different and conflicting thoughts and emotions about this memory.

I am sad, I am frustrated, I am fucking mad as hell...

Last night, my advocate talked with Ally.  Ally, I guess is fine with the memory, no issues with her...

Then he talked with Sammy....which is very hard because she is mute, and only speaks through sign...she can type, because of the autocorrect in her spelling and word arrangement.  So he booted up the new computer and had her type her answers...but the new computer Wordpad, does not have auto correct, so she really couldn't type.  She cannot spell, and tries to write using phonics...he said she got very frustrated and the whole conversation, I guess was pointless.

But we do know that this memory, was what spawned Sammy.  This was her "birth" date.   This particular memory,  made her.  This memory made her a mute, this memory made her a lesbian, this memory came forward, not by her or any of the other alters...

This memory came because of my age and the break down of barriers in my head...it leaked out, I guess.

So, if Sammy, Ally and all the rest are ok with this memory, then why the fuck am I not okay?  I am so fucking mad, I want to break things, I want to throw and shatter all my dishes, anything throwable I want to smash against a wall....why?  Because it is all I can do now.

I cannot go to my mother, I cannot go to anyone and demand retribution, I cannot go to the police,  I cannot scream and cuss my perpetrators,  I can do absolutely fucking nothing, but live with this memory, this atrocity.  And to me, its a fucking atrocity and my anger is so out of control, it is literally an "act of congress" to calm my rage...

I cannot change the actions and behavior I chose to do as a child, teenager and adult as a direct result of the memory.   But did I choose it, or did Sammy choose it?  Since all those fucking alters are part of my brain, I am the one soley responsible for my actions.   I am responsible for everything.   

I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR SOMETHING THEY DID...but I have too, and it doesn't seem fair...in fact it enrages me to no end....If I can't control what they do, then why am I the one responsible?   Because I am the face that is put forward to the world...I am the host, I am the boss...everything falls on me, whether I agree or not...its all on me.

THAT IS THE FUCKING HARDEST THING TO ACCEPT WITH DID....NO MATTER WHAT MY ALTERS DO, I AM TO BLAME.

I am sparrow, I am all the others, I am a living walking freak.

So, because of my age, and the time that has pasts since all the fucking abuse, my memories are leaking out.  The alters can't hold them anymore....so at 61 fucking years of age, I am living a nightmare that NO ONE could ever imagine.   My head is now a leaky faucet of brown stinking water...drip drip drip...

Maybe I should go back on drugs.  Drugs stop the memories, drugs keep them away....can a person literally die of heartache????

How do I stop the constant "drip drip drip" of memories?  The only way I can, is to medicate myself with a drug that can take me away from reality...

I can't do in patient therapy...there are no fucking doctors here that actually treat DID or better yet, actually believe DID is a thing.  I can't talk to a perfect stranger...my alters will not talk to a stranger as themselves....I don't trust the mental health doctors or community...they have done nothing but fuck me up my entire life....

So I am stuck, no plumber to stop the leak, no doctor to help me, no family to embrace me and help me,  I only have my advocate, and he is not a "mental health professional", but he is smart, intelligent and knows more about DID than the fucking mental health professionals. And more than that, he believes me.   I am not a circus attraction to him...

But I am a circus attraction to me.  I am the freak in the show with multiple heads...I am the freak that keeps living, despite the fact that I should be long dead...

I do not and can not understand all these celebrities and tic toc people coming out and telling the world that they have DID, like it is some sort of cool thing.  DID is carnage.   Devastation left by war, my war as a child.  It is not fucking glamorous, I do not understand why other supposed "DID" sufferers want to go on social media and laugh, let their alters on camera, do they think this will help others with DID?????????

IT DOES NOT...IT HURTS US MORE...DID is not a new social fad.  It is not entertainment, I am so fucking sick of hollywood making money off a horrible disorder.

Goddamn it,  I hate DID, it has fucking ruined every aspect of my life, it has lifted the shade on who I really am, who I was molded to be.   I feel naked standing in front a crowd...no way to cover myself, no way to leave, no where to run....trapped, humiliated and embarrassed!  I am a laughingstock.  A joke for late night hosts, a joke for facebook memes, a joke to the family...a freak that others can gossip about behind my back.

I wish screaming, throwing things, smashing things, blogging...I wish they would help, but they don't...nothing helps.  I am hopeless and helpless....this is how I feel.

I have guilt the size of the empire state building...I have so much guilt over all the girls I have harmed....all the family members I have harmed...I cannot be normal.

I am better left alone in my head of 8 personalities,  my head is too fucking crowded to be good for anybody.  I just leave destruction in my wake...opening my mouth, is like firing a gun...it kills everyone, it kills them.   I am not a murderer, but my voice, my memories, my accusations, my life, kills all around me, maybe not right away, but it happens...everyone leaves me, I am dead to them.

I don't know what else to blog with this particular subject.  Basically I am just following orders....I was told to blog...so I did.  Like the good little girl I am, I do what I am told.  FUCK

S, sophee

Why?

 I am lost in silence,

Too much on my mind,

all the violence...

Attacking me, all the time.

I cannot speak,

but this does not mean,

that I am weak.

I am strong,

I can write,

because I am not wrong.

my memories are there,

but only come at night.

I need to scream,

but can only through a dream....

so this is me,

why can't she see,

why can't she hear,

the memories, I have to hold dear....

Sammy

BRJI 2023

 So we finished my jeep, and went to the Blue Ridge Jeep invasion.  It was a fun day, a beautiful day...I loved being with all the jeeps and jeepers.

I entered my Cherokee into the Show and Shine contest, and it fucking won!  My jeep won "Best Cherokee".  wow, I got a trophy and everything.  I have never won an event or anything in my entire life...I felt like a school girl.

My friend, Becky, Kevin and I worked so hard to get this jeep ready.  Becky did all the decal and flag work, Kevin installed all my modifications and all I did was foot the bill.....they deserve the award, not me.   

I was not present at the awards ceremony as we needed to get back to my critters and my head was hurting really bad...I drove up and picked up the trophy that was picked up by another jeeper for me.   I am so happy that my jeep won.  Now maybe I will start getting respect for having a Cherokee over a Wrangler! ha

S

loud and clear

 This new memory I have had, is kicking my ass...I cannot even begin to share this memory here, it is too fucking horrific....too much for me to try and make peace with.

I am struggling now to figure out where I go from here..I am reminded to not think on the memory as an adult looking back, but to think of the memory as the young child..the childs mind.   I cannot put myself in that childs mind.

It is impossible for me to accept this memory...it makes me mad, angry, confused and feeling like shit on the bottom of a shoe.  I don't want to be touched,  I don't want to feel anything, especially anything that has to do with my body....

No matter how hard I scrub my body in the shower, I will never be clean again.  

I owe amends to people, but how do I do that?   Where do I start?

I am relieved when I am alone.   Solitary confinement has become my friend.

I feel like a robot, going through the motions of everyday life, but yet reeling from past memories....I know I need therapy...but there are no doctors here, no one to really help me, and no money to pay for it....so I am stuck in my mind...stuck....no recovery for me.

I feel bad for my advocate...I am shutting him out, smiling and laughing around him, when actually my head is crying....He does not deserve my shit, my past or my love...he deserves more...more than I can give.   This last memory has fucking broken something deep inside me....

Why did I have to remember?  I am so mad at whichever Alter gave me that memory...I think it was Sammy...and for an alter that does not speak, she fucking screamed that memory into my head....loud and clear.

S