Sleeping friend

 Here is the number one reason I cannot have close friends:

TRIGGERS:  I have two close friends, I cherish their friendship as they both know of my DID.   They have watched some of my videos and they understand the concept of triggers...

Yet, they still fill my messenger box with their "drama, and trauma"...I want to be there for them, I want to reassure them and encourage them, but I cannot.  One friend, who was abused by her mother, insists on relating all that baggage to me, in detail.  THIS IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME...my mother was one of my abusers and to read all of someone elses trauma and results of parental abuse, triggers my alters...NONE of my alters like my mother....conversations like these,  fuck with my head.

Yet, I still want to be there for them.....but how can I when I cannot even commiserate or speak about their issues....I am no friend to them....

Another friend, has chronic health issues and is thinking and talking about suicide....ANOTHER HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME...as most of my life I have fought against suicidal ideology, but letting her pour out her heart and soul, anguish and hardships on me, may help her, but it leaves my head reeling....I start to get the suicidal thoughts because, when an answer cannot be found, or a condition cannot be cured, suicide is easy.....I have no answers and no cure...so for someone to speak with me about that in their life,  stirs up my depression and hopelessness....there is no cure for my brain cancer, there is no cure for my DID...I am in just as hopeless a situation as her...but I struggle on...trying to live another day.

Friends should be able to tell their other friends anything they need to say....friends should be able to encourage and help them in anyway possible, friends are there for their friends....

I am only able to be a superficial friend...WHY? because I have to be tip toed around in certain conversations,  I cannot be a close best friend to anybody because of my DID.

DID IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO HONEST OPEN FRIENDSHIPS

DID hides in my brain, conducting inventory of my friends, deciding who I can talk to and who I can't...DID intervenes if I get anxious about certain conversations...and they THEY take over....7 especially tries to sever any friendship ties because they know all my friendships end in disaster, so 7 turns my mind to avoid it.

It is better to be a loner with my DID.  If I don't seek out any close friends, if I cut it off with friends who are going through horrible issues like I have, then the triggers go down....7 knows my heart.

I absolutely love my two previous mentioned friends.  My heart aches because their hearts are aching...but there is nothing, not a damn thing I can do, because of triggers in personal conversations....when a friend relives an incident and tells me about it, it brings up my own memories of horrible incidences and I start to spiral down...7 stops that, Sophee stops that...they all stop it, by putting me to sleep.

 A sleeping friend, is no fucking friend at all.....

S, Tessa, 7