My life is a fucking trainwreck. My health is ridiculous no matter how much I try and eat healthy, exercise, etc...my health continues to decline. I am now down to 94 pounds, despite eating as much as I can..my blood sugar levels will not stay in the normal ranges.
Why? Am I slowly dying? I have a brain MRI coming up, is my cancer worse?
I have been super stressed out because of my non-sleeping issue, but the last 3 nights I have taken Xanax and slept better. But should I just resign myself to having to take drugs to sleep...I guess I am going to let myself take drugs, so much for wanting to not become addicted again to pills......
Addiction vs sleep....what a fucking decision to have to make.
Also, I feel lost...I don't know where I belong, I don't know who I belong too, I feel like I am only going through the motions until death takes me...I have no joy.
I got new decals and bezels for my jeep....but, the joy of playing with my jeep is gone....I have no joy left.
Even all my critters are failing to make me smile...I take care of them now, just to have something fucking to do.
The days are so fucking long, when all I do is sit in my apartment, I cannot work, I cannot do a fucking thing. So I watch the clock all day until I can take a pill and go to sleep....
Every morning when I wake up, I am disappointed that I even woke up. I literally have nothing to live for.
I cannot have a relationship with anyone...I fucked up my marriage, I have fucked up every relationship I have ever had. Its all me, I blame no one, but myself. I have fucked up my relationship with Kevin too...
I just want to die.
S
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