Melissa

 Why do I keep waking up every morning?  I want to take after my grandfather...he went to sleep one night and never woke up..                                   

Why is it that every time I open my mouth, I am wrong?  

Why does my head scream one thing, but I cannot speak those words that are screaming in my head because they are not reality, they are fantasy words...and I am unable to clearly speak for myself.

I have an unrealistic ideal for a life.....for me.

So many of my needs, wants and desires are stupid and unrealistic...

This is brain damage.  My brain is damaged, DID minds cognitive thinking are all fucked up....my reality is my own....

So, I have to change.  I have to accept that the few things in my life that mean the most to me, that I crave, will never happen...so I have to somehow figure out how to live with disappointment.

Just like when I was married, what a fucking disappointment that was..and it was all because of ME.

my damaged brain, damages everyone around me....I guess I do not understand happiness.

Happiness is a four letter word.  Just like LOVE, just like LIFE...all four letter words that mean nothing, my LOVE and my LIFE mean nothing.

I will go back to being a "Stepford Wife", or "Stepford Woman"...I will smile and agree and be the robot everyone expects of me...I will no longer voice my "screaming needs" again.   

I will just silently rot in my emotions, just like I am rotting with these brain tumors and DID.   On the outside, I look fine, act fine, but on the inside I am dead.  All dead.

I will go back to being a people pleaser.  I will climb back into my shell and be "Melissa".

Sparrow aka Melissa......