Death by Insomnia

 So I have been fucking 96 pounds for 5-6 months now, I cannot seem to put on a fucking pound....then I had a "light bulb" moment...the reason I cannot gain weight is because....wait for it......I DON'T SLEEP.

I do not sleep, so in my restlessness I am burning calories, calories that I need to keep....

INSOMNIA is the source of my skinniness...I am convinced of that.  My normal weight is between 105-115, that is where I should be, I am 10 pounds underweight....I feel best at 110.   But where the fuck am I going to get 15 more pounds when I fucking cannot sleep?????

I did not get to bed last night until after 10 pm, which is VERY late for me as an early riser....I was exhausted and so fucking tired, I could not wait to snuggle in my bed and sleep......

But sleep would not come I got maybe a whopping 2 and half hours of intermittent snoozing but by 5:30/6 am I was wide awake.....so it doesn't matter how fucking tired I am, how fucking fatigued and tired my body is...my brain NEVER GETS TIRED...IT RUNS ALL THE FUCKING TIME...ALL THE FUCKING TIME.....

And I refuse to take Xanax every goddamn night just to shut my stupid ass fuck brain up.  I will not get hooked on pills again...I would rather just die of insomnia, than get hooked on drugs...

Is that even a thing?  Dying of Insomnia???  I am positive that my autopsy record will show, she died of INSOMNIA.....

My head hurts all the damn time, my ears are now ringing all the fucking time, I have new head pain, pain and pressure in an area that I have never had pain in before....and an MRI coming up in two weeks...

I think I am moving towards the end of my life...I am pretty sure, I will not make it but maybe another 2 yrs at best....

My life is essentially, for all intensive purposes, over.

S