Scammers

 I have not blogged in a long while.  There has been so much going on, and I am trying to wrap my head around all of it.

As everyone knows, I have been trying to find a rental house to move into.  I need to get out of this apartment...

So Kevin and I have started looking....we looked on Zillow, and other rental websites and decided to look at Craiglist.  I found this apartment on Craigslist and it turned out to be a good fit for me, 6 years ago.

But now, I am having more health issues and I really need a roomate.  I need a two bedroom house.  We saw many houses on Craigslist, all were either, no pets, or out of our price range.  Then we found one that seemed to fit...we cruised by the home a couple of times and liked what we saw.  So we contacted the "owner", who in turned asked for an application to be filled out and proof of income...all standard stuff...

then they started pushing for us to deposit money into an account.  I would not do that until I got a walk through, and met these "owners" personally.  They kept stalling, and sent us more paperwork, even a signed "notary" page...ODD,  So Kevin looked up the notary's name and number and there is no such person in the state of Virginia.  That was when we knew we were being scammed.  We drove by the house and left a copy of the rental lease on their fence, with our phone number attached...the real owner of the house said "This house is not for sale, lease, or any other option".....

The bank, where the money was suppose to be deposited at Chase Bank in Oklahoma....hmmmmm, Kevin called the main office of Chase Bank in Oklahoma, and they gave us the same thing....they can't do anything...WELL FUCK THAT SHIT, YES THEY CAN!!!!! They could at the very least, delete the fake bank account, they have the routing number, the bank location and the name on the fake account, yet they say they can do nothing.....bullshit

Kevin called the attorney general of Virginia telling him of this scam, giving them the bank routing number and name on account....they told him that if we did not give them any money, then no crime has been committed...this was echoed by the VA attorney general and the police department.

So scammers are not held accountable....how many people have sent these scammers money???????  We have the info needed to catch them, but because we were not "personally damaged by the scam" they won't take our info....

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT????

So, this is going on....

And to add insult to injury, I am having a reoccurring dream that wakes me up every night....it is a disturbing dream, and kevin believes I am about to have another horrendous memory.....I am afraid to go to sleep at night...but I am sleeping with the help of Xanax every night....It is so hard to work through truama, and I am just flat not up to working through another.....

I talked with my dad, and he said my mother is "out of her mind", she is screaming and talking horribly mean to everyone...her mind is completely gone....I just wonder what she is saying???  Fuck, to be a fly on the wall...

Then John told me that my dad has made him executor of his will.....and Suzy and DAvid and him and dad will be meeting to discuss this.....NATURALLY I AM NOT INVITED, AND ONLY GIVEN THIS INFORMATION AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

I bet Suzy is fucking mad as hell, she believes she should be the boss over everyone, she got so damn mad at me for making Kevin and Annie my executors and gave Kevin "Power of "Attorney"....she was livid and has not spoken to me since, that was three years ago....fuck her, now John, who is not a family member, has been chosen to be my dads executor.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE BITCH!

I am trying real hard to not let depression come get me....I have been focusing on my jeep and getting it ready for the Blue Ridge Jeep Invasion this weekend, I am entering it in the "Show and Shine" portion.   I won't win, but its fun, because I get all kinds of cool ideals for my jeep at show and shines!

So, I now have the name of a realtor who does rental properties, I will be contacting her this morning...she is a VA resident, and a bonified realtor.  I hope that she can find us a place, that is comparable to the one fake one we found....sigh

S

 

Trump mentality

 Oh my fucking god....what is wrong with people?

I was looking at my facebook newsfeed and came across a meme that a "friend" had posted.  The meme was about women drivers.  It showed the  Siamese twin girls driving their car.  The meme said "you think one woman driving a car is bad...." then the pic.  These women are perhaps the most famous Siamese twins in the world.  They have overcome so much and are just trying to live their lives in peace.

Now there is a meme going around about them....this crosses a line, from funny to just plain cruel and bullying.  

Why do people think making fun of others with disabilities or deformities is okay?  Really?

I instantly blocked that person from my page.  I will not tolerate bullying of any kind....especially poking fun at peoples physical appearance that they cannot help.   

Under the meme, I wrote in the comment's section that this meme was not funny at all, but insensitive...omg, you should have seen all the responses to my comment.  I should have just scrolled on by, but damnit, someone needs to take up for these women portrayed in the meme....

