where is my box??

 So as part of my therapy,  I am going back and looking at old pictures and stuff, to try and put my memories together...

I have a box, labeled "Mels stuff", it has all my high school scrap books and other items, I need to look at...So I asked my X to go up into the attic and see if he could find it, and then mail me the box.

He goes up there, says he looks in every box and the box I am wanting is not there...the fuck?  It has to be there...I do not have that box here...

The only other place it Might be is in his moms attic in NM.  But I cannot imagine that it would be there...I still think it is in the attic of my old home in Oklahoma...

So this is aggravating me to know end...I KNOW I HAVE THAT BOX, I VIVADLY REMEMBER LOOKING IN THAT BOX...

Am I mistaken?  My vivid memories, all come back to be true..so why can't I remember where that box is?  

Because he said, he looked in every box up there, makes me feel so stupid...he even said "you probably took it with you"...no I did not!  I took nothing from the attic...that fucking box has got to be up there, I do not think he looked into every box...my box would have been shoved into the very back end of the attic, behind the kids toys, and Xmas box decorations...did he look thoroughly???

There is something in that box that is nagging at me...something in there I need to see, and work through...I think the key to help be unlock some "stuffed" memories is in that box....

How can MY STUFF just disappear?   

S

Ramblings

I sit at my window, up in the trees.

It is so quiet,

I watch as the leaves fall silently to the ground.

Its as if the trees are crying, soft gentle tears,

floating to the earth..

and they crash, with no sound... 

I sit in my own head,

only its loud with noise,

I watch and hear my world crumble around me,

like being in a mine field,  not knowing which step to take.

Its as if, my head is trying to explode.

Pain and agony, screaming to the earth,  in a loud crushing

blow....

No soft silent tears for me...

I leave that for the trees..

------------------------------------------------------------------------

My prison has a balcony

I can sit outside and listen,

as life goes on around me.

My prison has the comforts of home.

I can move freely from room to room.

My prison allows pets,  my charge to care for.

Yet it is still a prison.

Outside my gate, there is no safety.

My warden is a liar, a drunkard and a pervert,

He is ever constant, watching, leering, torturing me by his very presence. 

I left one prison, transferred to another.

A prison where I am left alone in my cell.  

A prison with a balcony, yet still a prison.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I use to love traveling...going to new places, experiencing new things,

I don't anymore.

I use to love hiking, kayaking, being female, sex, living...

I don't anymore.

I use to love to dress up, be a girlie girl.

I don't anymore.

I use to love to go to clubs, go dancing, be with people.

I don't anymore.

I use to enjoy life, laugh and play,

I don't anymore.

I use to think my life meant something, that I had purpose.

I don't anymore.

I use to think....

I don't anymore.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I, means We.  

We means Us

Us means eight

that is our fate.

locked up

 How am I suppose to live,

with the knowledge that I cannot give?

How am I suppose to cope,

when I have lost all hope?

This is where I sit,

in a life that I don't fit.

I want to scream, 

yet all I do is dream..

There will be no justice for me,

because I will never be free.

I am locked in a dark room,

waiting for the impending doom,

that will destroy me,

for all to see....

Sammy

drip drip drip

 For some time now, I have had this nagging irritation in the back of my mind...my sleep has been pretty good overall, but a couple of nights I tossed and turned having weird dreams that were all over the place and made absolutely no sense.

Until last night.

I have a fear, or aversion about going into sheds or cellars or basements, I always categorized my fear as "claustrophobia"...because some of my punishments included having to sit in a dark closet for hours at a time...

I have written about being used in "sex trafficking"...Sophee wrote the blog about it...

But me, Sparrow, is writing about these new memories.

As a 15-17 yr old, I was involved with a boy/man (19-20 yrs old) who had a very strange father or dad.  I remember the dad as dark and silent, in fact, any communications with him, in the home, had to be written notes, he was not verbal...he could talk, but he did not talk in his home...hmmmmm

Anyhoo,  my dream starts with being in a home somewhere, I cannot put my finger on whose home or where, but somewhere on the middle to southern east coast.   I do not remember if this particular home was the same home used on the island for sex games...

But in this home was a door that lead to a downstairs, like a basement or cellar...I can't recall if the door was inside a home, or outside by a cellar...it was just a door with stairs leading down....

At the bottom of the stairs was dim lighting by a couple of lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling, and I could hear the dripping of water somewhere, but don't recall ever seeing a sink or water spigot or drain...but the drip drip drip of water seemed to echo throughout the basement.  It also had a very musty icky smell, moldy, gross...

