MRI Results

 

Not sure if ya can read these, don't know how to enlarge them...

Here are the results of the Brain MRI.  I have two new osteomas.  Which are tumors on the bone.  These are not the meningeomas...Also, I have "others" most likely scattered across my Left Frontal Cranium.

This is mostly medical mumble jumble....not uncommon to have these types of tumors...but I also have Sclerotic Intensity Foci....whatever the fuck that means....

I have a 0.85cm Osteoma on the T1, and an abnormal Sclerotic lesion 1.4cm both on the left frontal lobe.  Scattered smaller tumors in three different other images, most likely the meningeomas, I think.

Restricted diffusion and/or vasogenic edema

The bone tumors if they are on the outside of the skull, they will grow outward and can be removed more easily, if they are on the inside of the skull, that is a  fucking problem.  I think this is the new pain I am feeling on the top of my head (even at times it hurts to touch my scalp in that particular area),  I can't tell if its growing out or growing in-my skull....sigh

So,  I will do a follow up with my doctor about what I should do next.  Sometimes vasogenic edema accompanies older people with dementia...again, sigh....

Not sure how to react...I need a doctor to read me these results in a way that I can understand...geesh

S, T

MRI test and MOM

 I have not posted in a couple of days.  As I stated earlier I had a brain MRI coming up....it had been 5 years since my last scan.  I stopped having them as my tumors are inoperable.  But, Kevin, wanted me to have them checked...so....I made the appointment and I had to wait 3 mos for the scan.

The scan was scheduled for 5:30 pm.  Because of my severe hyglycemia, they said I could have a light breakfast between 6-7 am.  So I ate a little breakfast.

They called me at 1:30 to see if I wanted to do the scan earlier in the day, I said I couldn't because I had eaten breakfast...like they said I could.  The center said, oh okay...I had over 10 hours before the scan so the slight breakfast would have already cleared my belly by 5:30 pm.

Almost immediately they called me back to cancel the scan and reschedule it because I had eaten!!!!!!!!  THE FUCK??? I was not going to wait another couple months for the scan...I told Kevin, and he hit the fucking roof...called them back and raised hell.   Long story short, they got another anesthesiologist to do the scan, and I had it done at 5:30 pm.

The scan itself was okay, they put me to sleep for the scan.  Now I am just waiting for the results.....

On another note,  my dad called.  My mother is now in a nursing home for dementia and Alzheimer's disease.   Her mind is pretty much gone now, since her stroke.   

Am I sad about this?  NO, what I am pissed about is that now, I will NEVER get any answers or an apology from her....and I know this sounds really tacky, but I hope she suffers mentally before she finally dies....I have been suffering mentally because of her abuse and bullshit since I was fucking born...NOW ITS HER TURN!!!

I have zero feelings for her.....I am glad she is locked up...now my dad can rest and sleep and try and get his own health back up...He is sad, of course, and misses her....don't really understand why as she was really shitty to him too!  oh well...not my problem. 

I guess I am just a heartless bitch.

S, T, 7

Journey

 I know that my last posts have been so "debbie downer"...I am sorry about that...This is my SCREAM space!

Yesterday, Kevin, me and Boomer took a long drive through the mountains and went hiking....being in nature is so therapeutic for me...I needed it, to get away, so bad.

Today, we are going Kayaking...being and floating on the water is also so fucking relaxing..

Tomorrow is my Brain MRI, I am trying real hard to not dwell on it, nothing I can do about the cancer, so I need to not think about it.  Being on the water will wash those "overthinking" thoughts away.

My dad called me, he is putting my mother in a nursing home for dementia patients...he caught her trying to go out the front door, naked.  He can't sleep, because of what my mother might do.  I am so worried about him.  I dont give a flying fuck about my mom, but my dad, I worry about.  He needs rest.

But I cannot dwell on my dad...this is his journey, not mine.  I can only give him love, and wish him well.  We all have our journeys to take.

S

Melissa

 Why do I keep waking up every morning?  I want to take after my grandfather...he went to sleep one night and never woke up..                                   

Why is it that every time I open my mouth, I am wrong?  

