MRI

 I had made the decision to not have any more brain MRIs, my last one was in 2016 and I had 10 brain tumors, meningeomas.  Its been 7 years, so I have no ideal how many more I have, or if they are growing larger...

The past couple of days, I have been having extreme pressure on the top of my head, like someone is inside pushing the crown as hard as they can, it doesn't hurt like a sharp stabbing wound pain, it is a dull ache with intense pressure and followed by dizzyiness.

This is NEW!  

So I have broken down and decided to have the MRI done.  But to do the particular scan I have to get,  I have to go into the old school long enclosed MRI machine.  They put a mask thingy on my head and then secure it to a table...I cannot move...the machine is extremely loud and loud noises,  my head being secured to a table, is a PTSD attack in the making...which is why I have to be put to sleep...It is a long ordeal, and very hard for me....

I am getting nervous just thinking about it, and it is not even scheduled yet....fuck

The unknown in my head is crazy...what is going on?  do I have a new more dangerous tumor?  what will happen to my life now?  will I die soon?  will I have to have some type of surgery?  fuck.....

I have never in my life been a "glass is half full" kinda girl, the glass is always half empty...I have never had "hope", it has always been "dread"...

And just when I am starting to feel safe and enjoy my life...I am threatened with losing my beloved treehouse, I am bullied out of a jeep group I loved being a part of, and now this fucking brain MRI and new symptoms....sometimes I feel I was never meant to have a life, a happy fulfilled life...

The unknown is terrifying...

S

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Besides Lilly, I am the only one who knows and understands about the brain tumors.  I know she is scared, frankly her brain tumors affect all of us...none of us want to be sick or die.   I usually deal with all her medical issues, and I will deal with this one too.  I do not blame her for having brain tumors or any other illness.  I know it is out of her control and out of mine.

Tessa

Tessa