I remember those sights and smells and details so vividly...Also downstairs in this place were men.  Four men, five if you count Ronnie.  One was his father, and the other three were men I had seen before, men from the island.   There were talking softly and drinking alcohol.  When Ronnie and I entered the basement,  they were very polite.  One even handed me a drink and told me to relax.  Trouble was, I did not remember them as abusers, just men I had seen at parties on the island....but two of these men, where the same men that Sophee wrote about...so they knew me, they requested me....I was not afraid, I figured it was another one of Ronnies deals...He dealt drugs on the side...

At the time, my hair was long, past the middle of my back and it was blonde, so I must have been around 17...beach hair.  One man walked over to me and took my drink from my hand, and with his other hand he grabbed my hair from the back of my head and yanked it hard up, then down, pushing me to my knees...then he forced his dick into my mouth, I wanted to bite him...from behind me, another man started rubbing his dick against my upper back around my neck area,  another man stuck his hand in my shorts and forced his fingers up my vagina...I was being gang banged by all three....but strangely, they never fucked me...I guess Ronnie instructed them to do whatever they wanted except penial penetration.  The father never touched me, in fact, I don't think he even watched, he must have left the area and went back upstairs.

After it was over, the men retreated back upstairs, even Ronnie went with them, leaving me, in a heep, filthy, stinky and gross and woozy (whatever was in the drink made me feel fuzzy) on the concrete cold floor.  He switched the lights off and shut the door.

I was alone, in the dark, with the awful smells, and the fucking drip drip drip of water I could not find....my skin felt like it was crawling with bugs, and I scraped and scraped my arms and legs to get the bugs off, but there were no bugs, it was the drugs...I had scratches all over me...hallucinating.

I don't know how long I was down there, maybe long enough for them to think I have thought over everything that had just happened and I would be silent...for my own safety.  Ronnie flipped the lights on, and came back downstairs, he led me back up and to the bathroom so I could wash the stench and semen off my body...

He acted like nothing ever happened...we watched TV, laughed and joked...that memory was already taken from me by the time the shower ended....I never spoke of it, I was silent, because the alters took that horrible experience away from me....I was the perfect person for their horrible sex games, as I literally forgot them...so I think they must have thought, because I don't say anything ever to anyone, not even Ronnie, that I must enjoy it somehow...I was complisent in their crimes because I was silent...I was the perfect accomplice...

Because I already had DID by then,  the horrible things they did, were erased from my memory, every time, and only the good memories of that time were all I had...

I do not know how many times I had to go to that basement...my dream was a singular time, but, I have written about "blood" covenants and Satanic stuff in a room, with dripping water...so maybe this was the same room....but I have no ideal where this place was....

I do not know how many other fucking shit memories are associated with this place....but, I am so fucking sick to my stomach...

You read and hear about sex trafficking all the time in the news and think, "omg, how horrible"...but this has been going on since man began...I was probably Ronnies first minor to sexually offend and sex traffic...I truly think I was his first step into pedophilia.   Maybe not.

Ronnie is now in a prison, a mental hospital for the criminally insane, never to see the light of day again...he is serving multiple sentences for sex trafficking across state lines, and raping and assaulting children as young as 9 yrs old....BUT HE IS STILL ALIVE...HE AND MY MOTHER ARE THE ONLY TWO ABUSERS LEFT TO TORMENT ME WITH EACH BREATH THEY TAKE.

With each new memory, it brings up the rage in me...I was taken advantage of because of a mental condition,  how many other victims are hurt because of a disability?  

I am so sad, and I feel so sick inside...I am beyond embarrassed by what happened to me...I blame my mother and horrible abusive step father for grooming me to become a sex slave later...I had no control, because I had no memory...but are they really to blame?  Or am I to blame for being so weak....

Now I have another memory, just what the fuck am I suppose to do with it?  fuck

S, 7

damaged goods

 As far back as I can remember, I only wanted one thing.  To be a mother, to love my children and to find a man who would be a good loving supportive non-abusive father and husband.  That is it.  I had no other plans or inspirations. 

Why is that?  Why didn't I want to be a doctor, or a president, or an astronaut or a vet or teacher....

Why?  because as a child, I was never encouraged to "thrive", I was never encouraged to pursue a sport, or music, or theatre or even my studies.  I was not told to do good in school so I could go to college.  My mother and father, never encouraged my talents or determination.  