Why does my head scream one thing, but I cannot speak those words that are screaming in my head because they are not reality, they are fantasy words...and I am unable to clearly speak for myself.

I have an unrealistic ideal for a life.....for me.

So many of my needs, wants and desires are stupid and unrealistic...

This is brain damage.  My brain is damaged, DID minds cognitive thinking are all fucked up....my reality is my own....

So, I have to change.  I have to accept that the few things in my life that mean the most to me, that I crave, will never happen...so I have to somehow figure out how to live with disappointment.

Just like when I was married, what a fucking disappointment that was..and it was all because of ME.

my damaged brain, damages everyone around me....I guess I do not understand happiness.

Happiness is a four letter word.  Just like LOVE, just like LIFE...all four letter words that mean nothing, my LOVE and my LIFE mean nothing.

I will go back to being a "Stepford Wife", or "Stepford Woman"...I will smile and agree and be the robot everyone expects of me...I will no longer voice my "screaming needs" again.   

I will just silently rot in my emotions, just like I am rotting with these brain tumors and DID.   On the outside, I look fine, act fine, but on the inside I am dead.  All dead.

I will go back to being a people pleaser.  I will climb back into my shell and be "Melissa".

Sparrow aka Melissa......

going through the motions

 My life is a fucking trainwreck.  My health is ridiculous no matter how much I try and eat healthy, exercise, etc...my health continues to decline.   I am now down to 94 pounds, despite eating as much as I can..my blood sugar levels will not stay in the normal ranges.

Why?  Am I slowly dying?  I have a brain MRI coming up, is my cancer worse?  

I have been super stressed out because of my non-sleeping issue, but the last 3 nights I have taken Xanax and slept better.  But should I just resign myself to having to take drugs to sleep...I guess I am going to let myself take drugs, so much for wanting to not become addicted again to pills......

Addiction vs sleep....what a fucking decision to have to make.

Also,  I feel lost...I don't know where I belong, I don't know who I belong too, I feel like I am only going through the motions until death takes me...I have no joy.

I got new decals and bezels for my jeep....but, the joy of playing with my jeep is gone....I have no joy left.

Even all my critters are failing to make me smile...I take care of them now, just to have something fucking to do.   

The days are so fucking long, when all I do is sit in my apartment, I cannot work, I cannot do a fucking thing.  So I watch the clock all day until I can take a pill and go to sleep....

Every morning when I wake up, I am disappointed that I even woke up.  I literally have nothing to live for.

I cannot have a relationship with anyone...I fucked up my marriage, I have fucked up every relationship I have ever had.  Its all me, I blame no one, but myself.  I have fucked up my relationship with Kevin too...

I just want to die.

S

Rain

 Another sleepless night, because of the fucking pain in my head, it makes trying to sleep impossible.  I cannot take anything with codeine, no "cets", "dan"s, dones, anything ending with those letters, I cannot take.  They cause severe stomach upset, and I physically cannot throw up because of the "Nissen fundleplycations and and stomach surgeries...so I have to be very selective of drugs and food.

The only pain pill or medicine my body will not react negatively too is Demerol.   And Demerol is a very addictive pain med, and doctors really refuse to prescribe it.  I understand that totally...I do not want to become a "drug addict."  Been there, done that...even to the point of medical detox...

So for me, I have to suffer OR become addicted to meds.  What a fucking choice.

I feel like my whole life is "taking a knife to a gun fight"....its a loosing battle, and I am so fucking tired of life, so tired of fighting, so tired of everything...

I literally hate Kevin.  But the hate is because he can fucking sleep.  He can lay down and be asleep within minutes...that makes me hate him...I am so jealous of his ability to just fucking sleep...I am getting to the point that I hate anybody and everybody who can fucking sleep.

I know that I am not the only person in the world who suffers from Insomnia...I realize that...but, I am in the middle of that non-sleep club...

I dread bedtime...because I know that my body will not sleep, as much as it wants to, and I feel so fucking tired,  but once I lay down, my eyes shoot open and I cannot close them...I cannot fall asleep...

