No sleep for the wicked

 It is getting harder and harder for me to sleep....I know, my age old gripe and bemoanment.....but fuck, I want to sleep so bad....I see my advocate sleeping, snoring, and I get so fucking jealous and envious to the point I don't want him sleeping here, rubbing the fact that HE can sleep without trouble, almost like he is showing off...fuck

I have a script for Xanax...that is the only thing that will fucking shut my mind up so I can sleep....but that is addictive and I don't want to have to take a fucking pill to sleep for the rest of my life.  I have been drug addicted, medically detoxed, and I don't want to go back to addiction....

Last night, I took a melatonin, 400 mg of gabbapentin, one tablespoon of a high dosage CBD syrup, a sinus pill and anxiety med, plus smoked some weed...by the time I made it to my bed, I was so fucking tired my body was tingling and I knew that I would fall asleep...but 2 1/2 hours later I was still awake...still fucking awake, even with those meds in my tiny 97 pound body...so I took a Xanax and finally went to sleep for about 6 hours....

GODDAMN FUCKING XANAX...GODDAMN FUCKING HEAD

I have done everything to try and sleep...every suggestion by sleep experts, black out curtains, white noise, rain sounds, comfortable bed, staying away from my cell...drank warm milk, sex...you name it, and still I fucking cannot turn my head off....those goddamn fucking alters will not shut the fuck up and go to sleep...they run rampant in my brain, shooting thoughts and making me miserable...a couple of the alters sleep, but the rest do not...they said they do not sleep, because sleeping is a precursor to abuse and torment....

I have asked my advocate to look into "sleep hypnosis"....that is the only fucking thing I have not tried to sleep....

When I was living at home, (before marriage)and would gripe about not being able to sleep, my mom would say "its because you have sin in your life, you are feeling guilty".....then after I was married, my husband said the exact same thing to me....so, I even tried praying before sleep, "God, please forgive me of any sin that I am not aware of, please help me to sleep".....but of course, god was not listening because there fucking is no god.....but I gave it a shot anyway...like I said, I have tried fucking EVERYTHING to sleep.

My brain tumors are not in the "sleep" area of my brain, so its not organic in nature, this insomnia.   

I have never been able to sleep, not since I was a young child...the abuse I suffered as a child, in my bed trying to sleep, but being afraid of the bad man, kept me from sleeping....so my alters never sleep, they are always on guard...no matter how many times my advocate tells them, that I am safe, that we are safe, we are in a safe place, etc...but it doesn't make a goddamn difference to them....

I can get so sleep deprived, so desperate to sleep that I will take so many different drugs and supplements to force my body to sleep, I am petrified that I will overdose and die, all because I just want to fucking get a good nights rest....

Then other nights, I am like "fuck it" if I die, at least I will sleep, and sleep forever................................

S, sophee

PS  You might say, well try sleeping without any outside help...no drugs, no nothing...I have tried that too, and I will just fucking pull an all nighter, because then I am not even tired or fatigued....so that does not work either.

Grrrr, so sick of my mother

 I woke up this morning from a late night call and voicemail from my dad.  He was calling to tell me that my mother was doing better, but is still in rehab.  

I called him back this morning.  My dad, not even 5 months ago, almost died of sepsis and gangrene, he was hospitalized for over a month.  He is home but he is still recovering, and still has issues with brain fog and equilibrium....my mother had a stroke two weeks ago.  She is fine, except for her ability to speak clearly..the stroke affected her speech.  Thats it, other than that she is perfectly healthy for an 80 yr old woman...she is resting comfortably and getting round the clock care.....

My dad lives just across the street from the rehab center, every day he walks across the street and sits with her, all fucking day long...mostly she just sleeps and he sits there...

When talking to him this morning, he sounded so tired, so wore and beaten down...I am so worried about him, he is the one that is in more danger of relapse or dying..not my mother...