I guess since that asshole Trump can make fun of peoples disabilities, then its okay for the rest of the world....IT IS NOT.

It is not okay to bully others.   OMfucking god, I am so fucking sick of the mentality of people today....

S

runs to it...

 As I go back and reread my blogs, I have realized that I mostly write about what I am going through, or what I am feeling in the moment....it does not necessarily reflect how I feel all the time.

Most of my posts are somewhat dark and depressing,  often I am not sure who is feeling what in my head, and it confuses me and I lash out verbally on this blog.

Kevin and I are good...he is my soul mate...we will always be together, but like with many and all relationships there are good times and bad times, difficult times, and confusing times...My insecurities make it really hard for him to love me.  I second guess everything, I constantly look at the "glass half empty", I am always looking for the "other shoe to drop"...I have been this way my entire life...A doubting thomas.

In my head, I simply cannot be loved, I am unlovable, and when someone tells me "I love you", I have an extremally hard time understanding that type of love so I push it away.

All my life someone has said "I love you", then turned around and hurt me in ways that have damaged and scarred me for life.   I feel the "love" emotion is something I cannot ascertain correctly.   

With Kevin,  there is something there I have never in my life felt before.  He makes me feel safe.  He makes me feel wanted and needed.  He is the best friend, the most loyal and protective man I have ever seen.  I trust him, which is the hardest thing in the world for me "trust".  I think about him all the time, we are literally in each others head, reading each others thoughts etc...But most of all, he doesn't give me "pat" answers when I am confused or upset...He has never said "I will pray for you", instead, he gets his hands dirty and does his best to physically and emotionally fix my issues...  He doesn't run away from my life...He runs to it.

He understands me, us.  Maybe this is love, real love.  No matter how "out of control" I get, no matter how much my tongue hurts him, he understands why I lash out at times and he never takes it personally...he knows that I am finally able to have a voice, whether positive or negative, he allows me my voice.  He does not judge me, again, he understands me and my complicated mind.

He lets me, be me. Period. dot. the end.

I love that!  I love him, so much, it scares me.....

S, Tessa

renew vows

 I was sitting here watching a TV show, and the couple at the end of the show, renewed their marriage vows and lived happily ever after...this made me cry.

It got me to thinking about when John and I first got married.  He knew that I did not love him at the time of our marriage.  But he told me "you will learn to love me"..and I believed him, he was a good guy, and a good person  to marry.

about 10 years into our marriage, after 2 kids,  we decided to renew our marriage vows in the church.  I still did not love him, even after all that time, but we were married, and he was a good father, so I consented and we renewed our vows.  I still had the thought that "I would learn to love him, and I really wanted to"....but love never happened.

We did not live happily ever after....our marriage continued to go downhill, and that was all on me.  No matter how hard I tried to love him, to love my life, I was miserable...

I failed at my marriage....I failed as a wife, mother and person...I felt I was incapable of "love"....

That is why that TV show made me cry....

Now, I have a new life...I have someone that I "love",  I mean truly love, but going into this relationship, I again had "expectations" of what our relationship would mean, the direction it would go, and I was wrong....

So do I settle?  Do I just "grin and bear it"?  Like I did when I was married?  

Am I truly never suppose to be happy?  Do my desires and feelings, wants and needs even matter?  

I should have been grateful for my marriage, for John, the kids and all that....but I wasn't.   I should be grateful for the relationship I have now, but I am still left wanting...needing...more out of that relationship...I guess that I am just too immature and difficult to be truly supported in my needs.  I guess I do not know what is best for me....what is best for my mental capacity.   

 Having DID makes my wants and desires and needs, null and void.  So for the rest of my sorry existence, I have to cow down and accept the hand outs I am given and be thankful for them...I have to accept that I am not a full woman or person, I am brain damaged and everyone knows what is best for me, better than I know what is best for me....

They say communication is the best in a relationship, communication and trust.  I tried to communicate with john, to trust his judgement, and our life together went to shit, because he would not listen to me....

Now this new relationship is falling into the same line as my marriage.  I try to communicate, but it falls on deaf ears....because,  I do not know what is best for me and my life....and I am tired of begging, talking, wanting and needing...

So, I will be the good little girlfriend,  and do all the girlfriend/wife thingys that women are suppose to do, and I will be grateful for any reward...

It does not matter how hard I try....I fail.  I am a failure at life.

S, 7