Why Kaos?

 I have not blogged in awhile.  I have been struggling with so many things.

My dad:  wanted a flip phone and a landline..he said that is why he doesn't call or answer his phone, it is messed up. (he has a smart phone), before he got sick, he had no problem with that phone.  John went and bought him a flip phone, took it to him, and he did not want it, nor does he want a landline....John said his sound was turned off on his phone.  Well you have to actively turn your phone off or the volume down.  He either did this without realizing it, or he did it on purpose.  Or someone else did.  Well, since his phone is fine, he will call me whenever he feels like it...I will not keep bothering him, as he does not respond to my calls, messages or anything.  David has not been keeping me up to date on dad, so, fuck it.  And, of course, my mother would never in a million years call me...

Then yesterday, was a fucking mess....From the moment I woke up, it was a disaster from the get go....for whatever reason, I had a severe panic attack and Kaos fronted...she never fronts except in specific situations...this was not her "normal" situation to front...and it scares the fuck out of me, when a fragment alter raises their ugly heads...

Then Kevin and I took a day trip to watch a Civil War Reenactment.  That part was pretty fun, shopping at different shops was nice, but it crashed and burned when I, and 7, saw a man beating his dog after leaving him locked up in a hot car....the cops came out, and I was almost arrested for assault.  Verbal assault....towards the animal abuser...I don't remember the details, but I feel inside the horror of witnessing that and extreme anger....so it fucked up the rest of my day.

Trying to sleep that night was out of the question....

Even when I have trouble remembering the details of a specific event, I can still feel the emotions they can cause...but the problem is, I can't put the emotion where it needs to be, so it leaves me all fucked up....trying to figure out the impossible, unless the alters let me have the memories...I don't know why the fuck I am feeling a certain way...

And that right there, makes me feel crazy as fuck...truly mentally ill....

Kevin has tried to explain all the events of this day to me, but hearing is one thing, remembering is something else....and accepting is even worse....

No wonder I feel lost all the fucking time....

S