In Oklahoma the weather is suppose to get to 115 degrees today!  and my dad is out walking in this intense heat, just so my mom won't be alone...fuck that shit

I literally yelled at my dad "why would you risk your own health to walk across a street in this heat to sit with mom...stay home and sleep...get some rest...if you don't take care of yourself, then you will be of no use to mom when she comes home....but he said "I love her, and I need to do what she wants me to do, she wants me there".....

Seriously????? was she sitting at my dads side every day for over a month? NO SHE WAS NOT.  Once I called my dads phone and she picked up while in the hospital with dad, I asked her how she was doing and her reply "this is so hard for me"....well yes it is, because you are not the one that is being doted upon and cared for, you selfish bitch.

I said, "dad, she will understand that you need to rest and take care of yourself, she won't get mad"....he said "oh yes she will", "I have already been berated for not being there when she woke up"...

FUCK HER, GODDAMN IT FUCK HER SELFISH BITCH UNCARING ASS.

If my dad dies of heatstroke, or has a relapse of his heart, and dies, it will be directly because of my mother, my mother and her needs, her demands, her anger, her righteousness and sense of entitlement...She doesn't give a rats ass about anybody but herself.  

I fucking hate her.  OMGODDAMN I hate her....

I know that I was spitting in the wind when I told my dad to stay home, rest, sleep, eat, take care of yourself....because its all about my mother.   

Why is my dad scared of her anger?  She certainly cannot say the words in her head to cut you up with her knife=tongue,  his ears would be protected from her verbal attacks and cutting remarks...and if he can't stand the look in her eyes, then look away...fuck

He also told me that when she comes home she will have to have constant "babysitting" because she gets up and walks away, goes outside and just takes off....I think long before this stroke she has been developing dementia...her two older sisters both have it.  My dad does not want to be her babysitter.  He even bemoaned that he will never be able to leave her and go anywhere by himself or do anything except her.   

Funny side note:  my sister did not fly down to Oklahoma to be with our mother after our mothers stroke.  Hmmmmmmm, that speaks even volumns about how she feels about her own mother...

So, she will not be taking care of mom...david and his wife, are in OKC but also do not want to be caretakers of mom or dad...david does what he can, but he has a new wife and all that stuff...I certainly would not take care of my mother if she was the last person on earth...

So, my mom is alone.  Except for dad, she has no one...why? because of her holier than thou, poor pitiful me, condemning christian opinions and hateful comments to family and others.  Her negativity and refusal to accept others and her always "right" attitude...nobody wants to be with her...

I can tell you right now, that if my dad, Jim, was not married to her, he would not be killing himself to be with her...he feels a sense of obligation and christian duty....sucks to be him.

Even from my moms hospital bed, and even from her limited speech patterns, my mother continues to hurt others...fuck her

S,7,sophee

The List

 So I read an article that has 17 signs that someone has hidden trauma.

I met all 17 of those signs, sigh....but it is true, sad but true.  The one sign that screams at me all the time is "insecurity".  I am so fucking insecure, and I don't see that ever changing.

Another sign is lack of emotion.  When my mother had her stroke, I was like, "so what"...I could care less....she is my mother and I don't care if she lives or dies....how sad.

I don't like being the center of attention.

I try and be nice to everyone, a people pleaser.

and the list goes on and on....do I need therapy?  Probably, but therapy has never helped me...nothing has.

I doubt my friends, I doubt my advocate, I doubt their true feelings or intentions...and this is not substantiated, it is just me...for me, everyone has ulterior motives...

I have a very hard time with trust also....

My mind is always on overdrive...thinking, planning, working...my alters keep my mind on point and on guard all the fucking time...even when I am trying to sleep...so their "on point and on guard" affects my sleep.

I think I will always be an emotional retard.

S

Fly away baby birds...

 So, its pouring down rain!  Suppose to rain for the next 4 days...yay. NOT!

About three weeks ago, I noticed some Carolina Wrens (little tiny birds) were making a nest in a potted plant on my balcony.  I was thrilled and horrified by this, as there are raccoons and squirrels that are always wandering around on my balcony...I was sure they would kill the babies once the nest was complete and the eggs were laid.  

