NOT LUCKY

 When I got with my husband, I was told I got the hottest guy in high school.  I was told I was marrying into a good family.  I was told how lucky I was to be a Krupovage.

For 34 years of marriage,  every time I messed up or said something not very flattering towards John,  I was reminded how "lucky I was to have a man like that", "how lucky I was to have a good moral christian man" "how lucky I was because he was such a good person"...it was ALWAYS about how fucking wonderful and perfect John was, and I was blessed.  I was told "I wish I had a man like him.." blah blah blah

In all those years, never once, neither by any one in my family or Johns family,  was I ever told "John is so lucky to have me", or "how blessed he is to have me"...

I was left "thanking my lucky stars" I got a decent guy...never mind that I was a decent girl,  a girl who wanted nothing more than to be a mother...but the minute I married John, I was never good enough, smart enough, rich enough whatever....

I started to resent John, I started to hate him, I didn't want to be around Mr Perfect anymore, because I would never rate.

I left Mr Perfect.

Mr Perfect didn't love me, he loved himself...so much that he never saw the "DID" in me...it was about him.

I meant another man.  A man, who actually saw me...embraced me, and accepted me.   He tells me "how lucky he is to have me in his life"...and the feeling is mutual.

He decided, we decided, to start a You Tube Video about DID and me.  I was ready to tell the world who and what I really am...so we started the process.

We set up a private facebook page,  we have filmed now around 32 videos...but I have noticed something about the comments in those video sections and the comments on our FB page.  They all say the same thing..."How lucky and blessed I am to have a man like Kevin"....its always about Kevin...his research, his words, his understanding, his wisdom, his smartness....JUST LIKE JOHN, everyone looks to him, and they look past me.

I don't want to grow to hate Kevin.  I was under the impression that we were a team with this DID endeavor.   But in reality, its Kevins baby and I am just the sick one...the patient...the one with no control.

I bet people sit back and say amongst themselves "I am sure glad I am not Kevin...what a nightmare it must be for him to deal with a mentally sick person"...dude deserves a medal.

I am working just as hard, if not fucking harder with this condition than he is....he is just looking at a book...I AM THAT BOOK.  But he is the one winning all the awards....the pats on the back, the praise and adoration,  the acknowledgement of a video well done, and "thank you for helping Sparrow, She is so fucking lucky to have you"....the brain damaged fucking idiot that is so goddamn blessed to have yet another man to take all the credit for a job well done......another man to make me feel insignificant and not worth a shit, after all its a mans world..

Kevin tries his best to help me not feel this way and he certainly does not lord over me his intelligence...but when that is all I fucking read in comments, then it must be true.  

I AM SO GODDAMN LUCKY AND BLESSED

S