Rain

 Another sleepless night, because of the fucking pain in my head, it makes trying to sleep impossible.  I cannot take anything with codeine, no "cets", "dan"s, dones, anything ending with those letters, I cannot take.  They cause severe stomach upset, and I physically cannot throw up because of the "Nissen fundleplycations and and stomach surgeries...so I have to be very selective of drugs and food.

The only pain pill or medicine my body will not react negatively too is Demerol.   And Demerol is a very addictive pain med, and doctors really refuse to prescribe it.  I understand that totally...I do not want to become a "drug addict."  Been there, done that...even to the point of medical detox...

So for me, I have to suffer OR become addicted to meds.  What a fucking choice.

I feel like my whole life is "taking a knife to a gun fight"....its a loosing battle, and I am so fucking tired of life, so tired of fighting, so tired of everything...

I literally hate Kevin.  But the hate is because he can fucking sleep.  He can lay down and be asleep within minutes...that makes me hate him...I am so jealous of his ability to just fucking sleep...I am getting to the point that I hate anybody and everybody who can fucking sleep.

I know that I am not the only person in the world who suffers from Insomnia...I realize that...but, I am in the middle of that non-sleep club...

I dread bedtime...because I know that my body will not sleep, as much as it wants to, and I feel so fucking tired,  but once I lay down, my eyes shoot open and I cannot close them...I cannot fall asleep...

Last night, I sat on my balcony at 3:30, it was raining, and the rain was soothing, but even that did not trigger sleep in me....

So this morning at 6:30, I took a Xanax, gabapentin and melatonin. I slept less than four hours, and now I am awake.....even with those powerful drugs, they can't even give me 6 hours of rest...

Kevin is looking into sleep hypnosis....I hope he can hypnotize me to sleep....

I don't know, I feel helpless, useless, and inhuman....

S, Tessa

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What would it be like...

To have no pain

To sleep all night

To be important

To dream good dreams..

What would it be like:

To be happy

To be normal

To not be scared

To be healthy

To mean something

What would it be like...

To have all answers

To always be right

To be smart

What would it be like...

To go to sleep, and never wake up.

What would that be like?

sammy