runs to it...

 As I go back and reread my blogs, I have realized that I mostly write about what I am going through, or what I am feeling in the moment....it does not necessarily reflect how I feel all the time.

Most of my posts are somewhat dark and depressing,  often I am not sure who is feeling what in my head, and it confuses me and I lash out verbally on this blog.

Kevin and I are good...he is my soul mate...we will always be together, but like with many and all relationships there are good times and bad times, difficult times, and confusing times...My insecurities make it really hard for him to love me.  I second guess everything, I constantly look at the "glass half empty", I am always looking for the "other shoe to drop"...I have been this way my entire life...A doubting thomas.

In my head, I simply cannot be loved, I am unlovable, and when someone tells me "I love you", I have an extremally hard time understanding that type of love so I push it away.

All my life someone has said "I love you", then turned around and hurt me in ways that have damaged and scarred me for life.   I feel the "love" emotion is something I cannot ascertain correctly.   

With Kevin,  there is something there I have never in my life felt before.  He makes me feel safe.  He makes me feel wanted and needed.  He is the best friend, the most loyal and protective man I have ever seen.  I trust him, which is the hardest thing in the world for me "trust".  I think about him all the time, we are literally in each others head, reading each others thoughts etc...But most of all, he doesn't give me "pat" answers when I am confused or upset...He has never said "I will pray for you", instead, he gets his hands dirty and does his best to physically and emotionally fix my issues...  He doesn't run away from my life...He runs to it.

He understands me, us.  Maybe this is love, real love.  No matter how "out of control" I get, no matter how much my tongue hurts him, he understands why I lash out at times and he never takes it personally...he knows that I am finally able to have a voice, whether positive or negative, he allows me my voice.  He does not judge me, again, he understands me and my complicated mind.

He lets me, be me. Period. dot. the end.

I love that!  I love him, so much, it scares me.....

S, Tessa