go away

 Fuck.  I am literally wasting away...I am eating more high calorie foods and this morning I weighed 93 pounds...I look like a drug addict or an anorexic.  

When anyone hugs me, all they feel are my rib bones and spine.  My legs look like fucking walking sticks, my arms are skinny and look pathetic.  I look pathetic.  I hate what people must think of me when they see me in public...and I am so fucking tired of people telling me "child you need to eat more."  REALLY, THAT THOUGHT HAS NEVER OCCURED TO ME.

My family doctor called, left a message...he said my MRI scans look good, that I have a couple of "bone spurs"....he did not mention the lesions or anything else.  A bone spur happens when joints rub together, like your spine, elbows, knees and feet...it is not in your head, there is no moving joints in the head....(except the jaw, and my tumors are in left frontal lobe...)

So, he was flippant to me, and made me feel even worse, it is making me doubt myself....I think he was trying to sound light to ease my mind...but he is a family doctor, he does not know shit about head tumors and sclerotic lesions and all that....so now I am frustrated again with a doctor blowing me off.....

Suppose to hear from the Neurologist to get an appointment.  That doctor will be able to explain all the results in a clear and concise way.

All I know is this, I am still losing weight, I do not sleep, my fucking head hurts all the damn time, my nerves are shot....and I take it out on Kevin.

I need to just go away.....leave VA and never come back, I think I need to go away and die in peace, without causing heartache for Kevin...He literally is watching me waste away and die....not fair.  He is not my husband...

I can't tell my family, they don't care anyway...in Oklahoma its all about the kids and my parents and I can go "fuck myself"...

Maybe that is what I will do....go and fuck myself....alone...

S, sophee