Last night, I sat on my balcony at 3:30, it was raining, and the rain was soothing, but even that did not trigger sleep in me....

So this morning at 6:30, I took a Xanax, gabapentin and melatonin. I slept less than four hours, and now I am awake.....even with those powerful drugs, they can't even give me 6 hours of rest...

Kevin is looking into sleep hypnosis....I hope he can hypnotize me to sleep....

I don't know, I feel helpless, useless, and inhuman....

S, Tessa

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What would it be like...

To have no pain

To sleep all night

To be important

To dream good dreams..

What would it be like:

To be happy

To be normal

To not be scared

To be healthy

To mean something

What would it be like...

To have all answers

To always be right

To be smart

What would it be like...

To go to sleep, and never wake up.

What would that be like?

sammy

You just know...

 I know my body.  I know each pain and ache I have, I know my limitations and I know when something is wrong, not normal.

This new pain and pressure in my head, is not "normal", it is not like the "normal" pain that I have from the tumors...this is in a different location and it is more pressure, than anything...like someone is pushing my head down, and trying to push open the top of my head and break out....

It used to be every once in a while, I would have this new weird pain, which caused me to seek medical advice from my doctor.

I have had to go to the emergency room for the pain...I was treated like I was just having a migraine....I WAS NOT!!!!!  I know my fucking body, they don't....

I still have two fucking weeks before my MRI....

I know something is seriously wrong...is it a new tumor?  Is is a different tumor?  Something else?

I am already preparing for the worst.   Its just like before the initial tumor was diagnosed...I knew something was wrong...I kept telling the doctor "it hurts, my head hurts"...I was diagnosed, Sinus infection, migraines, stress, everything but what was really going on...

This is where I am at today...I know something is wrong...but doctors want to brush me off as being "hysterical"....my ears are ringing almost everyday...that is NOT normal for me.....

Also,  I am having horrible issues with my blood sugar levels...is it because of what ever is going on in my head?  Or is it just age...?

Am I just being a hypochondriac? 

I feel like the pain could lead to a stroke or aneurism, that is how fucking bad it hurts....

I am scared, I don't want to have more tumors...I want to live and enjoy my life...but, dying is a part of living...I have lived 61 years, maybe that is all the universe has for me...

S, Tessa

911

 So this is what happens when your body does not get sleep.

Yesterday,  was an awful day.  I had only slept maybe 2 hours the night before...my body was tingling with exhaustion.   I tried a couple of times to take a nap, which was not productive, as my mind would not shut off...

Kevin and his son decided to go Kayaking.  I absolutely was too physically tired to go, so I said ya go...so they did...they came, loaded up the Kayaks and left for the cove.

I ate a peanut butter sandwich and decided to try and lay down.  Of course that did not work, so I got up and started cleaning the hutch for the guinea pigs.  As I was cleaning out the hutch, I felt my blood sugar falling.   It was in a free fall, I struggled to take my reading, and it showed I was at 31.  Normal is 100-140 for me...

that was all I remember....

Next thing I knew there were two paramedics standing over me in the kitchen.   I had no fucking ideal, I did not call them....evidently I had tried to eat ice cream, the ice cream container and a spoon was on the floor with me.  I vaguely remember "eat something"....I passed out, I guess.

I am so glad I left the sliding glass doors unlocked, that was how they got in, otherwise they would have broken a window, as I was laying on the floor.  Kevin came flying in the door after they were already here.  Evidently I had sent kevin the 31 reading on a text (which I do if it gets low and he is not with me), he tried to call me back, but...I was out of it, unconscious, so he called 911 from the middle of the lake!  I cannot even believe that he had cell service...there is NEVER cell service at the cove.

I refused to go to the hospital, the paramedics got my sugar back up to 205 before they left.....within 40 minutes of them leaving, my sugar had already dropped to the high 60's...it was going down again.   But Kevin was there and he got me some food to eat that was high protein.  Finally, we stabilized my insulin level....

He forced me to take a Xanax to sleep that night.   I finally slept, for about 6-7 hours....

