I was sitting here watching a TV show, and the couple at the end of the show, renewed their marriage vows and lived happily ever after...this made me cry.
It got me to thinking about when John and I first got married. He knew that I did not love him at the time of our marriage. But he told me "you will learn to love me"..and I believed him, he was a good guy, and a good person to marry.
about 10 years into our marriage, after 2 kids, we decided to renew our marriage vows in the church. I still did not love him, even after all that time, but we were married, and he was a good father, so I consented and we renewed our vows. I still had the thought that "I would learn to love him, and I really wanted to"....but love never happened.
We did not live happily ever after....our marriage continued to go downhill, and that was all on me. No matter how hard I tried to love him, to love my life, I was miserable...
I failed at my marriage....I failed as a wife, mother and person...I felt I was incapable of "love"....
That is why that TV show made me cry....
Now, I have a new life...I have someone that I "love", I mean truly love, but going into this relationship, I again had "expectations" of what our relationship would mean, the direction it would go, and I was wrong....
So do I settle? Do I just "grin and bear it"? Like I did when I was married?
Am I truly never suppose to be happy? Do my desires and feelings, wants and needs even matter?
I should have been grateful for my marriage, for John, the kids and all that....but I wasn't. I should be grateful for the relationship I have now, but I am still left wanting...needing...more out of that relationship...I guess that I am just too immature and difficult to be truly supported in my needs. I guess I do not know what is best for me....what is best for my mental capacity.
Having DID makes my wants and desires and needs, null and void. So for the rest of my sorry existence, I have to cow down and accept the hand outs I am given and be thankful for them...I have to accept that I am not a full woman or person, I am brain damaged and everyone knows what is best for me, better than I know what is best for me....
They say communication is the best in a relationship, communication and trust. I tried to communicate with john, to trust his judgement, and our life together went to shit, because he would not listen to me....
Now this new relationship is falling into the same line as my marriage. I try to communicate, but it falls on deaf ears....because, I do not know what is best for me and my life....and I am tired of begging, talking, wanting and needing...
So, I will be the good little girlfriend, and do all the girlfriend/wife thingys that women are suppose to do, and I will be grateful for any reward...
It does not matter how hard I try....I fail. I am a failure at life.
S, 7
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