Deny

 I have not blogged in awhile...my life right now is a fucking roller coaster....first all the fucking crap with the renovations downstairs, the repairing and rebuilding of the wooden staircase that leads to my apartment...the fucking "not knowing" who is going to move in next door to me since my landlord evicted them too....so my safe place is under fire and I am all freaked out about that...If I am forced out, I will miss my "pet" squirrels, raccoons, deer, all my critters...Who will feed my birds?  Who will feed my raccoons?  I fucking hate that I am unsure of my future living conditions...

Then, my fucking head is getting worse, the pain...so I have another MRI set up for end of July....I am dreading this procedure ...I decided to not have any more MRIs, but after 5 years, something is changing in my head and I guess I need to know....

Also, we have deleted our Sparrowism facebook page, and our sparrowisms twitter page.   And as far as filming, we are not going to film as often....this bothers me too....I came out of the closet with this DID...we have tried to use my mental condition to teach others, to expose them to the reality of DID, to educate on how DID is even formed....but no one really cares....thus deleting everything from social media.  It was the bravest thing I had ever done, by exposing my DID to the world, my friends and family, only to be ignored...so bravery is not chalked up to what it is suppose to be...all our efforts have back fired...so be it.

In doing this, I feel I am being pushed back into the closet.  No one wants to hear from me, or learn the facts about DID...so I will quietly go back into the closet and never mention or talk about my DID again.  In fact, in the future I may just fucking deny I have it....

I have asked my advocate to not even tell me when one of my girls are out...I don't even want to know, fuck that....I went years and years without knowing, so why should I fucking care now?

I have also put their, my alters, things out of sight...they know where their things are if they want them, but I just fucking don't want to be reminded every single day that I am a freak, a seven headed monster...so, I have no ideal when they are out, what they say or do, and I am fine with that.

I am so angry, quiet frankly, at my whole life situation right now...I have no security and I feel so "unsafe".....just like always...there is no safety, no safe place, no safe anything...not for me.

S, 7