It is already so hard for me to eat food, with all my stomach issues from many past major abdominal surgeries...which was the direct cause of my Type 2 diabetes.   I need to eat meat...the proteins in meat is what my body desperately needs, but I physically cannot digest red meat....so I am fucked.

The insomnia is a definite factor in my severe hypoglycemia. If I don't sleep, I cannot manage my blood sugar levels, its impossible.   

I also rapid switch when I am exhausted...my alters even go crazy....

The worse part about what happened yesterday, was that Kevins son saw it all....he must have been terrified....the last time him and his dad went to a house,  with an ambulance, they found our friend dead....then he sees his dad in panic mode, trying to get off that lake and to me, only to drive up and see an ambulance and me....fuck fuck fuck

I seem to always ruin his visits to his dad.....he already has to deal with so much drama with his mother, and he goes to his dads to get some relief and be with his father, and all he gets is more fucking drama with me.....

I feel so worthless....I am so tired, not just physically, but mentally too, I am mentally exhausted with trying to navigate my diabetes, insomnia and alters...my anxiety is through the roof.

EMSA told Kevin to buy a lock box and put my house key in it.  Then tell the fire department and whoever else the combination, in case this ever happens again.  The lock box will be on my balcony.

I am starting to realize that I cannot live alone.  I have to have a babysitter....but, Kevin and I cannot move in together because of my legal separation status and alimony.  I cannot live with anyone or I lose the spousal support.   But it is starting to become abundantly clear that I cannot live by myself anymore....my health is just to unpredictable....and this depresses me....

so pile on depression to go along with insomnia and diabetes and alters....

I just need to be locked up in a hospital for the rest of my pitiful life.

S,7

PS.  I am getting close to the end of my rope, and once I get there, I am letting go....

Death by Insomnia

 So I have been fucking 96 pounds for 5-6 months now, I cannot seem to put on a fucking pound....then I had a "light bulb" moment...the reason I cannot gain weight is because....wait for it......I DON'T SLEEP.

I do not sleep, so in my restlessness I am burning calories, calories that I need to keep....

INSOMNIA is the source of my skinniness...I am convinced of that.  My normal weight is between 105-115, that is where I should be, I am 10 pounds underweight....I feel best at 110.   But where the fuck am I going to get 15 more pounds when I fucking cannot sleep?????

I did not get to bed last night until after 10 pm, which is VERY late for me as an early riser....I was exhausted and so fucking tired, I could not wait to snuggle in my bed and sleep......

But sleep would not come I got maybe a whopping 2 and half hours of intermittent snoozing but by 5:30/6 am I was wide awake.....so it doesn't matter how fucking tired I am, how fucking fatigued and tired my body is...my brain NEVER GETS TIRED...IT RUNS ALL THE FUCKING TIME...ALL THE FUCKING TIME.....

And I refuse to take Xanax every goddamn night just to shut my stupid ass fuck brain up.  I will not get hooked on pills again...I would rather just die of insomnia, than get hooked on drugs...

Is that even a thing?  Dying of Insomnia???  I am positive that my autopsy record will show, she died of INSOMNIA.....

My head hurts all the damn time, my ears are now ringing all the fucking time, I have new head pain, pain and pressure in an area that I have never had pain in before....and an MRI coming up in two weeks...

I think I am moving towards the end of my life...I am pretty sure, I will not make it but maybe another 2 yrs at best....

My life is essentially, for all intensive purposes, over.

S

mommy is suffering

 So we got the "mother" video up.  I watched it on my big TV and it is so fucking weird seeing myself on the screen...it is almost an "out of body" experience.

In the video, I mentioned that I hope that my mom is remembering all the horrible things that she has done and said, and that they torment her in her silence!  Just like I have been tormented in my silence for over 50 years....

Well yesterday I called my dad to see how he was doing.  He is beyond tired...mom is back home...her speech is back, but her mind is still all over the place...my dad said that she will be fine one minute, then the next, she is screaming and yelling and cussing and telling him everything bad thing that had happened to her in her life...he said "I know she is just out of her mind and saying weird stuff"...