So, I put the table the plant was on, on top of another table, raised it up really high, then I moved all the furniture that was around the stacked tables...then I used shortening to smear all over the table legs and table top to discourage any climbing, I was trying to make it too slippery...I also started feeding the birds and squirrels from the opposite side of my balcony, the furthest point away from the tables.

The Wren laid 5 eggs.  So for the next 10 days, I watched as the eggs hatched and mom and dad feed them nonstop.  I took pictures of their growth..which did not seem to upset mom and dad...

On Saturday, I took a picture, there are four birds (the 5th egg did not hatch), they had feathers and were very vocal, I thought to myself, well in the next 3-4 days they will leave the nest.  On Sunday (the very next day), we went on a Jeep ride...when we got back home, the nest was empty!  No birds, no signs of struggle, just one lone egg in an empty nest.

I was so shocked and surprised!  When a bird leaves the nest, they just fucking leave...wow!  The birds could "double clutch" and lay more eggs in the nest...but really, I don't want them too, so I put the tables back to their original spots, I kept the nest in plant, maybe next year they will use that same nest...The egg, I placed in my container on my alter, with the raccoon skull...it now lays in a place of honor...the baby bird that didn't hatch.  sigh

The little egg with the red stripe, is the Carolina Wren egg that did not hatch...

On a side note, I found a tuft of raccoon hair embedded in some wood on my balcony, so I put that tuft of raccoon hair inside the mouth of this fully intact raccoon skull...don't know why exactly, I just felt lead to place the hair there....

So anyway, a little of my day in the life of critters!

S, 7

mommy has no voice

 So I have been thinking about my mom...I talked with my dad yesterday and the stroke she had, damaged the "speech" part of her brain.

Her brain is fine, she can think, and she tries to talk, but only gibberish comes out.  She can't "verbalize" what is in her head or what she is thinking...she is trapped in her own mind.....

I know that over time, she will have speech therapy and or her speech will slowly come back, but until then, she is not able to speak clearly.

Everything else is fine, her heart, everything...

So,  after all these years, she is getting to feel some of what I have been feeling my whole life...

I have had to "shut my mouth" about all the abuse...I have screamed and screamed in my mind "please hear me!!!!" but no one does...

Now my mother is screaming in her mind..."I wanna talk.." and she can't.  It is like Karma.  She is finally feeling some Karma for what she did to me.  She has so much to say, and cannot say it...

Like me...I have mountains and oceans of things to say, but I can't...there is a hand over my mouth....my mother now has a hand over her mouth...

How does that feel, mommy dearest?  How does it feel to want to scream out what you are feeling or thinking, and you can't??? That has been my entire life...

Screaming in my mind, with nothing coming out of my mouth...no voice..my mother, for now, has no voice..

GOOD...SHE NEEDS TO SUFFER, SHE NEEDS TO FEEL WHAT SPARROW HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH...

Now all she has is her mind...all she can do is think, and remember, I hope memories of my childhood flood her thoughts and drown her...like I have been drowned....

Sorry mommy, but not sorry.

S, Sophee

Nutshell

 I am trying so hard to be "sad" for my moms stroke...but I just flat do not feel any sadness towards her.  I am sorry that she had the stroke, strokes are serious and now my dad is going to have to take care of her...right on the heels of him almost dying in March...

I talked with him last night.  He is not sleeping well, he is at the hospital with mom, he is still recovering from his near death experience, he is overwhelmed and he flat out told me "I do not want to have to take care of her"...not because he does not love her, but because he, himself, is tired, still recovering and exhausted with trying to live...He has no memory of being in the hospital for over a month, he has no memory of his sepsis or gangrenous gall bladder, he has no memory at all...but he physically feels the impact it had on his body, and now he is going to have to put himself aside to take care of her.......but when he was sick, in the hospital and rehab, it was my sister and brother that took care of him, not my mother!  She is useless, just lays around all day sleeping, and staying up all night..she does not cook or clean...that was all my dad...

