As adults, we like to think we are mature, sensible, law abiding adults. We, as a rule, know what manners are, what is socially acceptable and what is not (like farting in a restaurant, not cool).
As women, we are taught as a child how to sew, cook, clean, feed kids, etc. Our mothers teach us all those things...our mothers tell us about our periods, and teach us about birth control and sex. Our mothers teach us how to groom ourselves, do our make up, to shave, all the female things that women do.
But, I did not have a mother that taught me that. I was never taught how to do a specific thing correctly, for example wash dishes...she would have me climb up on a chair to wash the dishes, and if they were dirty, or I splashed soap and water on the floor, I was yanked out of that chair and beat...I was never taught how to do something right, I was only punished for doing it wrong. I was constantly set up for failure.
My mother did not teach me how to cook. She did not prepare me for my period...I learned about that in school, then actually started when I was staying with my birth father in 6th grade. I was horrified because I had to tell him....no mother around for me....
Once we moved out of the abusive house, our new neighborhood (my grandpas house) there were lots of kids to play with, but they were all boys...so I played with the boys...I was a tom-boy. I was constantly dirty and doing boy things...my mother decided to send me to "Charm School" why? because she could not be bothered to teach me how to be a "girl", so she had somebody else to do it. It was there I learned how to use make up, how to dress "like a girl" how to act, I was taught rudimentary manners, basically I was taught to act like a girl and not a boy....But I hated this school....
When I was a teenager and living with my birth father, his then wife, taught me how to properly set a table. How to properly make a bed, how to tweeze my eyebrows, how to cook (sort of), she took me under her wing and taught me all her feminine wiles. She was a very beautiful woman, (kinda looked like Farrah Fawcett), but she did not teach me about sex. In fact, my dad taught me about sex and birth control...his words and lecture "get two aspirins, and hold them tightly between your knees"...that was it. But it was too late, as I started having sex when I was 14...consensual sex that is.
When I got married, I was fixated on getting pregnant. I knew how to do that, just have sex every day for a month and you are guaranteed to get pregnant...it worked for me all three times (even though I miscarried once)...but as far as being a wife, I had no clue what that meant or entailed. I never had a role model for a mother or wife, all the mother figures in my life were horrible...even the one that taught me most of stuff I know, at the time was carrying on with another man under my daddies nose...My mother worked full time, she did not do laundry or cook, so I had really no clue how to properly do laundry. I did not know how to iron, or even clean a house.
So the first years of my marriage, I did as I was told, taught myself how to cook, and got busy raising kids...but once my kids were grown and gone I found myself in a house with a stranger....I did not love him, I hated sex with him, I hated his religion, we never bonded...he was just a guy I picked out to be the father of my kids...never to be with him forever.....
See, none of my parents ever stayed with their wives or husbands, my mom and dad were both married and divorced three times....I had no role model of a couple staying married for 50-60 years...that just did not happen in my family...
I spent my life, teaching my kids how to be adults...I taught them how to do laundry, how to cook, how to properly clean a house. I taught my daughter how to drive. I talked with my kids about sex and birth control...I showed my daughter how to shave, do her hair, and do her make up....I showed up for my kids.....I showed up for every extracurricular activity they ever had...I was there.
None of my parents have ever shown up for me. Why? because they had other lives and I was the unfortunate mistake. It was easy to put me in the closet for the new families...You see I have 3 half brothers, and 1 half sister. The rest were step siblings...I am alone. A one of a kind...I am an orphan of sorts...the stray mutt.
That was my destiny...to figure out how to be a girl, to figure out how to be an adult...to figure out how to be a wife, how to have a job..etc..and the only help I had was Tessa, 7, Sophee, Lilly, Sammy and Ally...my only help was in my head....mainly it was Tessa. The grown up.
I often wonder what it would have been like for me, if I had had two loving parents. A mom that taught me how to live, a dad who protected me and taught me stuff, parents that showed up for my extra curricular activities, that praised a good report card, that praised me instead of punish me...what would that have been like? I am jealous of my kids...they had that mother...they had me....but I had no one. I was alone in my motherhood, I had to figure everything out...I have always had to figure out everything for myself...it is a wonder I am still here to today...alive and not in prison....
I think I am not in prison because of the extreme abuse I got as a child when I did something wrong...so I have been so anal about doing what is right, obeying all the laws, obeying my husband, etc...because I have such a fear of punishment...and prison is punishment. I can't go back to prison...I lived in prison for 9 years, then paroled, but still abused by the system most of my adult life...
I want to do what is right. I hate being wrong, because in being wrong means being punished...and nobody notices a person that is right. A person that is right, is not bucking the system, is not being the center of attention, is not drawing attention to themselves, being right enables me to hide.
Anyhow, not sure why I wrote this blog....but not having a mother and role model has been weighing heavy on my mind lately, not sure why.
Its Mothers day this Sunday. But I did not get my mother a card, she was never a mother to me. I will also not receive a card from any of my kids...even though I taught them to send cards...I might get a text from them...maybe, maybe not...You see, I left their dad, I moved away...so in their eyes, I am no longer worth the effort...so maybe a quick text because it is socially acceptable, not because they love me and were proud of having me as their mother...NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN PROUD OF ME...CERTAINLY NOT MY FAMILY...OR MY FRIENDS...NOBODY.
My advocate is the only person ever to tell me "I am proud of you"...pretty sad huh?
S, Tessa
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