Neither of them ever showed up for my sporting events (softball or gymnastics), they never showed up for anything except my graduation from high school.  They showed up for that, because they wanted to make sure I graduated so they could get me the fuck out of the house.  It was my choice to go on to college, not theirs...

So because I was never encouraged, supported and helped with my future,  I only knew one thing.  I wanted a baby and a life for my child and myself that I never had.

That is my only accomplishment.  I had two children and adopted another...I spent their lives, taking care of them, encouraging them in their talents, going to all their school activities and sporting events.  Being a home room mom, all of the mom things.  All the things my own mother never did for me.

But the problem is, motherhood is not a career.  Marriage is not a career.  So once my kids grew up and moved away, started having their own families,  I was left with nothing.  I was left with a man I did not love, and did not want to be around any longer...not because he was abusive, but because he was a christian radical, and he was NEVER home...so I was alone.

I tried my hand at various activities " teaching probation classes", "counseling teenagers" "running a dog park" "running a dog kennel at a homeless shelter", but those are not careers...those are temporary.  And I was relieved from all of those...of course, I know why now, but I didn't know then....

I am not educated in anything.   And the things I loved about college, I have forgotten...So I have no skill set.  I have no skills...I have no talents and I am full of insecurity...

So,  here I sit, retired, legally separated, with absolutely nothing to do...I cannot go out and get a job, because of the brain tumors mostly, but also the alters....evidently it is damn near impossible to even find a place to volunteer at...the background checks and every other damn thing takes months and months to clear, and by then, I don't even want to help out anymore...

I am so alone.   I feel so stupid, so useless.  

I literally only have Kevin.   And I treat him so badly....because I am so jealous of him.   He has an important job, taking care of veterans...he has ran a computer store, he is a master mechanic...he has so many skills and he is able to teach and do a job, perfectly.   He is extremely smart, and I am so intimidated by him.  I cannot contribute to his conversations because I don't know shit....so I stay silent...

I really believe that if my parents had loved me,  had supported me in my education, had supported me in my talents and gifts, really tried to help me in my ambitions...then I would not be sitting alone in an apartment day after day after day....

I would be a veterinarian, or something...I would have a career, I would be able to make my own money, support myself, I would be able to make a name for myself...I would have been able to contribute positively to society..I would have made a difference...

But....here I am...a nobody, doing nothing....

Everything I start to do, everything I put my mind too, everything I have a passion for, falls through...because I am uneducated and unwanted, plain and simple.   I am worthless.

Kevin wanted to start the DID videos, to educate and get the word out that this is a real condition.  I thought, okay, maybe this is what I should do, since I can't get rid of the DID, then I will use it to help others...I mean isn't that why things happen?  So you can take that happenstance and turn it around as a learning tool?  So, we started the videos....

Kevin is the editor, the computer person, the spokesman, and the person that understands DID and can use that knowledge to teach others about it.   After every single video, someone will leave a comment "Sparrow, you are so lucky to have Kevin".....

The videos were suppose to be about me, but they are about Kevin and how great he is....and I am so lucky....LUCKY?????  Having DID is lucky??

Again, I am insignificant....I don't matter.  Sparrowisms should be renamed "Kevinisms about DID"

Our videos have come to a screeching halt, because we have nothing left "cutesy" to say....the ugly truth, about DID, is all that is left to talk about, and Kevin just cannot seem to do a script, or even want to address the "fucking dirtiness of DID".

I have failed at "Sparrowisms" just like I have failed at every other thing in my life....again, I do not have the support from anyone to keep up the videos, not even Kevin supports this...

My only importance is doing laundry, shopping, cleaning apartments, and taking care of my critters.   I guess that is my "career".  A useless life.

I am so depressed, discouraged, and tired.  I am 61 and have fucking nothing, absolutely nothing that will leave a legacy to my kids and grandkids....I am not the Memaw that my grandkids will bragg about or tell others about...my kids cannot point to one positive thing about me...No one can say:

My mom is a doctor, lawyer, merchant chief....

My mom did this or that...

My memaw is the best, we have so much fun together...

This is the reality of what they would say:

My mom left my dad.

My mom stole all of his money

My mom is not a christian

Who is my memaw?

We don't need her...

THAT IS MY REALITY...my only goal in life...to have children, to love them and protect them and give them the life I never had.  And I did achieve that...but only to be cast aside...just like with the dog park and the shelter kennel...I moved mountains, worked so hard to get those off the ground...only to be let go...

I did all the work, but got NONE of the adulation, not even a "job well done, thank you"...I worked my ass off in the home, raising children, taking care of the home, etc...only to be "cast aside" and told I am stealing dads money....