My dad said "well she took care of me when I was sick, now it is my turn to take care of her"...but SHE DID NOT TAKE CARE OF HIM.  She was physically there, but the lazy ass she is, hardly did anything at all....it is about her...always about her...and fuck anybody else.

So,  my feelings are all over the fucking map.  I am sure that my sister will fly to OKC, try to take over, and then berate me for not being there...as she did with my dad (even though when he was sick, I was very sick also with pneumonia), but that did not matter to her...she is a bitch, her and my brother are no longer speaking because of her attitude when taking care of my dad...the family drama she brings is ridiculous, selfish and self-serving.  

I know that my dad would love for me to be there,  and I want to be there, but the sad fact is, I cannot be there.   I cannot pretend to really care what happens to my mother...I long sense stop caring for her...she is my hugest Trigger...none of my alters like her either, so it makes it even harder for me, Sparrow...

My family now is aware of my DID, most of them anyway, except for my kids...and despite knowing about it, I am ignored and treated as if I am a "singlet"...no one can or will even try to understand my position on my mom...they deny my DID...and that hurts me so much...

How can they deny me?  Its because of my mother, that I even have this fucking disorder...and I am the bad guy???  Forgive and forget??? NO FUCKING WAY...I CAN'T FORGET, I LIVE WITH DID, I LIVE WITH ALL THE MEMORIES THAT WON'T GO AWAY, I LIVE WITH A MENTAL DISORDER DIRECTLY CAUSED BY MY PARENTS, AND I AM THE ONE AT FAULT?  FUCK THAT...

FUCK MY MOM, WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS TO HER, I DON'T CARE...I JUST FLAT DO NOT CARE...LIVE OR DIE, IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME.  SHE HAS BEEN DEAD TO ME FOR OVER 30 YRS...

So why am I so conflicted inside?  I am not sleeping,  my head hurts so bad I want to bash it up against a wall....I feel guilty for not caring about my mom, I feel guilty for hating her,  I feel like a horrible daughter because I don't care...Am I a horrible person?  Who in their right mind would wish "harm" to their parents?  Should I be sad for her now?  I am not sad, I am angry....she had a stroke, her speech is fucked up, her memory is fucked up...there will never be any type of closure for me, never an apology from her, never an acknowledgement of her guilt in my DID...NOTHING...

Again, I am left out dangling in the wind...with no ending chapter to wrap up the story of my life....there is no The End, or Happily Ever After for me....

All I ever wanted from my mother was for her to "ask me to forgive her for everything that happened to me.  To admit her guilt, to say she loves me and she is so sorry..."  She asked god to forgive her, and she said that is enough....but she didn't ask me for forgiveness...my dad said "to shut up, never speak of the past again", and "forget the past, we all make mistakes"....REALLY????

The mistake he is referring to is me, the mistake was "that my mother did not abort me"...that was her biggest mistake,  and I am sure she regrets that decision to this day.  sigh

So,  there it is.   My existence in a nutshell....Damned if I do, and damned if I don't....

S, Sophee

nothing

 It starts a sprinkle

becomes a downpour

flooding everything

drowning 

always raining

always flooding

always drowning

no escape

nothing

Sammy

Hits keep coming...

 So the hits keep coming....

Last night my X husband called...he said that my mother has had a stroke.

My dad found her in the hallway on the floor, her mouth was misshaped and she was staring straight ahead, unable to talk....he took her to the hospital.   Did they give her the "stroke" meds?

I don't know how to feel about this new situation.  I have mixed feelings...

I have an alter, Sammy, who does not speak, ever...why? because she had a hand held over her mouth and told if she speaks, her family will die...

The horror of that situation, wanting to talk, to scream, but can't.  Is my mother feeling that terror right now in her mind?  How does it feel mommy dearest?????

I was unable to go and be with my dad when he got so sick earlier this year, I was sick also and could not go....now, I am not sick....do I need to go back to OKC?  Does my dad need me?  I am so confused, conflicted and just plain fucked up right now....

