No sleep for the wicked

 It is getting harder and harder for me to sleep....I know, my age old gripe and bemoanment.....but fuck, I want to sleep so bad....I see my advocate sleeping, snoring, and I get so fucking jealous and envious to the point I don't want him sleeping here, rubbing the fact that HE can sleep without trouble, almost like he is showing off...fuck

I have a script for Xanax...that is the only thing that will fucking shut my mind up so I can sleep....but that is addictive and I don't want to have to take a fucking pill to sleep for the rest of my life.  I have been drug addicted, medically detoxed, and I don't want to go back to addiction....

Last night, I took a melatonin, 400 mg of gabbapentin, one tablespoon of a high dosage CBD syrup, a sinus pill and anxiety med, plus smoked some weed...by the time I made it to my bed, I was so fucking tired my body was tingling and I knew that I would fall asleep...but 2 1/2 hours later I was still awake...still fucking awake, even with those meds in my tiny 97 pound body...so I took a Xanax and finally went to sleep for about 6 hours....

GODDAMN FUCKING XANAX...GODDAMN FUCKING HEAD

I have done everything to try and sleep...every suggestion by sleep experts, black out curtains, white noise, rain sounds, comfortable bed, staying away from my cell...drank warm milk, sex...you name it, and still I fucking cannot turn my head off....those goddamn fucking alters will not shut the fuck up and go to sleep...they run rampant in my brain, shooting thoughts and making me miserable...a couple of the alters sleep, but the rest do not...they said they do not sleep, because sleeping is a precursor to abuse and torment....

I have asked my advocate to look into "sleep hypnosis"....that is the only fucking thing I have not tried to sleep....

When I was living at home, (before marriage)and would gripe about not being able to sleep, my mom would say "its because you have sin in your life, you are feeling guilty".....then after I was married, my husband said the exact same thing to me....so, I even tried praying before sleep, "God, please forgive me of any sin that I am not aware of, please help me to sleep".....but of course, god was not listening because there fucking is no god.....but I gave it a shot anyway...like I said, I have tried fucking EVERYTHING to sleep.

My brain tumors are not in the "sleep" area of my brain, so its not organic in nature, this insomnia.   

I have never been able to sleep, not since I was a young child...the abuse I suffered as a child, in my bed trying to sleep, but being afraid of the bad man, kept me from sleeping....so my alters never sleep, they are always on guard...no matter how many times my advocate tells them, that I am safe, that we are safe, we are in a safe place, etc...but it doesn't make a goddamn difference to them....

I can get so sleep deprived, so desperate to sleep that I will take so many different drugs and supplements to force my body to sleep, I am petrified that I will overdose and die, all because I just want to fucking get a good nights rest....

Then other nights, I am like "fuck it" if I die, at least I will sleep, and sleep forever................................

S, sophee

PS  You might say, well try sleeping without any outside help...no drugs, no nothing...I have tried that too, and I will just fucking pull an all nighter, because then I am not even tired or fatigued....so that does not work either.