I cannot win for losing....I am a loser....I will never be a winner...why?  because I am damaged goods....DID people are all losers, we lost in life the minute we were born.

S, 7

Incompatible

 It seems that every time I open my mouth, to either say something, offer some advice, gripe or remind anybody of something, or offer my opinion, I am shot down.

I am pissing off everyone.  Kevin and I cannot even talk anymore.  Every time I open my mouth, there is a fucking argument or he gets defensive.

I will tell him something, explain something to him...he does not listen..he only hears what he "thinks" he hears.  

I try and make life easier for him, teaching him about memory hacks or easier way to do things, and he refuses.  He can move mountains and do things for me to help my life be easier, but when it comes to me helping him, fucking forget about it.

Then when I get upset because of something I said, and have to remind him off...he gets defensive and starts throwing all kinds of excuses to me.  When in fact, the major issue is "he either does not literally hear me, or he is ignoring me"...He knows what is best, I don't know shit.  He is in denial that he fucking can't hear shit.

He asked me to help him with his finances, to get them in order, I did all I could do, but then I have to get involve with his finances and every time I brought up anything to do with his paying or not paying bills, he gets angry and mad at me....So, I no longer have anything to do with his money.

Second, he forgets everything...blame it on the gabapentin or old age, but he forgets.  I got him a little pocket notebook, to jot down things he wants or needs to do, or buy, every time he thinks of it...then to look at that little pocket notebook, in the day, to see what he needs to do or buy or whatever....He is suppose to keep it on him, like his wallet and cell phone...but, he put it in his car....does no fucking good in his car...

what is he going to run down to his car every time he needs to jot something down?  NO....but when I asked him about the notebook, he got all mad, stormed down to his car...stormed to the store, and completely made me feel like the villain, because I am trying to help him reduce his stress...he forgets shit all the time....

I mention something I need done or whatever,  and I will say "its not important, it can be done later", but he jumps up and starts doing whatever I need done...even after I say, its no hurry....this makes me feel guilty and that I am nagging.

Now I feel like a nagger and as soon as I snap my fingers he is suppose to jump...I DO NOT FEEL THAT WAY AT ALL...because I need help with something, does not mean I am nagging...

We are going down hill so fast, I am losing sight of the road.  We literally cannot talk anymore.  Even when I am talking, he is already in his head planning and thinking about his response, before I am even finished talking.  When I tell him a story or memory or something that is happening today or happened today...he is in his head already to gloss over what I said, for his day, his memories or his ideas.  He never comment's to me or remarks about what I just said or describe.

He has to one up everything I say....If I say "crunchy cereal is gross", he will say "my kids loved crunchy cereal"..."I like captain crunch"...or something like that...he will never say "why do you think crunchy cereal is gross"?   My conversation, will turn to his conversation, his ideals and theories and scientific reasoning as to why "crunchy cereal" is actually good...again, making me feel insignificant.

If I make a comment about something, he returns a comment that disqualifies my comment.  He lets me know that his intelligence is way more advanced than mine...he always wants to be a "teacher", he will even try and read to me out loud what I am already able to read...like instructions on a phone, ATM or anything like that...I mean, "I am not an idiot, I can read and understand some things"...but he is constantly being my "teacher, father, professor".  I feel like he thinks I am such an ignorant person, that my hand has to be held for everything.  

Maybe that is my fault.  There are so many things I cannot do, because of my size and stature, and my level of intelligence...and I have to ask for help, but he tries to do things even when I am not asking for help, he assumes I can do nothing and he has to help me do every thing and by doing that, he makes me feel like an idiot.

I miss him all day, when he is at work.  But then, when he is here, we just argue and give each other the silent treatment.  He might as well never come over.  As soon as I open my mouth, I am silenced by him.

I have learned one thing.  He is the man.  He is the smart one.  He is the one that is fucking perfect and can take care of himself.  He does not need me to help him remember things...He does not need my suggestions.  He does not need me to tell him to throw shit out, if he wants to keep and hoard every damn thing...then fine.  He does not need me to teach him how to dress or groom himself...He lived all these years without me telling him, he needs to shave or whatever...

Kevin has no need for a woman in his life.  He is self-sufficient.  He is the boss.  He can take care of his own shit.  No woman can be in his life, if that woman has an opinion about anything that might pertain to him.

