FUCK MY LIFE

 I am so tired of feeling useless.  

I cannot understand nor comprehend all these new computers and apps...I am too fucking stupid to be able to learn that shit.

I have tried to volunteer at various places, but after filling out the application "to volunteer",  I am ghosted....

I cannot even be a volunteer, anywhere.

So day after fucking day, I just sit in this goddamn apartment waiting for Kevin to get off work, so I can have some sort of human interaction.

There is literally not a damn thing for me to do everyday...my apartment is clean, my animals are on a routine, and I take care of them, but I fucking need to feel "needed" or "wanted"....

I do not feel either.

I had a sense of accomplishment and a "work" type mindset, when we were filming...I felt like I was "helping" and contributing to society....but in reality, I am nothing, but an oddity.  Our videos are nothing but shit.  Just go watch Tic Toc, people are entertained by that, no one wants to learn "real DID'...so sweep it under the rug.

We no longer film, so even that sense of "doing something constructive" has now left the building.  In a sense, I have been fired from Youtube...that is how I feel.

Kevin really has no interest in filming anymore....there is nothing left to say or film about.   2 years of filming,  my whole disorder summed up in only 2 years....

I do not belong in Virginia.  I do not belong anywhere...there is nowhere for people like me...I am an outcast, an oddity and a fucking freak.  My life is useless...just like DID, useless.  There is not a damn thing positive about DID, it is not curable...it is ugly, confusing and a fucking nightmare....I can have no friends...I can have nothing, because of this mental disorder.  

What is my life?  Sitting around, cleaning a clean house, taking care of my pets, and cleaning up around the apartment.  That is it...that is all I am good for....sad.

I am not even good enough to be a dog walker....Saint Frances Service Dogs posted for a dog walker volunteer...I volunteered for that over 5 mos ago...nothing....not a goddamn thing...so that tells me, I am not even worthy to walk a fucking dog.

WORTHLESS,  STUPID, IGNORANT, UGLY PIECE OF HUMAN SHIT.  THAT IS SPARROW...

I have no purpose in life,  I have no fucking purpose at all.  How am I suppose to live with the knowledge that I am not even good enough to walk a fucking dog?

PRETTY GODAMN USELESS....

I HATE MY LIFE...BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE...WHAT AM I?  WHO AM I?  WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH MY DAY?  I HATE TV, I REFUSE TO SIT IN FRONT OF A GODDAMN TV WATCHING ALL THE SHIT THAT IS ON THERE...

FUCK FUCK FUCK MY LIFE...