SHE IS NOT OUT OF HER MIND...SHE IS FINALLY SCREAMING OUT LOUD...SHE GOT HER VOICE BACK AND SHE IS SUFFEREING IN HER MEMORIES...AND SHE WANTS HER DAD TO SUFFER TOO.

I wish he would record her "rants"....because I think they would help me to better understand her, and that it would clear up alot of confusion I have about memories...I do not think any of what she is now saying is false....she is not "out of her mind"...she is reaping the harvest that she has sown her whole life.  GUILT

GOOD, I HOPE SHE THINKS ABOUT HER, I HOPE SHE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING SHE DID TO HER, EVERY TIME SHE TURNED HER BACK ON THE ABUSE...I PRAY TO WHATEVER GOD THERE IS OUT THERE, THAT SHE FEELS GUILT, I WANT HER TO SUFFER EMOTIONALLY AND PYSCHOLOGICALLY, JUST LIKE SHE HAS SUFFERED ALL THESE FUCKING YEARS...I HATE HER.

if that makes me a bad daughter, then so be it.  I am glad she is so fucking miserable right now...GOOOD

s, SOPHEE

contemplation

 So we are working on another video for You Tube.  The video is about my mother and her stroke and my feelings on the matter.  

Well the problem is, I feel one way about my mother, but my alters feel another way, and the conflict I am feeling is overwhelming.

Well you know the picture:  a devil on one shoulder and an angel on another shoulder, each telling you to do a different thing...well that is me, only I have and "angel on one shoulder, and 6 alters on another...6-1,  no wonder I feel so conflicted...and trying to convey that on a film is so fucking hard.

I wrote out a script, but as I am reading the script, I am being flooded with thoughts and feelings that I cannot control or put in a place that I can talk about.  

This is an important video, because it speaks to the "abuse" from my mother, the hatred and neglect she gave me, but she is my mother...aren't I suppose to love her?

People with DID not only have to deal with their own thoughts and desires and needs to deal with, but we also have "alters" with needs and desires that are sometimes in direct conflict with the "host".  Its a tight wire act trying to keep everyone in a row...So, when a DID person has to make a decision, it often has to be made in conjunction with the alters...we have to have a group interaction.

Kevin talked with three of the alters and got their opinions about my mother,  so I do have the knowledge of what 3-4 of them think I should do or not do.  I have to take that into consideration when I make decisions, especially decisions that affect them, or could be harmful to me.....

So today, I will contemplate a video....so we will see if it comes to fruition....

S, Tessa

July 4th means nothing.....

 I am so over the July 4th holiday.  It is suppose to be a celebration of our independence from Britain..the forming of our great nation.

But today, there is no independence.  Especially if you are poor, black or a minority, not christian, democrat or gay.

These people are shot at, discouraged, bullied, denied medical help, told they are going to hell .   The republican christian right has declared war on its very citizens.   Gays, minorities, women, athiest, LGBQ and non-republicans are being sacrificed.  

Their rights are being taken away by the supreme court and the states.  We are not a "free country",  Our country is teetering very close to the brink of another civil war.  But this time, it won't be over slavery, it will be over anybody who is not part of the far-right republican agenda, Trump supporter assholes, or those advocating for a National religion.

Look at all the fucking mass shootings?  Are we already in a civil war?  I say yes...the bullied, the hurt, the poor, the discouraged and discontent, the anger of people in our Nation is coming out through shooting.   

Everyone wants to blame guns or mental illness.  I blame the US Government and the christian right.  Our coins say "In God we Trust"...it does not specify, "In the christian god, we trust"...so God is whatever a person decides....Allah is God, Buddha is God, every religion has their own interpretation of God.

So for the government and the Religious Right, to push a christian god on citizens of United States, is taking back our "freedom of religion"...we are free to worship whatever the fuck we want...a door nob, a cat, a chair, whatever gives you peace....

Our country is moving towards Socialism, and away from Democracy...

The constitution is being interpreted now to fit the government and the far right agenda....the constitution is being torn up.

If you are not rich, socially connected, and christian...you are not an American....not anymore, you are a minority and are treated as such.  How sad is that?   

So the fourth of July is a fucking sham holiday, it means nothing anymore....sad.

S