I am so fucking sick of fighting with him all the time...we are simply not compatible.  I am not as fucking intelligent as him, so anything I say is gonna sound stupid and ignorant....I like things nice and in order, he likes chaos and mess...I like paying bills on time and in full, he likes robbing Peter to pay Paul....I like a clean smokefree car, he lives in his car and doesn't give a shit if its full of trash, ashes and cigarette butts.  I like to make plans, he likes to do whatever, he does not like to make plans.  I hate TV, he loves TV.   He is a procrastinator, I am definitely not one.   He loves Youtube, watching videos and playing with electronics...I hate all that.  I am very anal about turning off lights, and not wasting electricity..he could care a less if every light and appliance is on all day long....

We are just too different.   We will never make it.   I will either drive him away, or he will drive me away...

Keep her out

 When a child is born, there is a responsibility with life to do certain things:

Grow and learn, 

get a job, contribute to the economy

have children:  procreate

Be productive, innovative and add to knowledge

be environmentally literate and help with the environment for future generations.

Leave a legacy of hope, courage and inspiration, to pass on to newer generations..

Be a productive member of society, and serve your country with honor and justice..

BUT:  that is for normal people.

for those of us who are not normal, then what?

All we can do is procreate and try and be law abiding and economically productive...but that falls short, time and time again.

Especially with DID.  

DID has gotten me fired from jobs...

DID has gotten me fired from volunteer organizations..

DID cost me a marriage, and subsequent snub from my kids..

DID has cost me friendships..

The knowledge that I have DID has even shattered who and what I thought I was...

I am not a mother,

I am not a friend,

I am not a volunteer or employee

I am not a church goer

I cannot understand even the simplest of things

I am confused and frustrated all the fucking time

My head is always a fucking hurricane of conflicting thoughts and emotions to the point of driving me literally crazy...

If I open my mouth up to anyone about my DID, then I am looked at differently, I am looked at with pity...or the person wants to know about the abuse...which I will not share, with anybody.

When I try to use my experience and limited knowledge to help others on videos...the door is slammed shut, why?  because our videos are not circus side shows...that is saved for Tic-Toc.  If getting more viewers and subscribers depends on "entertaining the audience with switching and "freak" behavior...then fuck that shit.  I will not fucking fuel the desires of others, to see the freak.  

When I watch other DID videos where the host, lets their alters come and go on their channels...it does appear that it is all fake..even though I know that they edit and film at different times, and permission is given by the alter to be on camera, it still comes across as fake and theatrical... I WILL NOT DO THAT...

I understand the editing of such videos, but the public does not. They just see a person talking then all the sudden that person has switched and it now becomes a circus side show....I don't understand why other channels have no problem "displaying" their alters...for the world to see....I have not seen even one that by doing or allowing an alter to be on camera has taught anyone anything...I am fucking ashamed that Tessa even filmed herself...I am beyond embarrassed that her video is part of our Youtube series...in fact, I need to delete it.

DID is a serious, private condition...it is not for the mass population to see...

I am ashamed to have this condition.  I am ashamed for people who are close to me, or who actually know me as either Melissa or Sparrow, to know that I have this fucking condition.

I am ashamed to have a little, especially.  A grown ass woman, acting like a 6 yr old child at times...fuck is that shit???  I am most ashamed of Ally...the rest are adults, and present as adults...

Having a child alter is humiliating, degrading and ugly.  I look retarded.  Brain damaged...I fucking hate the fact that I have goddamn barbie dolls and childrens toys in my home and in Kevins home...I want to toss them all in the fucking garbage, or give them away to "actual" children.

GROW UP ALLY.  IF YOU CANNOT GROW UP, THEN FUCKING LEAVE MY HEAD....AT LEAST LET ME HAVE SOME SIMBLANCE OF ADULT NORMALCY...YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING LITTLE GIRL...YOU ARE A 61 YEAR OLD SENIOR ADULT.  YOU ARE NOT A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever baggage you are carrying that is keeping you a fucking baby, spit it out....vomit all the shit you are holding, and then grow the fuck up...nothing will shock me anymore...i am numb to feeling anything new, no matter the memory.  

SPIT IT OUT OR GROW UP OR FUCKING LEAVE....LILLY, YOU CREATED HER, FUCKING DESTROY HER.  AT THE VERY LEAST, DO NOT LET HER OUT, EVER!!!!!!!!!

Lilly, if you really are a gatekeeper...then keep Ally out, do not let her in.  She does not have my permission.  

S, and whoever the fuck else has helped me pen this.

FUCK MY LIFE

 I am so tired of feeling useless.  

I cannot understand nor comprehend all these new computers and apps...I am too fucking stupid to be able to learn that shit.

