Mental Prison

 Yesterday, I was looking through all my videos on my phone.  I ran across some vidoes taken in 2021 of John and kids playing in the pool.  I was taping it...and I really felt a tug of heartache....I miss my life sometimes in Oklahoma.  I miss my kids and grandkids..the grandkids are growing up so fast and I am missing all of it.

This morning, I got 12 pictures from John.  Of him, Taryn and Kingston hiking....John never took me hiking...he never took me anywhere, and now he is hiking and doing things I have always loved to do...Is he trying to show me he has changed?  Is he trying to rub my kids in my face?  Is he trying to make me homesick so I will come back?

I loved the pictures...but,  John will not acknowledge my alters...he ignores it...I think all the bittersweet feelings I am feeling are Tessa.  She loves John, she misses him.   John denies Tessa, that has gotta hurt her too...

I feel so sad today, I want to hug my grandsons...I want to see my dad, even though he refuses to call or text me...I miss him.  

Every day I am gone from Oklahoma is a day without my kids...a day without sharing in their joys and heartaches, a day of them growing up without me...another day, that I am distance from them...one day I will be nothing to them...just papa's X wife....when he finds another woman to love and marry, then my grandkids will forget me altogether.  I will only be a distance memory they think about when they see a picture of me..thats it...a nothing memaw...a has been Memaw...

But I brought that all on myself, I chose to leave Oklahoma, I chose to move far away...I chose to abandon my family...I deserve all the heartache I receive.   

I once said Oklahoma was a prison to me...and when I left, I felt like I had been released from death row...but now,  my death sentence is in my head and my heart.I am in mental prison..the knowledge that I am no longer a part of a family...and soon I will no longer be a part of anything....just a lonely old dried up woman who has made a life of bad decisions...

I deserve to be lonely, alone and isolated...but fuck, I will never be alone, at least not in my head, because I have fucking alters that will never leave...they have ruined my life.

I am so sad...

s, tessa