I hate my mother, I love my mother....fuck

S

Deny

 I have not blogged in awhile...my life right now is a fucking roller coaster....first all the fucking crap with the renovations downstairs, the repairing and rebuilding of the wooden staircase that leads to my apartment...the fucking "not knowing" who is going to move in next door to me since my landlord evicted them too....so my safe place is under fire and I am all freaked out about that...If I am forced out, I will miss my "pet" squirrels, raccoons, deer, all my critters...Who will feed my birds?  Who will feed my raccoons?  I fucking hate that I am unsure of my future living conditions...

Then, my fucking head is getting worse, the pain...so I have another MRI set up for end of July....I am dreading this procedure ...I decided to not have any more MRIs, but after 5 years, something is changing in my head and I guess I need to know....

Also, we have deleted our Sparrowism facebook page, and our sparrowisms twitter page.   And as far as filming, we are not going to film as often....this bothers me too....I came out of the closet with this DID...we have tried to use my mental condition to teach others, to expose them to the reality of DID, to educate on how DID is even formed....but no one really cares....thus deleting everything from social media.  It was the bravest thing I had ever done, by exposing my DID to the world, my friends and family, only to be ignored...so bravery is not chalked up to what it is suppose to be...all our efforts have back fired...so be it.

In doing this, I feel I am being pushed back into the closet.  No one wants to hear from me, or learn the facts about DID...so I will quietly go back into the closet and never mention or talk about my DID again.  In fact, in the future I may just fucking deny I have it....

I have asked my advocate to not even tell me when one of my girls are out...I don't even want to know, fuck that....I went years and years without knowing, so why should I fucking care now?

I have also put their, my alters, things out of sight...they know where their things are if they want them, but I just fucking don't want to be reminded every single day that I am a freak, a seven headed monster...so, I have no ideal when they are out, what they say or do, and I am fine with that.

I am so angry, quiet frankly, at my whole life situation right now...I have no security and I feel so "unsafe".....just like always...there is no safety, no safe place, no safe anything...not for me.

S, 7

Jeep Jam

 So we finally got to attend a Jeep event.  It had been so long,  we went to Jeep Jam...Jeep Jam last year was the very first Jeep event I ever attended...this year, it has grown in the number of Jeeps represented with every model of Jeep was on display.

The weather was perfect and we dodged all the rain!  Here are some pics of the event.

 

MRI

 I had made the decision to not have any more brain MRIs, my last one was in 2016 and I had 10 brain tumors, meningeomas.  Its been 7 years, so I have no ideal how many more I have, or if they are growing larger...

The past couple of days, I have been having extreme pressure on the top of my head, like someone is inside pushing the crown as hard as they can, it doesn't hurt like a sharp stabbing wound pain, it is a dull ache with intense pressure and followed by dizzyiness.

This is NEW!  

So I have broken down and decided to have the MRI done.  But to do the particular scan I have to get,  I have to go into the old school long enclosed MRI machine.  They put a mask thingy on my head and then secure it to a table...I cannot move...the machine is extremely loud and loud noises,  my head being secured to a table, is a PTSD attack in the making...which is why I have to be put to sleep...It is a long ordeal, and very hard for me....

I am getting nervous just thinking about it, and it is not even scheduled yet....fuck

The unknown in my head is crazy...what is going on?  do I have a new more dangerous tumor?  what will happen to my life now?  will I die soon?  will I have to have some type of surgery?  fuck.....

I have never in my life been a "glass is half full" kinda girl, the glass is always half empty...I have never had "hope", it has always been "dread"...

And just when I am starting to feel safe and enjoy my life...I am threatened with losing my beloved treehouse, I am bullied out of a jeep group I loved being a part of, and now this fucking brain MRI and new symptoms....sometimes I feel I was never meant to have a life, a happy fulfilled life...

The unknown is terrifying...

S

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Besides Lilly, I am the only one who knows and understands about the brain tumors.  I know she is scared, frankly her brain tumors affect all of us...none of us want to be sick or die.   I usually deal with all her medical issues, and I will deal with this one too.  I do not blame her for having brain tumors or any other illness.  I know it is out of her control and out of mine.

Tessa

Tessa