I have tried to volunteer at various places, but after filling out the application "to volunteer",  I am ghosted....

I cannot even be a volunteer, anywhere.

So day after fucking day, I just sit in this goddamn apartment waiting for Kevin to get off work, so I can have some sort of human interaction.

There is literally not a damn thing for me to do everyday...my apartment is clean, my animals are on a routine, and I take care of them, but I fucking need to feel "needed" or "wanted"....

I do not feel either.

I had a sense of accomplishment and a "work" type mindset, when we were filming...I felt like I was "helping" and contributing to society....but in reality, I am nothing, but an oddity.  Our videos are nothing but shit.  Just go watch Tic Toc, people are entertained by that, no one wants to learn "real DID'...so sweep it under the rug.

We no longer film, so even that sense of "doing something constructive" has now left the building.  In a sense, I have been fired from Youtube...that is how I feel.

Kevin really has no interest in filming anymore....there is nothing left to say or film about.   2 years of filming,  my whole disorder summed up in only 2 years....

I do not belong in Virginia.  I do not belong anywhere...there is nowhere for people like me...I am an outcast, an oddity and a fucking freak.  My life is useless...just like DID, useless.  There is not a damn thing positive about DID, it is not curable...it is ugly, confusing and a fucking nightmare....I can have no friends...I can have nothing, because of this mental disorder.  

What is my life?  Sitting around, cleaning a clean house, taking care of my pets, and cleaning up around the apartment.  That is it...that is all I am good for....sad.

I am not even good enough to be a dog walker....Saint Frances Service Dogs posted for a dog walker volunteer...I volunteered for that over 5 mos ago...nothing....not a goddamn thing...so that tells me, I am not even worthy to walk a fucking dog.

WORTHLESS,  STUPID, IGNORANT, UGLY PIECE OF HUMAN SHIT.  THAT IS SPARROW...

I have no purpose in life,  I have no fucking purpose at all.  How am I suppose to live with the knowledge that I am not even good enough to walk a fucking dog?

PRETTY GODAMN USELESS....

I HATE MY LIFE...BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE...WHAT AM I?  WHO AM I?  WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH MY DAY?  I HATE TV, I REFUSE TO SIT IN FRONT OF A GODDAMN TV WATCHING ALL THE SHIT THAT IS ON THERE...

FUCK FUCK FUCK MY LIFE...

Safe from me

 We tried to do a video yesterday, a continuation of the "relationship" series.  The topic was going to be about texting and blogging and instant messaging.  

When I, Sparrow, am upset or angry, I will send a text to Kevin...but the text will not only say "what sparrow wants to say", but my alters will contribute to the conversation, and most times they do not sign their names, so everything written out is perceived to be from me, Sparrow.

When in fact, it may be multiple alters saying their piece, or giving their opinions,  they now feel like they have the freedom to do and say whatever they want...

This causes Kevin to get angry, it embarrasses me and frustrates me to no end...They, the alters, have no fucking right "hurting" someone with their words.   Kevin gets angry, because they can be downright mean...AND HE HAS NEVER GIVEN THEM A REASON TO BE MEAN TO HIM.

I am now paranoid to text or speak with anyone, unless it is a very generic post.  I cannot talk to anyone about "how I feel", or "what is going on around me" or anything, because then my heart will get upset and out will pop 7, to sabotage my conversations so I will not have to deal with being hurt......because any friend, or close friend I have ever had, has left me....now I know why...its because of the fucking alters.

Before when I would lose friends, I just told myself, "well they really weren't that good of friends to begin with" so I would just blow off their leaving me, as okay.   

But now I know the real reason I don't have friends...its because of them....the alters...they DO NOT WANT ME TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

So be it.  I am removing myself from ever even trying to make friends.  I will just be an acquaintance only.  I am pulling back, and I am doing this to save them the heart ache of my alters pissing them off...it will save them the "confusion", why would she say that?  Why would she do that?...if I do not have any friends to actually talk real talk, too, then they are safe...safe from the monster that I am...

And, I am safe from having to apologize, explain, or make it better.

S

that is all.

 I don't have much to say today except that "I HATE HAVING DID."...

I am so fucking angry at my parents, they ruined me.

that is all.

s

Donkey Dic sucker neighbor

 Just over 4 yrs ago, I was coming home late at night.  It was pouring down rain and my street has no street lamps, so it was dark, stormy and I wanted to pull up to my mailbox and grab my mail.  But the neighbor next door to the mailboxes had his big blue truck kinda in the way where I could not pull up and get my mail....I was brand new here and I thought his truck was too close to the mailboxes.  So I left a note on his truck, asking if he could "please not park so close to the mailboxes"....that was it, 4 yrs ago.

