Interlopers

 I miss so much...I miss a lot of reality when my alters are fronting...I miss crucial comments made during get-togethers at times because for whatever reason, Tessa or 7 decide to front, then I look like a fool because "how could I not know that, I was there.."  it is maddening, and does not a damn thing for my insecurity issues.   It makes me come across as "not giving a shit what that person has said"...I look snobby and disinterested...stupid

And I am sure, people get tired of having to "fill me in" when I was there all along...except, my body was there, but my mind was not...my mind was somebody else's mind...

For example:  say Kevin and I go kayaking.  I love kayaking, but so does Ally and 7, so after we are finished Kayaking, my advocate will say something about the lake or boomer or whatever and I have "no ideal" what he is talking about.   So he will tell me, so and so was out...that pisses me off, Kayaking is my thing, not theirs!  If I go do something that I, Sparrow, want to do, then why the fuck do they have to high jack my day for themselves?  So, I miss things, even when I am fucking there.

This goes for almost everything:  shopping,  dancing, sex, get togethers with friends,  anything I, Sparrow, wants to do or is doing, they feel like they can just pop in and enjoy my day too....They are interlopers.

I appreciate the reason they were created, looking back I am grateful for their interloping on abusive times, protecting my mind...but that was a fucking long time ago...I am no longer in an unsafe place around unsafe people...I do not need their advice or presence anymore.

I am a grown ass adult,  I should be able to handle life on life's terms like a mature adult.   But, obviously, I cannot.  If I could then the alters would just fucking leave me alone, but they have handicapped my maturity level significantly...I have not been able to learn how to navigate "upsetting situations" as an adult...my alters swoop down and take care of everything for me...they are my constant babysitters, why?  because I am so fucked up, they know that leaving me to my own devices is a disaster waiting to happen,  a mental disaster.

My brain is extremely immature...it was never allowed to mature normally like all the other "singlets"...My advocate is very mature, he can handle emotional situations, he can handle devastating news, he can handle stress and commotion,  he can fix things,  he can retain knowledge and then apply it as needed....I am so jealous of him.

I want to be normal.   Switching is a cowards way out.   I, Sparrow, must be the most cowardly irresponsible ignorant person out there for my 7 alters to feel they have to be the responsible ones and take care of me....I can't believe that Tessa is so smart, so together, so accomplished at tasks,  and I am so fucking inept.   Tessa took away my ability to become smart...she did it all, school, marriage, kids, jobs...I did nothing but "sleep" during those times...so I learned not a damn thing.  Tessa kept me "stupid"....Tessa did my busy work.

7 kept me from being able to have sustainable relationships, whether boyfriend/girlfriend, wife,  7 wrecked my heart and my feelings towards people because they felt it would hurt me....so 7 did my emotional work for me.... 

Ally played for me....she took my playtime, and still does.

Sammy took my, what I thought, were my writing skills, like with poems and short stories...I thought that was me, my creative mind, but it was not....it was Sammy....Sammy took my creativity and my love of dance and music...Sammy took my dance and made it hers.

And Lilly?  Lilly started this all...that fucking Chrissy Doll...

I want so badly to be 100% Sparrow...but I am only 1/8 Sparrow, that is not even enough of a percentage to get Native American benefits, 1/8 indian means nothing.....1/8th Sparrow, means nothing....

So if I am 1/8 Sparrow, that means each of the other alters are only 1/8th too...meaning we are all a community of nothing, mutts....

1/8...I am only 1/8th of a life.....

Sparrrrrrrrrrrooooooooowwwwwww