damaged goods

 As far back as I can remember, I only wanted one thing.  To be a mother, to love my children and to find a man who would be a good loving supportive non-abusive father and husband.  That is it.  I had no other plans or inspirations. 

Why is that?  Why didn't I want to be a doctor, or a president, or an astronaut or a vet or teacher....

Why?  because as a child, I was never encouraged to "thrive", I was never encouraged to pursue a sport, or music, or theatre or even my studies.  I was not told to do good in school so I could go to college.  My mother and father, never encouraged my talents or determination.  

Neither of them ever showed up for my sporting events (softball or gymnastics), they never showed up for anything except my graduation from high school.  They showed up for that, because they wanted to make sure I graduated so they could get me the fuck out of the house.  It was my choice to go on to college, not theirs...

So because I was never encouraged, supported and helped with my future,  I only knew one thing.  I wanted a baby and a life for my child and myself that I never had.

That is my only accomplishment.  I had two children and adopted another...I spent their lives, taking care of them, encouraging them in their talents, going to all their school activities and sporting events.  Being a home room mom, all of the mom things.  All the things my own mother never did for me.

But the problem is, motherhood is not a career.  Marriage is not a career.  So once my kids grew up and moved away, started having their own families,  I was left with nothing.  I was left with a man I did not love, and did not want to be around any longer...not because he was abusive, but because he was a christian radical, and he was NEVER home...so I was alone.

I tried my hand at various activities " teaching probation classes", "counseling teenagers" "running a dog park" "running a dog kennel at a homeless shelter", but those are not careers...those are temporary.  And I was relieved from all of those...of course, I know why now, but I didn't know then....

I am not educated in anything.   And the things I loved about college, I have forgotten...So I have no skill set.  I have no skills...I have no talents and I am full of insecurity...

So,  here I sit, retired, legally separated, with absolutely nothing to do...I cannot go out and get a job, because of the brain tumors mostly, but also the alters....evidently it is damn near impossible to even find a place to volunteer at...the background checks and every other damn thing takes months and months to clear, and by then, I don't even want to help out anymore...

I am so alone.   I feel so stupid, so useless.  

I literally only have Kevin.   And I treat him so badly....because I am so jealous of him.   He has an important job, taking care of veterans...he has ran a computer store, he is a master mechanic...he has so many skills and he is able to teach and do a job, perfectly.   He is extremely smart, and I am so intimidated by him.  I cannot contribute to his conversations because I don't know shit....so I stay silent...

I really believe that if my parents had loved me,  had supported me in my education, had supported me in my talents and gifts, really tried to help me in my ambitions...then I would not be sitting alone in an apartment day after day after day....

I would be a veterinarian, or something...I would have a career, I would be able to make my own money, support myself, I would be able to make a name for myself...I would have been able to contribute positively to society..I would have made a difference...

But....here I am...a nobody, doing nothing....

Everything I start to do, everything I put my mind too, everything I have a passion for, falls through...because I am uneducated and unwanted, plain and simple.   I am worthless.

Kevin wanted to start the DID videos, to educate and get the word out that this is a real condition.  I thought, okay, maybe this is what I should do, since I can't get rid of the DID, then I will use it to help others...I mean isn't that why things happen?  So you can take that happenstance and turn it around as a learning tool?  So, we started the videos....

Kevin is the editor, the computer person, the spokesman, and the person that understands DID and can use that knowledge to teach others about it.   After every single video, someone will leave a comment "Sparrow, you are so lucky to have Kevin".....

The videos were suppose to be about me, but they are about Kevin and how great he is....and I am so lucky....LUCKY?????  Having DID is lucky??

Again, I am insignificant....I don't matter.  Sparrowisms should be renamed "Kevinisms about DID"

Our videos have come to a screeching halt, because we have nothing left "cutesy" to say....the ugly truth, about DID, is all that is left to talk about, and Kevin just cannot seem to do a script, or even want to address the "fucking dirtiness of DID".

I have failed at "Sparrowisms" just like I have failed at every other thing in my life....again, I do not have the support from anyone to keep up the videos, not even Kevin supports this...

My only importance is doing laundry, shopping, cleaning apartments, and taking care of my critters.   I guess that is my "career".  A useless life.

I am so depressed, discouraged, and tired.  I am 61 and have fucking nothing, absolutely nothing that will leave a legacy to my kids and grandkids....I am not the Memaw that my grandkids will bragg about or tell others about...my kids cannot point to one positive thing about me...No one can say:

My mom is a doctor, lawyer, merchant chief....

My mom did this or that...

My memaw is the best, we have so much fun together...

This is the reality of what they would say:

My mom left my dad.

My mom stole all of his money

My mom is not a christian

Who is my memaw?

We don't need her...

THAT IS MY REALITY...my only goal in life...to have children, to love them and protect them and give them the life I never had.  And I did achieve that...but only to be cast aside...just like with the dog park and the shelter kennel...I moved mountains, worked so hard to get those off the ground...only to be let go...

I did all the work, but got NONE of the adulation, not even a "job well done, thank you"...I worked my ass off in the home, raising children, taking care of the home, etc...only to be "cast aside" and told I am stealing dads money....

I cannot win for losing....I am a loser....I will never be a winner...why?  because I am damaged goods....DID people are all losers, we lost in life the minute we were born.

S, 7