The kid who owned the truck yelled at me, and told me the laws about feet from the mailbox,  and threw a fucking fit because I left the note on his windshield.  Ok, maybe I should not have done that, but I knew by his reaction the "type of white trash fucking little dicks that live there"...so I ignore them.

about a year ago, we had a huge storm, and there was lots of flooding in the area basements...the day after the storm, the kid was outside smoking, and I just asked if they got flooded too (as I was checking my mail), and he said "yes", and I said our sheds flooded also.  It was a civil conversation, no malice and we both went our ways.

Yesterday evening,  I was watching Kevin put on the rock rails from my balcony.  I noticed a big fat bald ass man come walking down the driveway...I said to Kevin, here comes some guy, I wonder what he wants?

He saw me on the balcony and started yelling and cussing at me for that note, that WAS LEFT 4 YEARS AGO.  He told me to stop talking to his son, that I was a bitch and needed to learn how to drive, yadadadadadad....he said I had no business talking with his son....THE FUCK???  I left my home one time yesterday, to take Boomer to the park, which I drive to...I never talked with anybody at all, except Kevin all day long.

That ignorant fat fuck, was accusing me of griping to his son about his truck...he does not even have that blue truck anymore...evidently someone was walking their dog, had issue with the son,  the son told his fat ass little dick dad that "I" was giving him more shit.

NO I WAS NOT....I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO HIS SON IN MORE THAN A FUCKING YEAR.  

The son, probably just assumed it was me, lots of little blonde women in this neighborhood...so dad charged over here with his fist clenched yelling and cussing and verbally assaulting me, he would not let me try and explain, or even tell me what had happened to piss him off....He yelled over Kevin, who walked right up to his face and told him "he was wrong and to get the fuck off my driveway"...I should have called 911 and filed a police report for verbal assault against this man....but Kevin said it would only make matters worse.  So, I did not call.

As the guy was walking off from Kevin, cussing and yelling, his parting words were "if she can't drive, then she needs off the road",,,again, going back to the note I left 4 yrs ago.

I was viciously verbally attacked by a guy more than 2 times my body weight...did that make his dick feel any bigger?????

Now,  I am definitely not safe here....Not only is my landlord a liar fucking perverted pissant,  now I have a neighbor that hates me for no goddamn reason...I do not even feel safe now walking to my mailbox because of that fuck ass redneck Trump supporting asshole.   

THE HITS KEEP COMING, AND I AM NOT ABLE TO DEFEND OR TALK FOR MYSELF...I WAS NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO CALL THE FUCKING POLICE...AGAIN, I AM BEING PERSECUTED FOR SOMETHING I FLAT DID NOT DO OR SAY......AGAIN A HAND WAS HELD OVER MY MOUTH.

If I see the kid again, without his daddy around, I am going to ask him why his dad came after me?   

I bet after the altercation, he went back, and his son knows he made the mistake of pointing the finger at me, but I am sure he is intimidated by his fat ass dad and would not admit that he was wrong.

Fathers like that, are monsters.  There is no woman in the house, and now I know why...NO FUCKING WOMAN IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD STAY WITH A FUCKING LITTLE DIC, BIG GUT, WHITE TRASH ABUSIVE IDIOT.

If that man, EVER, verbally assaults me again, OR steps foot on our driveway, Kevin be damned, I am calling the police and filing a police report of verbal assault against him.   I bet he already has a criminal record, giving the type of donkey dick sucker he is.....

So, day before yesterday, was so hard for me, because of trying to find a home and all the questions about moving....yesterday, the day was finally getting better for me, then along comes little dick to scream at me!

Once he got off my driveway and back into the street, I yelled at him from my balcony...the entire neighborhood had to have heard me, but I screamed this at him "YOU ARE A MOTHER FUCKER WITH A LITTLE DICK...SORRY PIECE OF SHIT."

Now I am curious as to just who confronted his son...because it was not me, and donkey dick sucker probably knows that now, but his little bitty dick and lack of balls will keep him from apologizing to me...men like that will never admit to any wrongdoing.  

I hope he has a heart attack and dies...piece of shit.

s, Sophee, 7

Neuro appointment

 I cannot get in to see a Neurologist until Oct 17!  I have to wait almost 2 full months just to get a doctor to explain my MRI results to me...

What and where are the osteomas?  Are they causing the new pain?

