Nutshell

 I am trying so hard to be "sad" for my moms stroke...but I just flat do not feel any sadness towards her.  I am sorry that she had the stroke, strokes are serious and now my dad is going to have to take care of her...right on the heels of him almost dying in March...

I talked with him last night.  He is not sleeping well, he is at the hospital with mom, he is still recovering from his near death experience, he is overwhelmed and he flat out told me "I do not want to have to take care of her"...not because he does not love her, but because he, himself, is tired, still recovering and exhausted with trying to live...He has no memory of being in the hospital for over a month, he has no memory of his sepsis or gangrenous gall bladder, he has no memory at all...but he physically feels the impact it had on his body, and now he is going to have to put himself aside to take care of her.......but when he was sick, in the hospital and rehab, it was my sister and brother that took care of him, not my mother!  She is useless, just lays around all day sleeping, and staying up all night..she does not cook or clean...that was all my dad...

My dad said "well she took care of me when I was sick, now it is my turn to take care of her"...but SHE DID NOT TAKE CARE OF HIM.  She was physically there, but the lazy ass she is, hardly did anything at all....it is about her...always about her...and fuck anybody else.

So,  my feelings are all over the fucking map.  I am sure that my sister will fly to OKC, try to take over, and then berate me for not being there...as she did with my dad (even though when he was sick, I was very sick also with pneumonia), but that did not matter to her...she is a bitch, her and my brother are no longer speaking because of her attitude when taking care of my dad...the family drama she brings is ridiculous, selfish and self-serving.  

I know that my dad would love for me to be there,  and I want to be there, but the sad fact is, I cannot be there.   I cannot pretend to really care what happens to my mother...I long sense stop caring for her...she is my hugest Trigger...none of my alters like her either, so it makes it even harder for me, Sparrow...

My family now is aware of my DID, most of them anyway, except for my kids...and despite knowing about it, I am ignored and treated as if I am a "singlet"...no one can or will even try to understand my position on my mom...they deny my DID...and that hurts me so much...

How can they deny me?  Its because of my mother, that I even have this fucking disorder...and I am the bad guy???  Forgive and forget??? NO FUCKING WAY...I CAN'T FORGET, I LIVE WITH DID, I LIVE WITH ALL THE MEMORIES THAT WON'T GO AWAY, I LIVE WITH A MENTAL DISORDER DIRECTLY CAUSED BY MY PARENTS, AND I AM THE ONE AT FAULT?  FUCK THAT...

FUCK MY MOM, WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS TO HER, I DON'T CARE...I JUST FLAT DO NOT CARE...LIVE OR DIE, IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME.  SHE HAS BEEN DEAD TO ME FOR OVER 30 YRS...

So why am I so conflicted inside?  I am not sleeping,  my head hurts so bad I want to bash it up against a wall....I feel guilty for not caring about my mom, I feel guilty for hating her,  I feel like a horrible daughter because I don't care...Am I a horrible person?  Who in their right mind would wish "harm" to their parents?  Should I be sad for her now?  I am not sad, I am angry....she had a stroke, her speech is fucked up, her memory is fucked up...there will never be any type of closure for me, never an apology from her, never an acknowledgement of her guilt in my DID...NOTHING...

Again, I am left out dangling in the wind...with no ending chapter to wrap up the story of my life....there is no The End, or Happily Ever After for me....

All I ever wanted from my mother was for her to "ask me to forgive her for everything that happened to me.  To admit her guilt, to say she loves me and she is so sorry..."  She asked god to forgive her, and she said that is enough....but she didn't ask me for forgiveness...my dad said "to shut up, never speak of the past again", and "forget the past, we all make mistakes"....REALLY????

The mistake he is referring to is me, the mistake was "that my mother did not abort me"...that was her biggest mistake,  and I am sure she regrets that decision to this day.  sigh

So,  there it is.   My existence in a nutshell....Damned if I do, and damned if I don't....

S, Sophee