Keep her out

 When a child is born, there is a responsibility with life to do certain things:

Grow and learn, 

get a job, contribute to the economy

have children:  procreate

Be productive, innovative and add to knowledge

be environmentally literate and help with the environment for future generations.

Leave a legacy of hope, courage and inspiration, to pass on to newer generations..

Be a productive member of society, and serve your country with honor and justice..

BUT:  that is for normal people.

for those of us who are not normal, then what?

All we can do is procreate and try and be law abiding and economically productive...but that falls short, time and time again.

Especially with DID.  

DID has gotten me fired from jobs...

DID has gotten me fired from volunteer organizations..

DID cost me a marriage, and subsequent snub from my kids..

DID has cost me friendships..

The knowledge that I have DID has even shattered who and what I thought I was...

I am not a mother,

I am not a friend,

I am not a volunteer or employee

I am not a church goer

I cannot understand even the simplest of things

I am confused and frustrated all the fucking time

My head is always a fucking hurricane of conflicting thoughts and emotions to the point of driving me literally crazy...

If I open my mouth up to anyone about my DID, then I am looked at differently, I am looked at with pity...or the person wants to know about the abuse...which I will not share, with anybody.

When I try to use my experience and limited knowledge to help others on videos...the door is slammed shut, why?  because our videos are not circus side shows...that is saved for Tic-Toc.  If getting more viewers and subscribers depends on "entertaining the audience with switching and "freak" behavior...then fuck that shit.  I will not fucking fuel the desires of others, to see the freak.  

When I watch other DID videos where the host, lets their alters come and go on their channels...it does appear that it is all fake..even though I know that they edit and film at different times, and permission is given by the alter to be on camera, it still comes across as fake and theatrical... I WILL NOT DO THAT...

I understand the editing of such videos, but the public does not. They just see a person talking then all the sudden that person has switched and it now becomes a circus side show....I don't understand why other channels have no problem "displaying" their alters...for the world to see....I have not seen even one that by doing or allowing an alter to be on camera has taught anyone anything...I am fucking ashamed that Tessa even filmed herself...I am beyond embarrassed that her video is part of our Youtube series...in fact, I need to delete it.

DID is a serious, private condition...it is not for the mass population to see...

I am ashamed to have this condition.  I am ashamed for people who are close to me, or who actually know me as either Melissa or Sparrow, to know that I have this fucking condition.

I am ashamed to have a little, especially.  A grown ass woman, acting like a 6 yr old child at times...fuck is that shit???  I am most ashamed of Ally...the rest are adults, and present as adults...

Having a child alter is humiliating, degrading and ugly.  I look retarded.  Brain damaged...I fucking hate the fact that I have goddamn barbie dolls and childrens toys in my home and in Kevins home...I want to toss them all in the fucking garbage, or give them away to "actual" children.

GROW UP ALLY.  IF YOU CANNOT GROW UP, THEN FUCKING LEAVE MY HEAD....AT LEAST LET ME HAVE SOME SIMBLANCE OF ADULT NORMALCY...YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING LITTLE GIRL...YOU ARE A 61 YEAR OLD SENIOR ADULT.  YOU ARE NOT A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever baggage you are carrying that is keeping you a fucking baby, spit it out....vomit all the shit you are holding, and then grow the fuck up...nothing will shock me anymore...i am numb to feeling anything new, no matter the memory.  

SPIT IT OUT OR GROW UP OR FUCKING LEAVE....LILLY, YOU CREATED HER, FUCKING DESTROY HER.  AT THE VERY LEAST, DO NOT LET HER OUT, EVER!!!!!!!!!

Lilly, if you really are a gatekeeper...then keep Ally out, do not let her in.  She does not have my permission.  

S, and whoever the fuck else has helped me pen this.