What is a sclerotic lesion T2?  What causes that?  What is the repercussions and what do I expect for the future of my brain with this lesion.

Why is a tumor growing on my bone???  It is not a meningioma (I still have all of those) Osteomas are bone tumors that grow on bones...what the fuck does that mean for the inside of my head?

My PA doc, referred to the osteomas as bone spurs...I googled bone spurs, and a bone spur is caused by repeated movement in a joint, usually spine, arms, legs...like that...nothing in my head has joints except for my jaw...so he is so wrong by saying that....

this is why I need a Neurologist to explain the facts, and future of my brain to me.....

So now I have to wait and let my imagination run wild with all the questions, symptoms and what the internet/google says about each of those aforementioned issues...

FUCK

S

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

she will not be okay...I have been dealing with her health issues for years,  I know her body better than she does....her pain is real,  and it is organic in nature.  I get aggravated when she is written off by her doctors...I am not happy with her doctor, here in Virginia, being so flippant with her about the results.  She constantly worries about her health, I do not understand why she keeps losing weight, that is not natural for her.  But not one doctor is addressing her weight loss issue...why not?

In Oklahoma, she had better doctors and better quicker access to specialist and testing.  Here in Virginia, she is lost and cannot get the help and medical attention she needs.  I feel she needs to go back to Oklahoma because of her medical issues...Virginia doctors are not helping her at all....

Tessa

 

Distractions

 Been trying to distract myself from the hell hole which is now my apartment.

Kevin and I are looking for another place to live...my landlord is a pervert and a fucking liar.  I will not stay here any longer.

I will miss this place and all my critters, but, I have to get out, it is no longer safe for me here.

I have been throwing myself into my jeep, doing mods and trying to keep my mind off of having to move.  Here are some pics of my distractions...

I also have rock rails, but they are not installed yet...

So this is my life, throwing myself into an object for distraction.

S

go away

 Fuck.  I am literally wasting away...I am eating more high calorie foods and this morning I weighed 93 pounds...I look like a drug addict or an anorexic.  

When anyone hugs me, all they feel are my rib bones and spine.  My legs look like fucking walking sticks, my arms are skinny and look pathetic.  I look pathetic.  I hate what people must think of me when they see me in public...and I am so fucking tired of people telling me "child you need to eat more."  REALLY, THAT THOUGHT HAS NEVER OCCURED TO ME.

My family doctor called, left a message...he said my MRI scans look good, that I have a couple of "bone spurs"....he did not mention the lesions or anything else.  A bone spur happens when joints rub together, like your spine, elbows, knees and feet...it is not in your head, there is no moving joints in the head....(except the jaw, and my tumors are in left frontal lobe...)

So, he was flippant to me, and made me feel even worse, it is making me doubt myself....I think he was trying to sound light to ease my mind...but he is a family doctor, he does not know shit about head tumors and sclerotic lesions and all that....so now I am frustrated again with a doctor blowing me off.....

Suppose to hear from the Neurologist to get an appointment.  That doctor will be able to explain all the results in a clear and concise way.

All I know is this, I am still losing weight, I do not sleep, my fucking head hurts all the damn time, my nerves are shot....and I take it out on Kevin.

I need to just go away.....leave VA and never come back, I think I need to go away and die in peace, without causing heartache for Kevin...He literally is watching me waste away and die....not fair.  He is not my husband...

I can't tell my family, they don't care anyway...in Oklahoma its all about the kids and my parents and I can go "fuck myself"...

Maybe that is what I will do....go and fuck myself....alone...

S, sophee

hurry up and wait

 I am all over the place....thinking about the new bone tumors, and lesion, not to mention the other multiple meningeomas...

My pain is worse, I am dropping things at least 5-6 times a day.  My ears will start ringing for no fucking reason...I am confused and frustrated almost all day long.

What is my future?  Will I end up like my mother?  Living in a nursing home with a fucked brain?

Kevin said he will be with me by my side through this....do I want him to be?

Maybe I should just go back to Oklahoma and let my family try and take care of me....I hate that Kevin is having to deal with this....he already deals with so much...and now this....

Do I want to see Kevin watch my mind deteriorate?  Do I want Kevin to see me in so much pain and agony and confusion, and frustration.  He will have to be babysitting me...do I want a fucking baby sitter??

Before I make any definite decisions about the course of the rest of my sorry life, I will see the Neurologist and get him to explain the results in actual human words, and not medical mumble jumble.

So I sit, and wait...hurry up and wait....fuck fuck fuck

S, 7