contemplation

 So we are working on another video for You Tube.  The video is about my mother and her stroke and my feelings on the matter.  

Well the problem is, I feel one way about my mother, but my alters feel another way, and the conflict I am feeling is overwhelming.

Well you know the picture:  a devil on one shoulder and an angel on another shoulder, each telling you to do a different thing...well that is me, only I have and "angel on one shoulder, and 6 alters on another...6-1,  no wonder I feel so conflicted...and trying to convey that on a film is so fucking hard.

I wrote out a script, but as I am reading the script, I am being flooded with thoughts and feelings that I cannot control or put in a place that I can talk about.  

This is an important video, because it speaks to the "abuse" from my mother, the hatred and neglect she gave me, but she is my mother...aren't I suppose to love her?

People with DID not only have to deal with their own thoughts and desires and needs to deal with, but we also have "alters" with needs and desires that are sometimes in direct conflict with the "host".  Its a tight wire act trying to keep everyone in a row...So, when a DID person has to make a decision, it often has to be made in conjunction with the alters...we have to have a group interaction.

Kevin talked with three of the alters and got their opinions about my mother,  so I do have the knowledge of what 3-4 of them think I should do or not do.  I have to take that into consideration when I make decisions, especially decisions that affect them, or could be harmful to me.....

So today, I will contemplate a video....so we will see if it comes to fruition....

S, Tessa